The Curse of the Cruise

Those of you who have followed my blog in the past will know that at times I have come home to a small domestic situation such as a kaput fridge, a knackered washing machine a banjaxxed shower and other little items usually as a result of the adventures of my friendly cat/flat sitter "Nunnsy". Since Loulabella passed away this was the first cruise that I could just lock the front door and not have to worry about anything back home. wrong. Arrived home yesterday midday, got my washing done, put in a Tesco online order to be delivered in the morning, made contact with family to let them know "The Eagle has Landed" This morning a lovely long shower without having to do your contortionist act and reversing onto taps, only to hear the sound of water running even after I have turned off the shower, stepped out of the shower only to be confronted with another cold shower coming through the ceiling of the bathroom and quickly forming a lake on the bathroom floor. So I go ice skating across the floor manage to locate and turn off the stop cock, and electrical water heating, lay down a swathe of towels, get a bowl from the kitchen and all before I have had my Cornflakes, now to find a plumber on a Bank Holiday weekend. The Curse of the Cruise Strikes. Part two, I eventually got the leak sorted out, thinking everything was back to normal, wrong, the thermostat on the immersion heater has just been and blown so no hot water, happy days. I must go down to the sea again.

Miserable old Sod

Heading for home now and we have been told to brace ourselves for a rough crossing over the Bay of Biscay, following the coat tails of an Atlantic Storm so it could be strap into a barstool time and ride it out with with alcohol. It has been a strange cruise with many long faces, couples bickering (even more than usual) lots of glum faces a lack of laughter, not I may add from the crew who as usual have been brilliant. There has also been a lack of characters, some who  I thought might be candidates turn out to be a few heartbeats away from being sectioned. To give you an idea of the general mental state, I am sat in Costa writing this and I am surrounded with couples going through their interim onboard accounts with a fine tooth comb and then using the calculator on their mobile to check that it’s right then checking the bank account at home to see if they have got enough to cover it, I don’t think the crew are going to do very well for tips. I feel like getting up and shouting YOUR ARE ON HOLIDAY, FORGET YOU ARE ENGLISH, STOP BEING SO ANNALY RETENTIVE. Perhaps the sea gods will be getting there revenge in the next 24 hours. Sorry to finish on a negative note, let’s hope that this cruise was just a blip and I am being a finickity old bugger. I will add some photos when I am back home and have a decent internet connection. Thanks for reading this rubbish I have been writing, hope you have enjoyed it and I have managed to make you smile, see you on the next one.

The air that I breathe

Usually I am writing about someone’s catastrophe or accident, this time it’s my turn, now before you start thinking he’s been on the bottle again (steady on Bet and Social Secretary) what happened was after some strolling around Lanzarote or more accurately being  blown around, I returned to the ship and after having a skinny latte, I decided to have 20 minutes in my cabin before getting ready for the helter skelter of a rich and varied evening. I woke up 2 hours later with a thumping headache,sinuses working overtime, sore throat and feeling nauseous. There was a smell of fresh paint everywhere in the cabin, which I correctly guessed was the cause of my problems. I did not know that the air con had been turned off to allow painters to paint all around the air con intake, one deck up directly over my cabin. I tried going out for fresh air which helped a bit, I reported the problem and they got the system back on to clear the fumes and file a report incident. I tried to go for a meal but managed to only get a couple of mouthfuls down before it threatened to reverse the journey, so I beat a hasty retreat to the cabin to lay down and be close to the loo, which I did for most of a sleepless night. Today is a sea day as we make our way to our last stop La Coruna in Spain, I have spent most of the day in my cabin catching up on sleep, re-hydrating and trying to get rid of my headache in preparation for a run ashore in a couple of days time. My last point is that if it had been someone with more serious health considerations could the outcome been more serious if it had been, Asthma, Emphysema, COPD or one of many more medical conditions. I feel a letter coming on to the CEO of P&O, and it’s not a script for Murder on the Ventura. I will point out the failings on the H&S front, no risk assessment, although each painter had personal protective equipment and safety breathing masks, they also failed in their duty of care to their passengers, namely moi.

Perv, books and Sailors

Usually a sanctuary to go and sit quietly, read a book, pick up a copy of the ship’s newspaper the Library is a little oasis of calm to go and hideaway for a while. That is the usual rule of thumb, but today unfortunately a chap came in and disturbed the usual air of calm. It all started off quite calmly and built up to the Nudge Nudge sketch from Monty Pythons Flying Circus. It started of by him informing anyone who wanted to listen that the extra soft bathrobes were on special offer in the Atrium for one day only and he could recommend them as they were beautiful and soft next to your skin (first flag) Next topic he brought was did anyone notice the Spanish Navy frigate we passed slowly while docking this morning? He was stood in his cabin window naked as we passed by (2nd flag) the frigate, that came as a shock to him and probably the sailors, at this point the library starts to empty, it’s a pity the dragon lady librarian was not in attendance as I think he would of been leaving in a hurry. He now hypothesized if it had been a lady would the sailors have got powerful binoculars out and perhaps tried to take pictures (now we have a forest of flags) Now he wondered if the Spanish navy had lady sailors, at this point he is articulating to an empty library, with several ladies giving him a few choice words as they left and threatening to report him at reception. Just when I thought it was quiet, it could end up like a game of Cluedo. Just make sure you keep your curtains drawn. 

It’s a dogs life

Gran Canaria the volcanic island with deep valleys and picturesque landscapes is the guide book description of this island and I dare say that if I went on one of the organised tours I would probably agree. My visit to the island took a different route, people must of been intimidated by the dark clouds and the breeze as out came coats, cardigans and pac-a-macs for the short walk into Las Palmas, I availed myself on a bench on the Esplanade adjacent to an elderly gentleman busking with an accordion, in the style of Morecambe and Wise” All the right notes but not necessarily in the right order” this help to guarantee a no go zone as people went to the far side of the pavement, just short of falling into the sea to avoid his gaze and hat to throw some coins in. This gave me a fashion show perspective of fellow passengers going by, with a wide variety of tasks in mind, mostly the ladies wanted to visit the perfumery’s the men just agreed or were looking for a bar. The most noteable items on display were a fine array of surgical supports, NHS and Private, knees and ankles taped up, zimmers, crutches, knee braces, whole leg braces, elasticated stockings, Lycra support cycle shorts, oxygen generators, the list is endless, it looked like the parade of athletes at the Stoke Mandeville games only they are properly in better health and better trained. If anything went wrong with the more complicated bits of paraphernalia it would take an Formula 1 pit crew to get them back in the game. Moving onto a local park I decided to turn my attention to the locals who seem to be obsessed with their dogs, of all shapes and sizes, wearing all sorts of leads, harnesses, muzzles and in one case a bridle, it was that big. Some also had outfits on, name harnesses, a hat, loads of cravats,bandannas, small dogs with coloured punk quiffs, and they sh*t were they liked. They say Brits are obsessed with their dogs, these Canaries leave us standing, and at least on the whole we clean up after our dogs, and one other strange I thing never saw a cat.

Ladies who do

Madeira, what do you do first sample the cake or taste the wine, simple answer try both, typical Brit on holiday it works well if you dunk your cake in the wine. Shuttle buses laid on between the ship and central Funchal which takes about 15minutes and there are loads of buses laid on but it looks like Lower Upshot Bagely WI are doing a re-enactment of the Dunkirk evacuation, the blue rinse brigade are taking no prisoners, they are working in conjunction with the Kamikaze wheelchair Deaths Head Squadron who are mowing down everything in their path be it friend or foe. Seeing the carnage I decide to be part of the rearguard party and go into town with the third wave, around midday when all the obstacles and booby traps have been taken care of. The change that can come over these mild mannered ladies is frightening and some members of the ship’s security staff are still cowering in corners suffering from Post Granny Shock.  Once in town and stroll around you start to wonder was it worth it, there are only so many model donkeys, miniature wine casks and fridge magnets, this is probably a jaundiced Male stand point, as on the return elements of the 1st Airborne Shoppers regiment are load down with bags as are their beasts of burden (husbands). I wonder how many of those purchases will end up in the backs of cupboards on White Elephant Stalls or be re-gifted?

All at Sea at the Sales

Last sea day before we arrive at Madeira, spent an evening at the theatre on board and saw the Comedian Mick Miller, have seen him several times now still a genuinely funny man who knows how to work an audience with quick one liners and just as you have stopped laughing along comes another laugh. I recently saw him on TV in Peter Kay’s Car Share, so still hard working and current, looking forward to his next show on Thursday. I have also been attending lectures in the mornings about the work of the code breakers at Bletchley Park including Alan Turing during World War Two, delivered by a very knowledgeable chap called Michael Kushner who is also a guide at Bletchley. There are so many ways you can fill your day. I have passed on ice sculpting for the nervous, freestyle water skiing and make your own sequined dress for the Captains formal ball, quite a few chaps did sign up for it though and now sequins adorn everything. The sun is out and bodies adorn the deck as far as the eye can see, not as you might imagine a sea of sizzling flesh, dripping sun block, no it’s a sea of ink and not all possessed by youngsters, it might of seemed like a good idea at the time but time and diet has not been in some cases or over indulgence is responsible for an increase in the original canvas area that the artist used as his canvas and of course gravity is also a factor. This is most apparent in a lady who at one time what started out as a charming little robin red breast, now thanks to the vagaries of time and gravity is the proud owner of an Ostrich with a hiatus hernia. Some perfectly charming snakes have become Anacondas disappearing to some very strange places. Another predictable trait of the Brit is the love of a bargain, even if you don’t need it or want it, they have set up tables in the Atrium like the pioneers in the old west circled them against an Indian attack. The tables are loaded with tat all priced at £5~99 or buy 5 and get the 6th free which tells you something about the quality of the goods on sale,but does that stop the sharks circling the tables four deep and fighting one another over ownership of a gaudy pink purse that even Barbie would be ashamed to own, once the sale is made the sales assistant ducks under the table and chucks another half dozen of the “hardly any left madam” on the table for the next victims, scrub that discerning shoppers.