Perv, books and Sailors

Usually a sanctuary to go and sit quietly, read a book, pick up a copy of the ship’s newspaper the Library is a little oasis of calm to go and hideaway for a while. That is the usual rule of thumb, but today unfortunately a chap came in and disturbed the usual air of calm. It all started off quite calmly and built up to the Nudge Nudge sketch from Monty Pythons Flying Circus. It started of by him informing anyone who wanted to listen that the extra soft bathrobes were on special offer in the Atrium for one day only and he could recommend them as they were beautiful and soft next to your skin (first flag) Next topic he brought was did anyone notice the Spanish Navy frigate we passed slowly while docking this morning? He was stood in his cabin window naked as we passed by (2nd flag) the frigate, that came as a shock to him and probably the sailors, at this point the library starts to empty, it’s a pity the dragon lady librarian was not in attendance as I think he would of been leaving in a hurry. He now hypothesized if it had been a lady would the sailors have got powerful binoculars out and perhaps tried to take pictures (now we have a forest of flags) Now he wondered if the Spanish navy had lady sailors, at this point he is articulating to an empty library, with several ladies giving him a few choice words as they left and threatening to report him at reception. Just when I thought it was quiet, it could end up like a game of Cluedo. Just make sure you keep your curtains drawn. 

It’s a dogs life

Gran Canaria the volcanic island with deep valleys and picturesque landscapes is the guide book description of this island and I dare say that if I went on one of the organised tours I would probably agree. My visit to the island took a different route, people must of been intimidated by the dark clouds and the breeze as out came coats, cardigans and pac-a-macs for the short walk into Las Palmas, I availed myself on a bench on the Esplanade adjacent to an elderly gentleman busking with an accordion, in the style of Morecambe and Wise” All the right notes but not necessarily in the right order” this help to guarantee a no go zone as people went to the far side of the pavement, just short of falling into the sea to avoid his gaze and hat to throw some coins in. This gave me a fashion show perspective of fellow passengers going by, with a wide variety of tasks in mind, mostly the ladies wanted to visit the perfumery’s the men just agreed or were looking for a bar. The most noteable items on display were a fine array of surgical supports, NHS and Private, knees and ankles taped up, zimmers, crutches, knee braces, whole leg braces, elasticated stockings, Lycra support cycle shorts, oxygen generators, the list is endless, it looked like the parade of athletes at the Stoke Mandeville games only they are properly in better health and better trained. If anything went wrong with the more complicated bits of paraphernalia it would take an Formula 1 pit crew to get them back in the game. Moving onto a local park I decided to turn my attention to the locals who seem to be obsessed with their dogs, of all shapes and sizes, wearing all sorts of leads, harnesses, muzzles and in one case a bridle, it was that big. Some also had outfits on, name harnesses, a hat, loads of cravats,bandannas, small dogs with coloured punk quiffs, and they sh*t were they liked. They say Brits are obsessed with their dogs, these Canaries leave us standing, and at least on the whole we clean up after our dogs, and one other strange I thing never saw a cat.

Ladies who do

Madeira, what do you do first sample the cake or taste the wine, simple answer try both, typical Brit on holiday it works well if you dunk your cake in the wine. Shuttle buses laid on between the ship and central Funchal which takes about 15minutes and there are loads of buses laid on but it looks like Lower Upshot Bagely WI are doing a re-enactment of the Dunkirk evacuation, the blue rinse brigade are taking no prisoners, they are working in conjunction with the Kamikaze wheelchair Deaths Head Squadron who are mowing down everything in their path be it friend or foe. Seeing the carnage I decide to be part of the rearguard party and go into town with the third wave, around midday when all the obstacles and booby traps have been taken care of. The change that can come over these mild mannered ladies is frightening and some members of the ship’s security staff are still cowering in corners suffering from Post Granny Shock.  Once in town and stroll around you start to wonder was it worth it, there are only so many model donkeys, miniature wine casks and fridge magnets, this is probably a jaundiced Male stand point, as on the return elements of the 1st Airborne Shoppers regiment are load down with bags as are their beasts of burden (husbands). I wonder how many of those purchases will end up in the backs of cupboards on White Elephant Stalls or be re-gifted?

All at Sea at the Sales

Last sea day before we arrive at Madeira, spent an evening at the theatre on board and saw the Comedian Mick Miller, have seen him several times now still a genuinely funny man who knows how to work an audience with quick one liners and just as you have stopped laughing along comes another laugh. I recently saw him on TV in Peter Kay’s Car Share, so still hard working and current, looking forward to his next show on Thursday. I have also been attending lectures in the mornings about the work of the code breakers at Bletchley Park including Alan Turing during World War Two, delivered by a very knowledgeable chap called Michael Kushner who is also a guide at Bletchley. There are so many ways you can fill your day. I have passed on ice sculpting for the nervous, freestyle water skiing and make your own sequined dress for the Captains formal ball, quite a few chaps did sign up for it though and now sequins adorn everything. The sun is out and bodies adorn the deck as far as the eye can see, not as you might imagine a sea of sizzling flesh, dripping sun block, no it’s a sea of ink and not all possessed by youngsters, it might of seemed like a good idea at the time but time and diet has not been in some cases or over indulgence is responsible for an increase in the original canvas area that the artist used as his canvas and of course gravity is also a factor. This is most apparent in a lady who at one time what started out as a charming little robin red breast, now thanks to the vagaries of time and gravity is the proud owner of an Ostrich with a hiatus hernia. Some perfectly charming snakes have become Anacondas disappearing to some very strange places. Another predictable trait of the Brit is the love of a bargain, even if you don’t need it or want it, they have set up tables in the Atrium like the pioneers in the old west circled them against an Indian attack. The tables are loaded with tat all priced at £5~99 or buy 5 and get the 6th free which tells you something about the quality of the goods on sale,but does that stop the sharks circling the tables four deep and fighting one another over ownership of a gaudy pink purse that even Barbie would be ashamed to own, once the sale is made the sales assistant ducks under the table and chucks another half dozen of the “hardly any left madam” on the table for the next victims, scrub that discerning shoppers.

Making Camp

As we exit an uneventful and smooth crossing of the Bay of Biscay (Not a periscope, iceberg or Great White Whale to be seen anywhere Lizzie) the only disconcerting thing to report was Adele playing on constant loop in the background, oh the inhumanity of it. Watching the great British table selection at breakfast is an ancient tradition that is preformed with all the pomp and accuracy as the Birds of Paradise in the rainforests of New Guinea, the only difference is the female has the fine and showy plumage, the Male is the plain and dowdy one, and very often still half asleep. Selection of the feeding site must have factored in, view, the ability to be seen by other females of the species, especially that posh cow from cabin 345, be draught free so as not to ruffle the hair which has been worked on since the 6 am shower, followed by 30 minutes in front of the mirror putting on makeup and various unctions, this is all lost on the un-shaven Male in muscle top, khaki shorts and flip flops who took approximately two minutes to get ready, this included underwear and sock sniffing time to see if they would go another day without turning them inside out, which is only done on rare occasions and the outbreak of Noro Virus (I believe this is how the band Dire Straits came up with their name) Now the nest site has been selected after several false alarms, the Male or beast of burden unloads all the paraphernalia needed for the mornings activities, next comes food selection where the female disappears for 20 minutes with the Male is left behind to protect the site from interlopers. When she eventually returns with 1 slice of toast and green tea it is his turn to get his calorie intake topped up to survive the rigors of the day, this usually entails a full English plus a round of toast and marmalade and a mug of builders tea, for which he is berated until lunch time,  but evolution has helped the Male to develop La La ears for occasions such as this. This performance is again repeated, minus food, but bottled water added around the sunbathing site, the female has to make a small sacrifice at this point by the addition of a floppy hat for Sun protection and sun glasses, spoiling the hair and makeup. This only lasts for five minutes due to the vagaries of the weather and a passing shower, abandon camp site back to the cabin, and if the sun comes back out the process, minus food will be repeated. It has all the makings of a reality TV programme hosted by Claudia Winkleman “The Great British Husband and Wife Day Out” As I finish this piece off sat in Costa Professor Hubert Farnsworth look a like from Futurerama has just walked in, he may be a cartoon character but I think I will ask him for his autograph.

Dancing with Costa

Day one in Costa on deck 5, at times it’s like the London to Brighton vintage car rally with the number of disability scooters passing through, it is like a convoy of armored vehicles on there way to the front, one of them in particular with a basket on the front driven by a flamboyant dressed lady has 6-7 teddy bears strapped to the front, please forgive me but it reminds me of the radiator on the dustcart. We have just had the Captains cocktail party or the parade of the peacocks where the female of the species and a few blokes strut their stuff and try and out display one another by various means, and they also try and trap the Captain in conversation whilst the other half snaps a bespoke picture to show the folks at the office or WI “We know the Captain quite well”poor sod has to do it all again with the 8-30 pm sitting. You can tell all the old hands at the cruise game they are pretty close to the bar area where the waiters replenish the free booze trays and they ambush the waiters when they pass by with a full tray, that way you can stockpile 4-5 free samples courtesy of Mr P&O (As taught to me by my Social Secretary Janet). Now the ballroom dancing has started in the Atrium, the more serious exponents produce little bags that contain their dancing pumps the very reason for taking the cruise, they also have that smug precocious look of child showing off when they do their thing (they have been rehearsing all year at home with the carpet rolled back, for this moment) and others are putting lesson one of the earlier dance class into practice for the first time. Most of the Ladies are in heaven an awful lot of the blokes are wishing they we’re somewhere else. Like me some chaps are to dancing what Boris Johnson is to diplomacy, but make for great viewing, a disaster slowly unraveling and if all goes to plan there will be no lesson 2, result.

Starting out

The starting point for most cruises I do is Southampton, as I get older I have become more and more anti flying. I find airports are set up to be anti-people, the hassle of the check in after negotiating the rat maze that they make you preform in, even though there is hardly any queue in front of you, I think it’s all part of the plan to de-humanize the process, this coupled with the ubiquitous luggage trolley that has a mind of its own, never will I complain about Tesco shopping trolleys again. When you make it to the check in point and start dealing with the human face of the airline company, usually about as friendly as a Rottweiler asking you safety questions she has repeated thousands of times with as much enthusiasm as a nun selling condoms. You finally put your luggage on the scales and look at the display to see if you got it right with the bathroom scales, only to find they are three kilos out and you are left with the option of repacking and putting on extra clothes and looking like the Pillsbury dough boy or pay £36 for the extra weight as if this was not bad enough you have to squeeze your flight bag into the measuring  device to see if you can take it on board. Then you have to run the obstacle course of abandoned luggage trolleys that have been left in relief of completing part one of the labours of Hercules. Task two security screening, getting rid of all liquids over 100 mils, then once through you can go to W H Smith and buy a 1.5 liter bottle of water for the flight! Empty out your pockets, take off shoes, belts, watches, jewelry and any other article likely to set the machine buzzing, but some how you still manage to set it off, stand by to be frisked and prodded then to be declared clear and made to walk through the scanner again, once again setting off the bells and whistles thereby requiring a further second opinion frisk and still finding nothing, only to be told we have been having trouble with that one all day, it’s ultra sensitive. At this point all the other passengers are looking at you like you are a cross between Carlos the Jackal and the Village Idiot. Stage 2 complete, so you start to make camp in duty free and then within seconds of  making camp you get the call to go to your departure gate, which is a half marathon away from your present location, so the migration of the wildebeest begins along moving travelaters that are broken and the gate happen to be in the furthest corner of the airport. (Do gates 1 & 2 exists, has anyone ever used them?) They then check your passport and ticket again sit you back down, then you guessed it call your row number to board the aircraft and invariably yours is the last number called. I won’t even bother to regale you with what happens at your destination airport. As opposed to Southampton, arrive outside the cruise terminal, someone lifts out your overweight case and whisks it away, the next time you see it is outside your cabin door. You have priority boarding and within 15 minutes of arriving you are in your cabin ready to set sail. No contest.