Photo's Added

Just a quickie, I have added a few photo's for your amusement.

Farewell

Well here tis, the last blog entry for my latest sojourn. Many will breathe a sigh of relief, I just hope I might have raised a few smiles, recounting some of the sights I have come across. When I get home I will upload some images to back up some of the tales, such as the Duke of Edinburgh look a like, Royston Vasey (Roy Chubby Brown) travelling low profile, Brit socks on holiday to mention a few. I am left with a few conundrums, what is in the Sainsbury carrier bag that the chap carries with him everywhere? Why do Costa Coffee serve drinks in long cups but only give you short spoons that don't reach the bottom resulting in burnt fingers. Why are people who work in art galleries short and pictures are always hung up high? Why are all the life rafts on board "On Hire" and have a best before date? Why is it not shocking to meet a member of the photography team at 11pm walking down a passageway with a Oceana lifebuoy around her neck assuring you it is only a prop and there is no problem. Why has the "Whitewall Gallery" got brown walls? Will the DFS sale ever end?

It's been another enjoyable journey with loads of laughs made all the more enjoyable by all the hard work of all the staff on board who work such long hours but always have a smile on their face. My travelling companions have also help make this a journey to remember so a big thank you to Janet and Malcolm for their friendship on the journey and may we all travel together again. So until the next blog in September, Bon Voyage.   

On Hire !!!!

 Roy "Chubby" Brown

The Web it weaves

Just a quick little observation, which shows what a small world we live in or is it a global village in which we are all connected by the wonder or curse of the Internet? Here I am wallowing along  in the good ship Oceana thousands of miles from land yet I have by means of the Internet been able to arrange to have my fridge/freezer repaired on the afternoon of the day I get home and have purchased a new monitor for my pc from Amazon which is being delivered as I type this piece. I find that amazing or is it just common place and should be taken for granted?

Tittle Tattle

Today I reflect on the gossip, news and overheard conversations. I start with the amusing tale of the disappearing cardigan (cue dramatic music). A lady at our dinning table was at choir practice and feeling a bit warm during her singing efforts took off her purple cardigan/shawl and draped it over the back of a chair and completed her practice along with another hundred or so souls who were giving it "welly" with varying degrees of success. After realising she had left the "cardi" behind she went back and could not find it, then she went to reception to see if it had been handed in, no joy, so that's it gone never to be seen again. Fast forward to a show in the Theatre and having a look round to see who is around, you guessed it, there in the front row draped around a ladies shoulder was a purple cardigan/shawl. Now here lies the dilemma what do you do next, how exclusive is its colour-design, in her case she did nothing, what would you have done. Here is one for the Hydrotherapy Pool staff, elderly lady quite happily walking along decided to go for a swim, several people where already in the pool, when the last person got out a foreign object was spotted on the bottom of the pool (Jan remember the Mars bar and the WI) Much panic ensued, threats of suing P&O, making someone walk the plank, staff had to empty the pool and do all the usual stuff, and a little old lady shuffled off with a knowing smile on her face. Please don't take the next little piece wrong, onboard there are quite a few gay couples who are flamboyant in the extreme, it must be annoying at times when you just want to sit quietly but you become a "Fag Hag Magnet" at breakfast this morning these guys must of taken very near an hour to eat their meal as they were constantly interrupted by Ladies of a certain age swopping numbers and emails with invitations "come and stay the weekend " I am not sure by the end of my meal that I would of been so charming, courteous and attentive as these guys.

Malcolm doing vital last minute shopping

Charlwood the Flu Years

Judging by the flood of emails( 1, thanks Bett & George)  some have missed my outpourings from the cruise front, unfortunately I have been struck low by a combination of Flu/Cold, Black Death and Trench Foot. Everything was going well until that fateful evening at dinner when one of our party did not come to dinner after "being ill" for the past 24 hours, let's call these fellow diners, Mary, Mungo & Midge (To protect the guilty) over the few days despite still feeling ill M, M & M continued to dine with us at the table, it only became a question of time before the next pin fell, and it was yours truly. I handled things slightly differently and stayed away for three days and stayed in my cabin so as not to pass It on, which has seemed to work. So I report secondhand some of the events during my period of seclusion, Malcolm (Scoop) managed to blag his way into the Dominica National Cricket ground and had a tour around the Stadium, he is building up an impressive list of Caribbean grounds visited. Janet has carried out several unaided retail duty free missions, obtaining the required items off her lists, including vanilla pods in Grenada. We are now on the return leg of our journey home, and to celebrate my exit from my self imposed isolation we had dinner at the open air dinning venue "The Horizon", kindly arranged by our social secretary Janet, the meal was excellent, the company first class and the conversation just what was needed after days of looking at the ceiling and at the porthole (Once again for the benefit of my big sister, you cannot open the window for fresh air).

 Tied up in Dominica

 Dominica National Stadium

 All these photos courtesy of "Scoop" Tucker

Barbs

16th January 2015:

Tonight at one am I will cast a single Sunflower overboard to remember Barbs birthday, although she left us four years ago, it seems like only yesterday and I love her as much now as I did then. 
True love stories never die.

Timber

If you have had reports of a mini earthquake from the International Seismic institute centred on the Caribbean and Antigua in particular don't worry dear readers it was only Charlwood going ass over apex. What happened was, after venturing into St Johns and dodging some very heavy showers (ruining the plans for a beach day) we even took shelter inside a row of phone boxes, I managed to miss judge the height of a kerb on a crossroad intersection and went sprawling onto a wet pavement managing to get my hands out to lessen the impact, the only damage was my pride, a filthy T shirt ( the second of the day after having a yolk spillage at breakfast) a grazed kneecap and scaring the life out of Janet who was with me during this retail expedition. Locals came rushing from all angles to give assistance and view the beached White Whale in their High Street. After getting up and assuring the gathered audience I was ok we adjourned to a bar for rest and recuperation and inspect the damage.

Today we have arrived at St Kitts where the weather pattern has been repeated, wet morning, clearing up at around noon, leaving a sunny afternoon. St Kitts is famous for its very scenic narrow gauge railway that was once used to haul sugar cane but has now got double decker carriages taking cruise passengers around the island whilst sipping rum punch. Today it was more like Network rail, with coach loads of passengers turning up from the ships in port only to be told the train had broken down and will not be running today (at least it was not leaves on the track), that's an awful lot of £65 rebates that have to be dished out and a shed load of unhappy punters. Having watched Sky news this evening it's happened again snow in the UK as soon as I leave the country in January, sorry everyone I don't do it on purpose.

Azura in Antigua same day as Oceana

Azura Leaving

Antigua Sailaway Paul & Janet

Little & Large

Fashion but not. As we know it.

One day to go before landfall, and it's starting to warm up, today its presently 25c and getting warmer, the fight for tanning space is on and the display of elderly brown bodies is impressive, ranging from pure white to Chesterfield Brown and a Brown beyond that which I would describe as Mahogany, the paradox is that having overheard several conversations of the basking assembled the majority vote UKIP, is that irony? I have spotted a first today, shorts with braces, this could start a whole new trend, this fine example were hauled up so far they would almost pass for Hotpants, fashion faux pas or trendsetter ( more like Irish Setter). I have further evidence of inappropriate sock wearing with sandals, I will upload the images when I return home when I have a fast,free internet connection, all images have been shot from the knees downward to protect the guilty. The charges for Internet is one of my few complaints while cruising with P&O, for 240 minutes use I am charged £64 plus a £2.50 set up charge. Many systems on the ship rely on an 24 hour satellite Internet connection and I find the charges made scandalous bordering on Piracy at Sea.

I attended another fine lecture by Paul Stickler on the A6 murder involving James Hanratty, his lectures give you the facts presented without personal opinion leaving you to draw your own conclusions, this has led to many lively debates over dinner. Paul has produced a series of lectures that have been entertaining and thought provoking and well presented and very well supported daily.

Janet, Malcolm and myself had an excellent meal in Marco Pierre White's Cafe Jardin last evening which although you pay a nominal surcharge (£5.25) the food is exquisite, the service and attention to detail is second to none. In my case the excellent company and the conversation in such pleasant surroundings made it a meal to remember, thanks guys. Tomorrow we reach Antigua and the antics of myself and my fellow travellers as we invade the island will be reported on shortly.

Thoughts

From my vantage point of the Costa Coffee lounge on the 7th floor of the Atrium I can observe the comings and goings of my fellow passengers and the crew as they awake from there slumbers as they come alive after another restful night at sea on our trek Westward to the Caribbean. The open plan nature lets me see over 4 floors and watch the glass fronted elevators dash from floor to floor, carrying couples who to all appearances are sweetness and light, but the minute they are in the lift by themselves, there is much finger wagging and retreating to opposites sides  of the lift point proven, then exiting to become a loving. Couple once more. Some people wake up just in time to find a three seater settee, make camp spread themselves out so nobody else can sit down and promptly have a snooze. You can also see the Promenade deck with couples sedately getting the morning constitutional in before the loading up of Carbs, Protein and essential and non essential fats, only to be passed by the Power walkers dressed in all the latest designer sports gear, sweat bands on head and wrists, headphones probably blaring out "Eye of the Tiger" and the logo emblazoned on the T-shirt we stop for nobody, as one or two have found out, there goes the no claims bonus. The sock & sandal watch continues, this morning I spotted some humdingers, black knee length socks coupled with some demob shorts circa 1932 issue, tropical shorts, khaki for the use of, as the gentleman wearing them was not very tall, it just needed a pith helmet and he would of won the "Lofty" Don Estelle (It ain't half hot Mum) prize. I seriously doubt this attire will be beaten, but I live in hope. I am now off to the Historical Murder Presentation, The Rillington Place Murders, this takes place in the main theatre at 10am and unless you are there by 9-30 seats are at a premium, we are a blood thirsty lot. I must finish on a serious note, wherever you travel in our world you cannot have failed to have missed the News about the cowardly attacks in Paris and the fundamental attack on freedom of speech and expression, which is a basic right in a civilised world, those opposed to these principles take heed, you will never win.

                JES SUIS CHARLIE

The Gunslinger Bum Bag

Westward Ho via the Porthole

Having just set sail once again after leaving Ponta DelGado in the Azores astern, overseen by a variety of would be Nelson's, Hornblower RN's and Captain Pugwash's all adorned with Helly Hansen jackets and their brand new Christmas present Binoculars swinging from assorted necks at a jaunty nautical angle informing anyone who is willing to listen and be bored how they would handle the manoeuvre we set sail for Antigua. One of the assembled barroom Admirals took my attention in particular as he was the owner of a particularly badly fitting "Syrup" (Syrup of Fig = Wig) and as the ship came round into the wind his forelock started to flap in the breeze, he obviously had not used enough adhesive, it looked like a scene from a Morecombe and Wise Christmas Special, this is undoubtably the highlight of my cruise so far.

The sea has been flat calm much to many people's relief and the temperature has also picked up so the regular game of "musical sun loungers" has begun a practice well worth watching. We have been lucky to have a series of very interesting lectures on historical murders and criminals which have been really well attended, there has been murder at sea, murder on a train, the Kray dynasty and the murder of Lord Erroll in Kenya a member of the famous "Happy Valley Set" which the film White Mischief was based on, it took place in the 1940's and is so convoluted, who was doing what to who, drugs, alcohol and espionage, if you like a mystery please do research and read about, Paul Stickler gave a fascinating lecture as all of his talks have been. With reference to his first talk the Murder of Gay Gibson aboard a Union Castle ship whose body might of been shoved through a porthole, I think a few on board have been threatened with that fate when they have come back and found their precious sun lounger has been commandeered by an khaki short attired, argyle sock wearing, open toed sandal wearing individual, pick a porthole punk!! 

 

Paul Stickler

The beauty of Ponta DelGado

A good bit of parking

Westward Ho

Food Glorious Food

Sorry for the problems you might of had reading my last blog entry, changing the font to red (very appropriate) seems to have done the trick. A sure fire sign that stormy waters are ahead is when wads of seasick bags mysteriously appear on all the stair landings, this coupled with many empty chairs in the dinning room. We have had a couple of days of heavy breaking seas, which you must expect at this time of year in Mid Atlantic. At this time of year, as we get closer to the Azores the winds should start dying down and it will warm up (fingers crossed). With the limited amount of deck pursuits that can be carried out due to the adverse weather, inside activities become very popular. One of the most popular pastimes is finding a quiet corner, settle down in a comfy chair and pretend to read, which very quickly becomes eyes closed and snoring and in extreme circumstances combined dribbling. I ventured around a corner by the Theatre and happened on a husband & wife snoring/dribbling formation team that were managing about a 6 on the Richter scale. Eating at any opportunity seems to be another favoured pastime 24 hours constant  grazing can be achieved by following this timetable; The Plazza, Continental Breakfast 6.30am - 7pm, Marco Pierre White at Cafe Jardin, Breakfast 7.00am -11.00am, The Plazza, Brunch, 10.30am - 11.45am, Ligurain Restaurant, Lunch, Noon - 3.00pm, The Plazza, Afternoon Tea, 3.00pm - 5.30pm, then same venue, Neptune's Seafood Buffett 6.00pm - 9.30pm, Marco Pierre White's, Dinner 6pm - 10.30pm, Late Night Snacks 10.30pm - 3.30am. As you can see some very serious troughing, how the serious eater can sustain themselves in that three hour window when no food outlets are available? The answer dear reader is to be found in your cabin info pack, Room Service available 24 hours, this information is brought to you by our sponsors Gavisgon and Settlers. Still it is time for me to put on the Tuxedo/ Dinner Jacket and dickie bow tie in readiness for the Captain's welcome aboard Cocktail Party or as I refer to him "The Driver" and some free P&O house wine, I will give you a full report in my next bulletin.

Sleeping Beauty

Ladies in Red

Two days into the cruise and I feel I should bring you a report from the front ( or as we refer to it in nautical terms "The Bow").Check in at Southampton was a bit frantic as we hit a traffic jam on the dual carriageway approaching the cruise terminal, suddenly all the traffic disappeared turning left into a multi storey car park, they were all heading for the IKEA winter sale, leaving us with a completely open road ahead. As ever the porters appear and take your cases away for loading, the next you see of them is as they appear outside your cabin door. Lifeboat drill follows fairly soon after you board, seeing 300 in a confined space struggling to get on life jackets and tie them off is quite an icebreaker and causes much laughter and is a great icebreaker ( crafty Titanic reference). Next job is to meet up with my cruises buddies, Janet and Malcolm who I first met on a cruise to the Caribbean two years ago and we have kept in contact, I walk straight past Janet, come on two years is a long time, it's a man thing. We spend the next hour and a half catching up and reminiscing.

First observations of fellow passengers are, how many people onboard wear glasses, myself included and a lot of the crew, that Ladies are favouring red dresses this year, looking for a joke to combine Chris de Burgh and Specsavers! Spotted a Prince Phillip lookalike and sound alike, down to a three button blazer and hands behind his back. Some blokes have already got their shorts on, although it's blowing a gale and the outside decks and pools are closed. I must also report that most short wearers are combining sandals with SOCKS and have noted one person wearing Argyle socks with the sandals. 

We have been allocated a table for eight for our evening meal, it seems to be a very good mix and we have already had some good laughs and some lively conversations. The first two days we have encountered really rough seas, causing many fine examples of the involuntary Oceana two step. One of the best view points to view and mark this event is conveniently Costa Coffee which has a slight slope, if you catch the slope on a down swell you can make a quite spectacular entrance especially on a Zimmer frame or self propelled wheel chair, the reverse is also true, you can suffer from three steps forward and five backwards syndrome. If any of you read the earlier effort in my blog I can safely report the condoms are still in the suitcase. Well this brings my opening salvo to an end, I am writing this as a young lady is delivering a lecture called "Eat Less and Weigh Less" if you know me this lecture is falling on fallow ground, and she looks very pale and unhappy not a great advertisement for her lecture.

HRH

Malcolm doing a double take

The Socks