Timber

If you have had reports of a mini earthquake from the International Seismic institute centred on the Caribbean and Antigua in particular don't worry dear readers it was only Charlwood going ass over apex. What happened was, after venturing into St Johns and dodging some very heavy showers (ruining the plans for a beach day) we even took shelter inside a row of phone boxes, I managed to miss judge the height of a kerb on a crossroad intersection and went sprawling onto a wet pavement managing to get my hands out to lessen the impact, the only damage was my pride, a filthy T shirt ( the second of the day after having a yolk spillage at breakfast) a grazed kneecap and scaring the life out of Janet who was with me during this retail expedition. Locals came rushing from all angles to give assistance and view the beached White Whale in their High Street. After getting up and assuring the gathered audience I was ok we adjourned to a bar for rest and recuperation and inspect the damage.

Today we have arrived at St Kitts where the weather pattern has been repeated, wet morning, clearing up at around noon, leaving a sunny afternoon. St Kitts is famous for its very scenic narrow gauge railway that was once used to haul sugar cane but has now got double decker carriages taking cruise passengers around the island whilst sipping rum punch. Today it was more like Network rail, with coach loads of passengers turning up from the ships in port only to be told the train had broken down and will not be running today (at least it was not leaves on the track), that's an awful lot of £65 rebates that have to be dished out and a shed load of unhappy punters. Having watched Sky news this evening it's happened again snow in the UK as soon as I leave the country in January, sorry everyone I don't do it on purpose.

Azura in Antigua same day as Oceana

Azura Leaving

Antigua Sailaway Paul & Janet

Little & Large

Fashion but not. As we know it.

One day to go before landfall, and it's starting to warm up, today its presently 25c and getting warmer, the fight for tanning space is on and the display of elderly brown bodies is impressive, ranging from pure white to Chesterfield Brown and a Brown beyond that which I would describe as Mahogany, the paradox is that having overheard several conversations of the basking assembled the majority vote UKIP, is that irony? I have spotted a first today, shorts with braces, this could start a whole new trend, this fine example were hauled up so far they would almost pass for Hotpants, fashion faux pas or trendsetter ( more like Irish Setter). I have further evidence of inappropriate sock wearing with sandals, I will upload the images when I return home when I have a fast,free internet connection, all images have been shot from the knees downward to protect the guilty. The charges for Internet is one of my few complaints while cruising with P&O, for 240 minutes use I am charged £64 plus a £2.50 set up charge. Many systems on the ship rely on an 24 hour satellite Internet connection and I find the charges made scandalous bordering on Piracy at Sea.

I attended another fine lecture by Paul Stickler on the A6 murder involving James Hanratty, his lectures give you the facts presented without personal opinion leaving you to draw your own conclusions, this has led to many lively debates over dinner. Paul has produced a series of lectures that have been entertaining and thought provoking and well presented and very well supported daily.

Janet, Malcolm and myself had an excellent meal in Marco Pierre White's Cafe Jardin last evening which although you pay a nominal surcharge (£5.25) the food is exquisite, the service and attention to detail is second to none. In my case the excellent company and the conversation in such pleasant surroundings made it a meal to remember, thanks guys. Tomorrow we reach Antigua and the antics of myself and my fellow travellers as we invade the island will be reported on shortly.

Thoughts

From my vantage point of the Costa Coffee lounge on the 7th floor of the Atrium I can observe the comings and goings of my fellow passengers and the crew as they awake from there slumbers as they come alive after another restful night at sea on our trek Westward to the Caribbean. The open plan nature lets me see over 4 floors and watch the glass fronted elevators dash from floor to floor, carrying couples who to all appearances are sweetness and light, but the minute they are in the lift by themselves, there is much finger wagging and retreating to opposites sides  of the lift point proven, then exiting to become a loving. Couple once more. Some people wake up just in time to find a three seater settee, make camp spread themselves out so nobody else can sit down and promptly have a snooze. You can also see the Promenade deck with couples sedately getting the morning constitutional in before the loading up of Carbs, Protein and essential and non essential fats, only to be passed by the Power walkers dressed in all the latest designer sports gear, sweat bands on head and wrists, headphones probably blaring out "Eye of the Tiger" and the logo emblazoned on the T-shirt we stop for nobody, as one or two have found out, there goes the no claims bonus. The sock & sandal watch continues, this morning I spotted some humdingers, black knee length socks coupled with some demob shorts circa 1932 issue, tropical shorts, khaki for the use of, as the gentleman wearing them was not very tall, it just needed a pith helmet and he would of won the "Lofty" Don Estelle (It ain't half hot Mum) prize. I seriously doubt this attire will be beaten, but I live in hope. I am now off to the Historical Murder Presentation, The Rillington Place Murders, this takes place in the main theatre at 10am and unless you are there by 9-30 seats are at a premium, we are a blood thirsty lot. I must finish on a serious note, wherever you travel in our world you cannot have failed to have missed the News about the cowardly attacks in Paris and the fundamental attack on freedom of speech and expression, which is a basic right in a civilised world, those opposed to these principles take heed, you will never win.

                JES SUIS CHARLIE

The Gunslinger Bum Bag

Westward Ho via the Porthole

Having just set sail once again after leaving Ponta DelGado in the Azores astern, overseen by a variety of would be Nelson's, Hornblower RN's and Captain Pugwash's all adorned with Helly Hansen jackets and their brand new Christmas present Binoculars swinging from assorted necks at a jaunty nautical angle informing anyone who is willing to listen and be bored how they would handle the manoeuvre we set sail for Antigua. One of the assembled barroom Admirals took my attention in particular as he was the owner of a particularly badly fitting "Syrup" (Syrup of Fig = Wig) and as the ship came round into the wind his forelock started to flap in the breeze, he obviously had not used enough adhesive, it looked like a scene from a Morecombe and Wise Christmas Special, this is undoubtably the highlight of my cruise so far.

The sea has been flat calm much to many people's relief and the temperature has also picked up so the regular game of "musical sun loungers" has begun a practice well worth watching. We have been lucky to have a series of very interesting lectures on historical murders and criminals which have been really well attended, there has been murder at sea, murder on a train, the Kray dynasty and the murder of Lord Erroll in Kenya a member of the famous "Happy Valley Set" which the film White Mischief was based on, it took place in the 1940's and is so convoluted, who was doing what to who, drugs, alcohol and espionage, if you like a mystery please do research and read about, Paul Stickler gave a fascinating lecture as all of his talks have been. With reference to his first talk the Murder of Gay Gibson aboard a Union Castle ship whose body might of been shoved through a porthole, I think a few on board have been threatened with that fate when they have come back and found their precious sun lounger has been commandeered by an khaki short attired, argyle sock wearing, open toed sandal wearing individual, pick a porthole punk!! 

 

Paul Stickler

The beauty of Ponta DelGado

A good bit of parking

Westward Ho

Food Glorious Food

Sorry for the problems you might of had reading my last blog entry, changing the font to red (very appropriate) seems to have done the trick. A sure fire sign that stormy waters are ahead is when wads of seasick bags mysteriously appear on all the stair landings, this coupled with many empty chairs in the dinning room. We have had a couple of days of heavy breaking seas, which you must expect at this time of year in Mid Atlantic. At this time of year, as we get closer to the Azores the winds should start dying down and it will warm up (fingers crossed). With the limited amount of deck pursuits that can be carried out due to the adverse weather, inside activities become very popular. One of the most popular pastimes is finding a quiet corner, settle down in a comfy chair and pretend to read, which very quickly becomes eyes closed and snoring and in extreme circumstances combined dribbling. I ventured around a corner by the Theatre and happened on a husband & wife snoring/dribbling formation team that were managing about a 6 on the Richter scale. Eating at any opportunity seems to be another favoured pastime 24 hours constant  grazing can be achieved by following this timetable; The Plazza, Continental Breakfast 6.30am - 7pm, Marco Pierre White at Cafe Jardin, Breakfast 7.00am -11.00am, The Plazza, Brunch, 10.30am - 11.45am, Ligurain Restaurant, Lunch, Noon - 3.00pm, The Plazza, Afternoon Tea, 3.00pm - 5.30pm, then same venue, Neptune's Seafood Buffett 6.00pm - 9.30pm, Marco Pierre White's, Dinner 6pm - 10.30pm, Late Night Snacks 10.30pm - 3.30am. As you can see some very serious troughing, how the serious eater can sustain themselves in that three hour window when no food outlets are available? The answer dear reader is to be found in your cabin info pack, Room Service available 24 hours, this information is brought to you by our sponsors Gavisgon and Settlers. Still it is time for me to put on the Tuxedo/ Dinner Jacket and dickie bow tie in readiness for the Captain's welcome aboard Cocktail Party or as I refer to him "The Driver" and some free P&O house wine, I will give you a full report in my next bulletin.

Sleeping Beauty

Ladies in Red

Two days into the cruise and I feel I should bring you a report from the front ( or as we refer to it in nautical terms "The Bow").Check in at Southampton was a bit frantic as we hit a traffic jam on the dual carriageway approaching the cruise terminal, suddenly all the traffic disappeared turning left into a multi storey car park, they were all heading for the IKEA winter sale, leaving us with a completely open road ahead. As ever the porters appear and take your cases away for loading, the next you see of them is as they appear outside your cabin door. Lifeboat drill follows fairly soon after you board, seeing 300 in a confined space struggling to get on life jackets and tie them off is quite an icebreaker and causes much laughter and is a great icebreaker ( crafty Titanic reference). Next job is to meet up with my cruises buddies, Janet and Malcolm who I first met on a cruise to the Caribbean two years ago and we have kept in contact, I walk straight past Janet, come on two years is a long time, it's a man thing. We spend the next hour and a half catching up and reminiscing.

First observations of fellow passengers are, how many people onboard wear glasses, myself included and a lot of the crew, that Ladies are favouring red dresses this year, looking for a joke to combine Chris de Burgh and Specsavers! Spotted a Prince Phillip lookalike and sound alike, down to a three button blazer and hands behind his back. Some blokes have already got their shorts on, although it's blowing a gale and the outside decks and pools are closed. I must also report that most short wearers are combining sandals with SOCKS and have noted one person wearing Argyle socks with the sandals. 

We have been allocated a table for eight for our evening meal, it seems to be a very good mix and we have already had some good laughs and some lively conversations. The first two days we have encountered really rough seas, causing many fine examples of the involuntary Oceana two step. One of the best view points to view and mark this event is conveniently Costa Coffee which has a slight slope, if you catch the slope on a down swell you can make a quite spectacular entrance especially on a Zimmer frame or self propelled wheel chair, the reverse is also true, you can suffer from three steps forward and five backwards syndrome. If any of you read the earlier effort in my blog I can safely report the condoms are still in the suitcase. Well this brings my opening salvo to an end, I am writing this as a young lady is delivering a lecture called "Eat Less and Weigh Less" if you know me this lecture is falling on fallow ground, and she looks very pale and unhappy not a great advertisement for her lecture.

HRH

Malcolm doing a double take

The Socks

Cruise Preparation

Its that time of year again as I start to prepare for my next cruise, start the check lists off, I never expected to have to include these items along with the Strepsils, Immodium and Gaviscon, but according to the travel section of the ever reliable and well balanced Daily Mail I have another first priority that I need to pack. Read on dear friends (Not for the faint hearted)

Cruise passengers warned to pack 'good quality condoms' as rates of chlamydia and gonorrhoea soar among pensioners

• Warnings given out in government information fact-sheet
• Numbers continue to increase of people aged 65+ getting STIs
• Cases of chlamydia in the 65+ more than doubled in last four years

By John Hutchinson for MailOnline

Published: 13:49, 17 December 2014 | Updated: 16:17, 17 December 2014

Pensioners are being warned to use protection on board cruise ships if they plan on having flings after a rise in the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) among the elderly.

A new government fact-sheet, titled 'Travel health on board cruise ships' has warned cruise passengers - who are predominantly over the age of 50 - that they should be prepared if they plan to have sex.

The advice reads: 'If there is a chance you might have casual sex, be prepared: take in-date, good quality condoms with you.' 

OAPs are being warned to protect themselves in sexual encounters on board cruise ships

There is also a warning that the consumption of alcohol can lead people to 'lose their inhibitions,' and that taking care of your sexual health should always be priority.

STIs on the rise in the over-65s 

Worrying, sexually transmitted infections are on the rise in the over-65 age group. Here are some facts and figures from the period 2009-2013...

Chlamydia

2009 - 94 (84 men, 10 women)

2013 - 298 (242 men, 53 women)

Gonorrhoea

2009 - 60 (56 men, four women)

2013 - 126 (117 men, nine women)

Herpes

2009 - 158 (109 men, 49 women)

2013 - 265 (163 men, 102 women)

Syphilis

2009 - 33 (32 men, one woman)

2013 - 46 (40 men, six women)

Warts

2009 - 316 (262 men, 54 women)

2013 - 417 (329 men, 88 women)

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Last year, the average UK passenger age of those who go on cruises was 57 and a quarter of passengers are over 60 years old.

Despite many lines seeking to attract a younger clientele and families, the average age has risen from 54.8 to 57 in the last ten years. 

Travellers over the age of 60 also make up more than a quarter of cruise passengers, according to statistics.

Statistics taken from 2009-2013 show an alarming rise in the number of STI diagnoses for men and women aged 65+.

There were 295 confirmed cases of chlamydia in 2013, 242 of these were men with 53 women. 

The stats make worrying reading as in 2009 the number of confirmed cases was 94; 84 being attributed to men and 10 to women.

The amount of people aged 65+ being diagnosed for gonorrhoea has more than doubled for the years 2009-2013.

In 2009, 56 men aged over 65 and 60 women were diagnosed with gonorrhoea. In 2013 those numbers had risen significantly; there were 117 males cases of gonorrhoea and 126 where women were concerned.

There have also been increases in cases of herpes, syphilis and genital warts. 

A study recently published in Student BMJ found more than 80 per cent of people between the ages of 60 and 90 are sexually active, and the number of STIs among this group has doubled in the past 10 years. 

The average age of UK cruise passengers is 57, and sexual protection is on the government's agenda for these types of holiday

'People are making midlife changes and going back into dating and maybe never have used condoms when they started out many years ago,' Eli Coleman, director of the Program in Human Sexuality and the University of Minnesota Medical School, told ABC News.

'They also think of their grandmother's old fashioned condoms and know nothing about the availability of them now or how to use them.'

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I think I will turn down the invite for the Steradent swapping party.