The Tring Cowboy & Friends

A few words from the charming people that I met for a nightcap in Tiffany's most evenings, as you can probably imagine a host of stories to tell, all funny most unrepeatable.

Thanks for helping to make my cruise so enjoyable

Service with a Big Smile

One aspect of Cruising which should never be underestimated is the friendliness of the staff who you are in daily contact with, some would argue that the smiles and the courtesy you get shown is false, put on and done to illicit a large tip at the end of the cruise. I personally disagree, it would be hard to keep up that level of pretence for 24 days or even longer on a world cruise, the newly introduced tipping system has changed the old tradition of personal tipping in some cases. The nature of Indian, Filipino and Oriental people is genuinely a more positive outlook on life than the average European, you should also remember crew are often contracted for six to nine months at a time with very little time off.

Your first point of contact is always your cabin boy or girl, Minguel looked after me on this cruise and nothing was too much trouble and he was a hive of information, and on occasion's coming back to the cabin to find a swan or an elephant made out of towels did make me smile. Waiters the world over have a tough job, I have a job not to spill a coffee between the kitchen and the lounge, these guys do it at sea in force 9-10, respect. In Tiffany Court, which is were you get your Costa Coffee, all the guys were great, but I got on particularly well with Vincente (Vinnie) a great laugh always smiling and flirting, rearranging furniture to fit everyone in, a guy who had time for everyone who is very nearly at the end of his nine month contract and is looking forward to getting home to Kerala to his beautiful wife and 18 month old daughter. In our restaurant we were regally looked after by our waiters.

As you can see the smile never far away, a level of service and speed that would be hard to beat anywhere, always quick to change anything you were not happy with, get Sean an extra portion and find Patrick Ice Cream to go with everything. Janet who has to have a different menu was given the next days menu so she could make her selections for the next day with the minimum of fuss. Carol our wine waitress was a darling, once purchased you never poured your own wine, as your glass was getting lower & lower she suddenly materialised and topped you up, no mean trick when you consider how many tables she was looking after.
We also had meals at Marco Pierre White's Ocean Grill and the Italian Restaurant were once again the staff could not have been more attentive and help to enhance the experience. I am full of admiration for the staff who made my holiday such a pleasure, I don't know all your names but thank you one and all.

 

Table 71

The Ancient Art of Quoits

Deck quoits

Deck quoits is popular on cruise ships. The quoits are invariably made of rope, so as to avoid damaging the ship's deck, but there are no universally agreed standards or rules - partly because of the game's informal nature and partly because the game has to adapt to the shape and area of each particular ship it is played upon.
Players take it in turn to throw three or four hoops at a target which usually, though not always, consists of concentric circles marked on the deck. The centre point is called the jack. Occasionally this may take the form of a raised wooden peg, but more usually it is marked on the surface in the same way that the concentric circles are.
Well what happened was, Big Sean and I were persuaded by Malcolm (The Assasin) & Patrick (The Punisher) to try our arm at Quoits which we duly did with varying degrees of success, after nearly depositing several Quoits directly into the Ocean, taking chunks out of the ships superstructure we started to get the hang of the game and embarked on several amusing games, which to be honest were quite enjoyable. Half way through one game at quite a tense point in proceedings the Captain made his Churchillian style 6-00pm progress speech, causing the suspension of the game or quoitus interruptus. The game onboard ship is very popular with daily competitions taking place and the whole thing is taken very seriously and is extremely competitive, unlike our friendly games which had a never ending stream of banter, abuse and laughter, with even Georgie joining in (doing better in one session, than I did in several). Of course the best part of all was the apres quoits in Lords Taveners (The Pub) discussing the techinical aspects of the game over several beers before dinner, while Malcolm (The Duracell Bunny) went off on his training 2 mile walk around the deck, we were with him in spirit and waved at him every time he passed the bar window.

The Phantom

As we come towards the end of what has been a most enjoyable cruise one mystery still remains, somewhere on D deck resides the Phantom, who is he? What is his purpose? Sightings of the man dressed in a dark suit and tie have been reported and spotted since the ship left Southampton, he suddenly appears behind you in corridors, swishes past you silently, like an apparition, only to stop a few yards further on, stare silently into space retrace his tracks for a few steps then turn again and proceed on his original course silently without a word of explanation. He has been seen in deep conversation with with grey coloured passengers swapping biblical quotations ad nausium.  Allegedly during this cruise six souls have shuffled off this mortal coil, fallen off the perch, snuffed it. This has lead me to believe the Phantom's real purpose on board is as a freelance mobile undertaker, or even a representative of the Co-op funeral service (with divi stamps)  offering advice on various funeral plans to fit all budgets, this would explain his demeanour and ability to suddenly just appear and his hang dog expression. I am personally disappointed that we have not had the spectacle of a burial at sea, which would of offered considerably more entertainment than the two so called comedians that we have had to endure. The sight of the tarpaulin clad corpse sliding out from underneath a Union Jack borrowed from the mast, entering the Bay of Biscay from the surface of the highly polished dining tables from the Oriental  restaurant (borrowed between sittings) would have made a spectacular ending for all involved, with the DJ adding suitable background music to enhance the sombre atmosphere (Rod Stewart's Sailing followed by Puff the Magic Dragon, finishing with Rule Britannia) as the tarpaulin drifts into the after foam astern (At last I am learning the technical terms, instead of blunt & sharp end) and starts to sink with the plaintive sound of Oriana's hooter drifting across the ether and the sun slowly setting, with the scent of Gaulloise cigarette smoking drifting on the breeze from the coast of France. Having written that last paragraph I feel moved to seek out the Phantom and make an enquiry for a pre paid funeral plan. Upon arrival at Southampton I once again espied the Phantom patrolling the Promenade deck prior to departure clad in a Black cromby, Russian Style Hat and gloves adding even more to his mysterious persona. I must not have been the only one to thinks this for as we cleared the Customs Hall in the main building, one person had been pulled over by Her Majesty's Customs and Excise and was having the contents of his luggage inspected with a fine tooth comb, yes you guessed it none other than the Phantom. I had to move on with the majority of passengers but I was left to ponder was anything found? Was a full body and cavity inspection required, welcome to England.

Homeward Bound

We are now getting ready for our last port of call the tiny island of Horta part of the Azores in mid Atlantic a favourite stopping place for the Yachting fraternity doing Atlantic crossings. It is rare for cruise ships to call in, this only occurs a couple of times a year, so it has no large ship docking facilities and ships have to anchor off shore with cruise passengers having to be tendered across by the ships lifeboat's, this takes some considerable time and can be a bit like a fairground ride. At the moment tendering looks in doubt as the sea could have quite a swell and the rise and fall between ship and tender could be to great to make this a safe operation, the other risk is after getting people ashore the weather worsens and people cannot get back on board ship. If it does go ahead I think this exercise will offer great people watching opportunities, in a sadistic sort of way!!

Some of my top sightings in these last few sea days include, the 5ft 4" lady who is the same width, wearing a Pink mini Pom Pom dress and knee length black Lycra cycling shorts closely followed by a Blue Rinsed lady exiting the Ladies Loo with not only her dress tucked in her knickers but sporting a toilet roll tail. On the sun deck there have been quite a number of Wardrobe Malfunctions not on a par with Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl, more like Mrs Mills. Tattoos are not the property of just the young many of the mid seniors are sporting them and they are on display unabashed during copious sunbathing sessions, but be warned what started out as a cute little Dolphin on holiday in Turkey, can in later life become a Sperm Whale.

Bless You

Bugger

Our dinning manager was missing for a couple of evenings when we saw him again he told us that he had gone down with a cold but was now feeling better. The next evening our table monitor Janet, reported she had a head cold, but had dosed up, and was having an early night. Last night it was my turn, sneezing, blocked nose with a sore throat, that will teach me to gloat over the weather in the UK. Ridiculous coughing and sneezing in temperatures of 30c plus. The only up side I spent the evening in my cabin had room service (FOC) and avoided wearing the penguin suit for a black tie dinner.   

Death in Paradise

On a serious note for once in this blog, when you look at your fellow passengers you realise the average age is in the mid Seventies with all the attendant health issues that come to us all as we progress through life's rich tapestry. In Barbados yesterday two of my table companions were walking along the beach only to be halted in their tracks by local police shutting down the beach and putting an elderly gentleman into a body bag. It transpired that he was a passenger from the Oriana who was travelling by himself and had been enjoying a swim in the warm crystal clear water only to collapse as he came out of the sea, struck down with what appeared to be a massive heart attack. This has to be confirmed by an autopsy which will be carried out locally, my thoughts and sympathy go to the gentleman's family in the UK who waved him off, never to come back. There have been many falls and tumbles during our passage and the ship's Doctor and his medical team have certainly been kept busy, the crash team got called to a fall in a cubicle in one of the many loo's on board and had to resuscitate a person who was eventually transferred to a land based Intensive Care Unit. It just brings into very sharp focus how quickly your circumstances can change, so make the most of the present. I promise the next blog will be more light hearted.

The Usual Suspects

Table 71

A successful cruise depends on having an open mind, good weather and excellent dining companions, the  last can make or break your cruising experience. The first evening that I should have met my companions got off to an ignominious start, coming aboard at 3-00 ish and taking part in emergency evacuation drills (Titanic Time) then going back to the cabin and unpacking, thinking I'll just read a few pages of my book then waking up at 10-15pm just in time to go to bed and missing out on your first dinner sitting is not a great start. So with a measure of apprehension I made sure I was early the next night to meet my dining companions, at our table of single travellers, seven of us had been placed together, three ladies, three gentlemen and me. After making my profuse apology for missing the previous evening, introductions were made and luckily by associating people's names with books and songs I was able to remember them (for those of you who know me well an amazing feat given my short term memory) where was I, oh yes we had Georgie (from the Seekers song) an Enigma and child of the Sixties who once lived in the Kings Road, Chelsea, Janet of that literary classic Janet and John made famous by the much lamented Terry Wogan breakfast show, later to become known as Mother Superior, Lorna of Lorna Doone fame, every bit as pretty as the heroine of the book, with a great sense of humour.  With my love of Irish music Sean and Patrick gave me no problems in thinking of The Pogues and I could not get the Pogue's album "Rum, sodomy and the Lash out of my mind, very appropriate for a sea journey. Last but not least was a fellow West Countryman, Malcolm who I equated to Malcolm McLaren puppet master of the Sex Pistols, which if you ever have the good luck to meet Malcolm could not be further from the truth, a gentleman and a scholar very much old school, a dying breed. It became clear very quickly evident that through some quirk of fate, and the seating manager's whim we had been dealt an excellent hand that would help enhance our collective cruise experiences. Unfortunately we were to loose one of our company, Lorna, a cruise first timer along with Sean, unfortunately Lorna found the swell of our Atlantic crossing just too much for her and although it did settle down a bit she decided to make arrangements to fly back home to the UK from Antigua we gathered in the Atrium to see her off and wish her safe journey, although I only knew her for a short time she was a fun Lady with a great sense of fun. We did have another person transferred to our table, I will not identify him to protect the innocent, let us just say it was oil and water syndrome and there was a collective sigh of relief when a transfer bid came in for him (real or imaginary I cannot say) and it was agreed, without doubt it was best for all parties, those two days were as welcome as a guide dog with rabies. I can say that this is one of the most enjoyable cruises that I have been on and that is in no small part due to my fellow conspirators on Table 71, including the PA and events co-ordinator and table monitor, Sports Correspondent, quoits player and putter extraordinaire, the Big Sunburnt Teddy Bear who has developed into a confirmed future cruiser, the Spokesman & bargain hunter and our child of the 60s and veteran of Stones concerts on Eel Pie Island. Ladies & Gents thanks for your company and if you try and sue me I will deny it all.

Antigua

Here we are on the beautiful island of Antigua there are three ships including ourselves moored up, depositing approximately 6000 souls on this sun drenched paradise, including the Costa Luminosa parked right side up!! Also alongside is a Royal Caribbean ship that has a Captain Jack Sparrow lookalike stationed at the bottom of the gang plank accompanied by a photographer who insists on taking your photo with Captain Jack, surprisingly the Americans seem keen on the idea, if it was our ship the Old Dears would treat him like Abu Hamsa and chase him down the quayside with a combination of parasols, Zimmer frames and motorised wheelchairs. 

The ability of Islanders to communicate in several different languages at once is another eye opener, the common denominator being the ability to separate said multilingual punters from their American Dollars (The preferred currency) and slipping them their change in Caribbean Dollars which are useless and you need a wheelbarrow full to have any value. If they are detected doing this switch their inability to be able to communicate in the language they had been using to secure the deal gives rise to "Me no understand"   This does not apply to the upmarket shops like Diamonds International and Colombian sapphires & rubies, I think the security guards with the automatic weapons and bulges under tailored blazers are quite intimidating. I am not sure if this level of security is to stop theft by Cruise Visitors or the locals, but the contents of the shops are quite stunning with prices to match up to 6 figures and beyond on request, never have I seen the blood drain from male faces so quickly and a hand shoot to a wallet in a defensive manoeuvre so quickly accompanied by much tugging of arms to look at the lovely tea towels and Bermuda shirts just over the way.  Three of us have made camp facing these jewellery shops ordering cold bottles of Carib beer, this is better than watching a football match.    

Launched

A Sunflower is now floating around the Caribbean  Sea in memory of Barbs.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Barbs
True love stories have no ending.
All my love and more
Paul X

Lazy days or What

If you thought a cruise was laying back soaking up the sun, for some on board it is more like a military operation, a test in time management and pure stamina. Some of the older folk on board would make a marathon runner look a wimp. Don't believe me, here is a sample of a typical days programme. 

8am Walk a mile, yoga, Christian fellowship, Fab Abs, Art Class. From 10am Individual Quiz, Line Dancing, Deck Quoits, Learners Bridge, Shuffle Board Competition, Craft Class, Beginners Dance Class, Table Tennis Comp, 12.00 Form a Ships Choir, Beginners Spanish, DJ on deck, Film in Cinema, lecture Limp & Lifeless Hair? Progressive Quiz. Fit in Lunch. From 2pm Masonic get together, Whist Drive, Fluid retention and swollen ankles seminar, Classical recital. 4pm Short Tennis Competition, Total body conditioning, Discover acupuncture, Bingo, Golf Putting comp, Tai Chi. Individual Quiz. 6pm cocktail pianist Show in Theatre Thank you for the Music, Early Evening dance date, Comedian in Theatre, Pub Quiz, Dance the Night Away, Syndicate Quiz, Late Night Disco. Fit in four course dinner. Crawl into bed, shoot up with performance enhancing drugs to get through tomorrow. Honestly that is only part of the programme, this is not a holiday for the faint hearted, be warned, if you are contemplating a cruise go into training at least 6 months before you cast off!!!!

Force 8

I see by Sky News that bad weather has hit or is about to shut down the UK. Please spare a thought for all of those souls on board the good ship Oriana. We have had Force 8-9 winds and swells up to 8-9 meters causing the ship to alter course to miss the centre of this deep depression. Quiet a few people are feeling under the weather, luckily not yours truly, made getting about a bit difficult with the deck rocking and rolling but also made for great people watching conditions!!! You know its going to be rough when sickbags are put in dispensers in all the stair wells on the route back to the cabins and the air is full of the unmistakable aroma of Jayes Fluid. One unfortunate lady on her first ever cruise has had enough and booked a flight to Gatwick when we reach Antigua in a couple of days time. I have strategically found a seat in the coffee shop that covers the entrance to the Coffee Shop that everyone on that deck has to use to get anywhere else on this bucking bronco of a ship, the more sprightly have no problems, some pass in a sequence dance routine,one forward, three back, four to the side and repeat. The most interesting are those in zimmer frame with wheels, who very nearly break the land speed record if the conditions are right, it is all that I can do not to offer a round of applause. The reverse of this game the ascent is also interesting, although not as quick it is still a good spectator sport because it is a team sport some time with three or four participants pushing a standard wheelchair up this Mount Everest of a slope.
The seas are starting to settle as we approach St Marteen or first port of call, I envisage some Pope like moments when people are able to get on dry land again, with kissing of the Tarmac. I hope to report on other incidents as they occur, don't get me wrong there are great slabs of normality on this trip and some very pleasant company, especially on the table I share for dining a real good cross section of solo travellers, with an oddity thrown in (Not me for once) more on that later.

Southampton

Given the adverse publicity surrounding the ship I am joining later today. For those that don't know the P&O ship Oriana (The Plague Ship) docked just before Christmas at Southampton with over 400 people on board suffering from Noro Virus, extra medical staff had to be taken on board in Holland to help cope with outbreak, people were confined to their cabin's and upon its return several elderly cruisers were taken by ambulance to hospital. In light of this information I have made a quick study of the I-Spy book of birds and packed my binoculars in my hand luggage and intend to do a sweep of the skies above Mayflower Quay were the Oriana will be berthed.

Vulture

 Seagull

Starting Out

Well what happened was, when I retired and my wife Barbara sadly passed away I had to decide do I stay at home with the cat (Loulabella) or do I carry on with my life and do something that we had always talked about and wanted to do?

Meet the Cat

 

The what, was to travel, see places and meet people, enjoy different cuisines, experience different cultures, in short have our gap year at the other end of our lives, but with a little bit of luxury thrown in, cruising was the answer.
Just after Barbara received the diagnosis of having advanced breast cancer and all the horrible treatments that she had to face with some dread, but confronted with extraordinary amounts of courage, we decided that what was needed were some achievable goals and targets to get her through, a light at the end of the tunnel. We decided that the height of decadence would be a cruise and blow the budget. This we duly did by booking two weeks in the Caribbean with the sadly missed Ocean Village booking a balcony suite. To get us to Barbados in style we booked premium seats on the flight out and before we had reached the end of the runway we were tucking into champagne, needless to say the whole event was a great success and was the filip that was need to head into part two of her treatment programme. It was to be the start of a way of holidaying that we both fell in love with, a floating hotel of quality that whisked you away to a new port every day.

Well next thing to think about is packing, or as I like to approach it "Its a Knockout". I must admit to getting the iron out and doing a bit, but with my style of packing it will be a fairly pointless exercise. The great thing about cruising that you are not limited to 15kg or what ever the airline in their generosity allow you to have. While waiting to handover cases at Southampton I have observed as many as 6 cases handed over by a couple, you know the type "Young man I have been to the upper reaches of the Limpopo and had more cases than this for the bearers to take care of in my Caravansary" and you would not argue you with her. Mice chuck themselves on traps when she visits. Trying to work out what to take always taxes my thought process, what is the formula for socks and knickers over 24 days how often can you reverse them? I also work on the assumption anything white will only get one use as I will certainly spill something down it!!!
Have I got enough cat food in for the Queen of Guildford Avenue, who is currently addicted to Tuna in brine, cooked chicken breast and slums it with a pouch of Felix fish flavoured food to see her through the night and still she only weighs 3 kilos. Don't forget the giant sack of Cat Litter or as Loula likes to think of it Weston Super Mare beach half on the kitchen floor/half in the tray, she uses it as guerrilla warfare against humans by spreading it in places you don't expect and you tread on it half asleep in the wee small hours as excruciating pain shots up from the soles of your feet as you make that half asleep/half awake journey to the bathroom. A sign of getting older in the packing routine is the majority of room is taken up by pills and unctions needed for every eventuality, currently I take 11 pills in the morning and 5 at night, you do the maths for 24 days, then add in Gaviscon, painkillers, Immodium (could come in handy as this ship was the one that made the headlines with Noro Virus outbreak) and all the other stuff E45 cream, smellies, soap, shower gel, more like a mobile branch of Boots with pharmacy. Well nearly done just got to dig out the Monkey Suit for the formal evenings (Don't get me started on that, like a room full of Emperor Penguins). I will post some more observations over the next few days, until then time to do battle with the suitcase again, starting with removing the cat from the dress shirts I just ironed.