The Phantom

As we come towards the end of what has been a most enjoyable cruise one mystery still remains, somewhere on D deck resides the Phantom, who is he? What is his purpose? Sightings of the man dressed in a dark suit and tie have been reported and spotted since the ship left Southampton, he suddenly appears behind you in corridors, swishes past you silently, like an apparition, only to stop a few yards further on, stare silently into space retrace his tracks for a few steps then turn again and proceed on his original course silently without a word of explanation. He has been seen in deep conversation with with grey coloured passengers swapping biblical quotations ad nausium.  Allegedly during this cruise six souls have shuffled off this mortal coil, fallen off the perch, snuffed it. This has lead me to believe the Phantom's real purpose on board is as a freelance mobile undertaker, or even a representative of the Co-op funeral service (with divi stamps)  offering advice on various funeral plans to fit all budgets, this would explain his demeanour and ability to suddenly just appear and his hang dog expression. I am personally disappointed that we have not had the spectacle of a burial at sea, which would of offered considerably more entertainment than the two so called comedians that we have had to endure. The sight of the tarpaulin clad corpse sliding out from underneath a Union Jack borrowed from the mast, entering the Bay of Biscay from the surface of the highly polished dining tables from the Oriental  restaurant (borrowed between sittings) would have made a spectacular ending for all involved, with the DJ adding suitable background music to enhance the sombre atmosphere (Rod Stewart's Sailing followed by Puff the Magic Dragon, finishing with Rule Britannia) as the tarpaulin drifts into the after foam astern (At last I am learning the technical terms, instead of blunt & sharp end) and starts to sink with the plaintive sound of Oriana's hooter drifting across the ether and the sun slowly setting, with the scent of Gaulloise cigarette smoking drifting on the breeze from the coast of France. Having written that last paragraph I feel moved to seek out the Phantom and make an enquiry for a pre paid funeral plan. Upon arrival at Southampton I once again espied the Phantom patrolling the Promenade deck prior to departure clad in a Black cromby, Russian Style Hat and gloves adding even more to his mysterious persona. I must not have been the only one to thinks this for as we cleared the Customs Hall in the main building, one person had been pulled over by Her Majesty's Customs and Excise and was having the contents of his luggage inspected with a fine tooth comb, yes you guessed it none other than the Phantom. I had to move on with the majority of passengers but I was left to ponder was anything found? Was a full body and cavity inspection required, welcome to England.