Making Camp

As we exit an uneventful and smooth crossing of the Bay of Biscay (Not a periscope, iceberg or Great White Whale to be seen anywhere Lizzie) the only disconcerting thing to report was Adele playing on constant loop in the background, oh the inhumanity of it. Watching the great British table selection at breakfast is an ancient tradition that is preformed with all the pomp and accuracy as the Birds of Paradise in the rainforests of New Guinea, the only difference is the female has the fine and showy plumage, the Male is the plain and dowdy one, and very often still half asleep. Selection of the feeding site must have factored in, view, the ability to be seen by other females of the species, especially that posh cow from cabin 345, be draught free so as not to ruffle the hair which has been worked on since the 6 am shower, followed by 30 minutes in front of the mirror putting on makeup and various unctions, this is all lost on the un-shaven Male in muscle top, khaki shorts and flip flops who took approximately two minutes to get ready, this included underwear and sock sniffing time to see if they would go another day without turning them inside out, which is only done on rare occasions and the outbreak of Noro Virus (I believe this is how the band Dire Straits came up with their name) Now the nest site has been selected after several false alarms, the Male or beast of burden unloads all the paraphernalia needed for the mornings activities, next comes food selection where the female disappears for 20 minutes with the Male is left behind to protect the site from interlopers. When she eventually returns with 1 slice of toast and green tea it is his turn to get his calorie intake topped up to survive the rigors of the day, this usually entails a full English plus a round of toast and marmalade and a mug of builders tea, for which he is berated until lunch time,  but evolution has helped the Male to develop La La ears for occasions such as this. This performance is again repeated, minus food, but bottled water added around the sunbathing site, the female has to make a small sacrifice at this point by the addition of a floppy hat for Sun protection and sun glasses, spoiling the hair and makeup. This only lasts for five minutes due to the vagaries of the weather and a passing shower, abandon camp site back to the cabin, and if the sun comes back out the process, minus food will be repeated. It has all the makings of a reality TV programme hosted by Claudia Winkleman “The Great British Husband and Wife Day Out” As I finish this piece off sat in Costa Professor Hubert Farnsworth look a like from Futurerama has just walked in, he may be a cartoon character but I think I will ask him for his autograph.