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Testing email posting update on "Travels with Charlwood"

Some odd photos from the Cruise

 St John's, Antigua just after rain storm

 Same street 20 minutes later

Oriana in Dominica

Guardians of the Chaplin Cinema on board Oriana

Made it to Horta at Last

On previous trips to the Caribbean, Horta has always been on the itenerrary but because it is by tender the weather has always been to rough to launch and go across, this time the weather was perfect to go ashore. Unfortunately the Charlwood nether regions were in a state of turbulence at about Beaufort Scale 10 which percluded me from doing the transfer, so I still have not managed to visit Horta, one day.

Homeward Bound

Now the end is near(make a good opening for a song that) time to reflect on the trip and the people I have met along the way and some of the events. On a personal note there were three or four days that I was scared to cough or sneeze because the outcome could of been catastrophic, I could well of had the best suntanned legs on board, something didn't agree with me, it all settled down, thank god for Imodium. One person sadly passed away during the cruise, I understand that there is a special storeage facility on board and special procedures that are gone through to return the person to the UK, I have not been able to face frozen peas since I was given this information. P&O continue to practice piracy on the high seas with their pricing regime for internet usage, £64 for 240 minutes, with lesser times proportionately dearer still, crew members who are also charged extortionate prices wait to hit port and find free wifi access so they can contact home during their nine month contracts. I have been fortunate to meet many nice people during the cruise, also a few who are full of their own self importance and are quick to "address you like a public meeting" to them in the wise words of Mrs Agnes Brown " That's Nice"
I know it's time to come home and face the cat as I found myself making out a shopping list for Tesco's, how sad is that? At this point in every cruise I find myself thinking how brilliant the staff on board are, they work remarkably hard and are always cheerful and smiling for a pittance of a wage, and have to endure some obnoxious behaviour from passengers at times, they seem to be powered by Duracell batteries, thanks guys for making it a trip to remember, yet again.

Nature Watch

As the temperature begins to drop by about two degrees a day the fight is on for space on deck to squeeze the last bit of tanning potential out of the sun. If you are up early enough a get a seat just outside the Conservatory eatery and arm yourself with a cup of coffee and a croissant at a table tucked away in the corner of the Lido deck over looking the grandly named "Crystal Pool" (Techie note, good Chlorine Levels, poor pH 7.9 not sure of TDS but pretty sure incontinence is the issue) you can assume the role of David Attenborough observing a watering hole in the Kruger National Park. The elders of the pack approach the area with the confidence of many seasons behind them, moving a little slower now but looking for all the signs, estimating the course and track of the sun, licking the finger and testing for wind, weather wise not personal, estimating the premier spot with optimum opportunity and starting the complicated business of nest building for them self and their mate. This is shortly followed by the dance of the beach towel as it is spread and denotes their territory which prevents others encroaching, this is followed by moving other items into the area preventing other nest builders from getting too close, but at the same time as moving items of furniture about, such as small tables to place all the paraphernalia needed for this 10 hour ritual. If at any time others try to invade the site, it can lead to major displays of anger and subtle retaliation. It should be noted that the urinating on items to denote the nest site area is no longer practised intentionally but I am not sure about in the watering hole, see my Techie Note, I thinks tis is more to do with Arthritis, Hip Replacements and steep pool ladders and being able to get out in time. Once established the site is never left unattended for fear of a Cuckoo entering the nest, items are placed to discourage interlopers, such as books, hats, IPads, sun creams and other various unctions, this is most noticeable at feeding times, when partners take it in turns to eat, or alternatively the female of the species circles the Buffett with an expert eye, and armed with several napkins gathers rolls, cold meats & fruit to take back to the communal nest. So it carries on throughout the day until the last ray of sunlight leaves the sky and silence returns to the watering hole, only for it all to be repeated tomorrow.

Does Lightning strike twice in the same place?

In my previous blog I regaled you with story of the Loo Water flooding of my dining companion's cabin in the early hours of the morning. Does Lightning Strike in the same place twice? Is there such a thing as a Jonah? Do Bears shit in the wood? Well that Finger of Fate had not stopped flying yet, it came back to the same cabin in the early hours of the morning two days to do a lap of honour and deposit the contents of the said loo system into his bathroom and part of his bedroom floor again. It was almost a complete repeat performance again, but detected a bit earlier this time, so the area of damp or as he called it " The tide did not rise as far this time " (Typical English understatement & reserve). Taking it all in his stride after the clean up operation again, he wrote a stiff letter, to the House Services Manager suggesting that this should not be happening, once is an accident, twice is downright careless and he might want to consider some form of compensation for inconvenience and lack of sleep. A very calm and measured response, compared to most of us. If Barbs had been on board and it had happened to her (She took these things very personally) she would be several hundred pounds better off, had a discount or free future cruise, and been displaying a new set off earrings made of someone's testicles before the cock crowed the dawn. (fact).

Things that go bump in the night again

On every trip there always seems one person that everything seems to happen to, every piece of bad luck that is possible seems to be attracted to this person, like iron filings to a magnet. It is not a pleasant position to be in as I well  know to my own cost after an ill fated journey to Arnhem in Holland, but that's another story for another time.
You may recall one of my dinning partners had an issue with an ear infection and blood on his pillow, we'll the flying fickle finger of fate has singled him out again to be the recipient of her cruel humour. Whilst in the land of nod he was convinced he could hear the sound of the sea breaking against the rocks, banging against rocks, so real was his dream that he woke up with a start he decided to get up. The minute he put his feet over the side of his bed he was aware of a wet sensation and water or something ankle deep and lights suddenly coming on and people in his room, being without his hearing aid he was just a bit disorientated to say the least,not sure if was a dream or real, had we struck a rock and sinking, Costa Concordia style? It certainly was real, he was ushered back on to his bed well several maintenance crew members dashed to his bathroom to turn the water off. During the early hours of the morning the toilet system in four cabins had backed up and started to flow profusely into the bathroom and out into the bedroom to a depth of three inches, remember this is not clean water direct from the mains. He sat like a Sheikh in the middle of his bed as everything swung into action, the first thing after the excess water was got rid of, was the old carpet was ripped up a space heater run for ten minutes, hoovered through a new carpet laid down, everything cleaned and tidied, the two odd items of clothes that had been caught in the deluge taken away and put into the ships laundry, they apologised for any inconvenience, turned off the lights and wished him goodnight. Surreal or what?

Doctor, Doctor.

Today we arrived in Grenada, which means only one more port of call (Barbados) then we start the journey back across the Atlantic via Horta in the Azores. In two previous attempts I have not made it into Horta because it is a tender transfer and the weather has been too rough to launch the tender boats, third time lucky!
Our Indian brethren are a little bit down today after losing the world 20/20 final to Sri Lanka, one diner suggested that our waiter cheer up, it's only a cricket match it's not life and death, the waiter came back with a classic " No it's more important than that" silence was the reply. Yesterday in Dominica being Sunday all the shops were shut, so the only option was to adjourn to a bar and sample the local beer at $2 a bottle, after 6 I decided it was quite nice and had some great conversations with two ladies from Abergavenny also two gentlemen from Rochdale and a guy from Dominica who's laugh was so thick and deep, if treacle had a noise that would be it, all in all a great way to spend a Sunday lunchtime. The Welsh ladies offered their opinions on various acts that have been performing on board, the latest comedian was "Rubbish" we have heard better at the Working Men's Club, the male singer was very good, looking forward to seeing him again, mind you not as good as Tom Jones, see. A tough audience indeed. Apparently the sick bay have been relatively busy from trips and falls as a result of the rough Atlantic passage, one of my dinning companions tripped and cut her leg on the side of the bed on the first evening, it was serious enough to warrant 12 stitches on the lower leg and a course of anti-biotics and having it checked every two days, the lady who is in a wheelchair cannot speak highly enough of the treatment she has received. The running total for her treatment so far is £800 and rising, just shows the importance of travel insurance. Another gentleman at our table who wears hearing aids woke up one morning to find his pillow covered in blood, his hearing aid had caused an infection in his ear which had burst causing the blood, after treatment at the medical centre they stopped the bleeding, but he has been unable to wear his hearing oaid, and he may have to go to the local hospital in Barbados and have the offending blood vessel cauterised. We have been taking the Mickey with fake sign language and offering to buy a hearing trumpet ashore, which he joins in with. Our table is now known as "Emergency Ward 10" and after dessert we now have Doctors Rounds instead of coffee.

The British are Coming

The dinning table is starting to relax a bit and there is more laughter, it has not jelled like previous cruises yet. One incident has really broken the ice more than any other, someone said they had seen a sign up for a meeting on board for "The Friends of Dorothy" which is code for a meeting of Gay people. After some discussion one of the Welsh Ladies pronounced she had nothing against Gay people as long as they didn't ram it down your throat, we'll guess who just erupted into an uncontrollable mess with tears running down the face others were laughing out loud and the Lady suddenly realised what she had said in all innocence and went into convulsions in the chair next to me the whole dinning room was staring at us some with humour and a few with snooty looks. Still it worked in breaking the ice, I don't think there will be any changing of addresses but at least meal times are more fun due to one slip of the tongue(forgive the pun).
Arrived in Antigua this morning (Friday) weather really nice about 30c we are having a longer port stay than usual not leaving until 10pm, stepped foot ashore got half way up the Main Street and the heavens opened with torrential rain, I had to find the nearest shelter which just happened to be a bar that was showing India v South Africa in the World 20/20 cricket semi final, the crew of Oriana are mostly Indian and were in the bar supporting their team with much gusto and loads of banter with the locals where cricket is a religion great fun and great to see people who make our cruise so much fun having a great time themselves. Rain has stopped time for some serious people watching, no pith helmet yet, but have seen a captains hat with so much gold braid on it that it might of been designed by Boy George, an oversize (three times over) Australian flat sided bush hat, a Tam o Shanter with ginger hair sticking out from the sides Jimmy and a dozen or so Rasta Hats complete with Dreds, the British are in Port.

Ebony and Ivory

Now the weather is changing for better, the fight for sun worshipping spots has begun along with the vast range of fashion statements that accompany that hobby. By contrast now the sun is high in the sky there is also a scrabble for comfortable areas of shade, you must decide if you are "Ebony or Ivory". At the blunt of the ship (technical nautical term) there is a series of ascending decks that the sun loungers are arranged on if you go to the top deck and look down towards the pool, it's like staring at a surreal tin of sardines. As the heat rises several ladies rise together to go and rehydrate, for modesty they put on diafonous robes made of chiffon and as the wind catches them it looks like an early morning mist off the Yorkshire Moors. At breakfast in the Conservatory this morning over my croissant I was taken with the range of gentleman's shorts were on display from so short and tight you would have to sing soprano, Lycra's that would not be out of place on the Tour de France, M&S finest tailored shorts and last but not least those as worn by Lofty on It ain't half hot Mum, almost as big as the person wearing them, big enough to have a folding bicycle in the pocket and bell tent in the other pocket and they are fitted out with guttering in case of rain. They should be listed as National Monuments. In many cases these sartorial statements of elegance are enhanced by devastating foot apparel, knee length black socks with trainers, argyle socks with open toe sandals and my own personal favourites so far, white tennis socks with a pair of zip up Chelsea boots. We are still two days from Antigua I am hoping that when we hit land that I might spot a Pith Helmet.