Update

Have managed to sort out the colour of the text and added a few photos.

Hope you have enjoyed the blog, hopefully catch up with you all for the next leg in January.

Time to go

Now the end is near and it's time to reflect on the adventures of the last 12 days, first question to ask is do I like Britannia and would I come on her again? The truth is I don't know some aspects such as the single balcony cabins are great but some aspects such as layout and accessibility and sheer numbers work against her in my opinion. If a cruise came up at the right price and right destinations then I think I would be back again. One of the highlights of the trip for me was last evening sat on my balcony catching the last rays of the day when the ship was joined by a pod of 40~50 dolphins jumping and leaping in the surf put up by the ship, they put on a personal show for a full ten minutes, unforgettable and magical, the only way to see a dolphin show. There have been some real characters amongst the passengers and crew, all shapes and sizes and ages, cruising is a great equaliser, you can always meet someone interesting, like my two Brizzle Ladies, the Ladies from Devon who chatted about Tragoe Mills at Newton Abbot the reverse is also true like the professional Yorkshireman I met and excused myself from very quickly, when my whippet was on fire and needed feeding with Tripe. In short cruising is a bit like musical chairs sometimes you are lucky other time no chair so move on. As with all cruises the staff are the unsung heroes who help you to have such a good time, with very little reward and in some cases thanks, to you all thank you. In the next few days I will put up some photos when I have a fast internet connection and change the type colour which has been caused by technical problems. I hope you have enjoyed this dross I have been churning out, see you again in January for the next adventure.

Back home early morning Southampton

One last Sunset

Gib

Our final port of call today, Gibraltar, initially some bright spark had this earmarked for tender transfers, thankfully this got changed and the said bright spark who planned it has been promoted sideways. The only problem now is the visit has been cut back and is now from 9am to 1pm we have the outer most berth and two other ships are berthed at the same time. An awful lot of people trying to get through customs, get taxis or walk the mile or so into town, once you are there an hour to look around then head back to the boat, some would argue that an hour is more than enough to look around Gib, some would go further and say an hour is too much. I decided not to be part of the cavalry charge and save it and make it a worthwhile visit in the future. I have had a good nose around the ship especially the upper decks were the promenade deck is, deck 17 on this ship on most ships deck 7 is the prom deck, so for the quoit fans (Malcolm) this is were it all happens not over generous with space but not a lot of trouble with crowds invading the pitch. We tower over the Costa Romantica berthed next door,which gives you a true perspective of how big Britannia really is. We also have a grandstand view of the airport and runway which has a main road running across it, the traffic lights turn red when an aircraft is about to land or take off. Hope nobody is colour blind. Just had a sit down for a diet Pepsi by the grab and go fast food outlet, which could have the alternative title of, let yourself go,  just watched a chap have three large bottles of beer served at his table then went and got three Big Mac type burgers, 4 dishes of fries and 6 pieces of Southern Fried chicken for his family, wrong it was a snackette for himself, Sumo wrestler in training and they call this place the Rock.

Gib with the other ships in

Valencia

The best laid plans of mice and men, as the saying from the Robbie Burns poem goes. Valencia the port we stopped at today was one of the few destinations I had pre planned for. I had purchased online tickets from an excellent company called Viator.com purchased my ticket for the Hop on Hop off bus and included with it a ticket to the fabulous walk through Aquarium, having checked all my timings and dates I made the purchase from the comfort of my own home. Having caught the shuttle from the port where we had docked to the City centre and got there on the first bus at 9.30am ready to pick up my connection. I noticed lots of banners and cones about, and a distinct lack of traffic, spotting an Officer of the Guardia Civil we started to have a broken Spanish/English conversation about were does the HoHo bus go from,eventually I twigged that today it is not going, the whole centre is closed to traffic, today is the day of the bicycle!!!! Only cycles allowed in the centre today and as if on cue a phalanx of bikes of all types came down the road as far as the eye could see, with young and old riders,tandems, penny farthings,choppers,lay down bikes, bikes with trailers, bikes by the thousands, and an hour later still they came ringing bells and honking horns, Kings of the Highways for the day, woe betide anything that got in their way, they were even accompanied by Police on Segway's, and this scuppered any plans I had for Valencia. A good excuse to come back to this beautiful city again. Do you believe in coincidence? When I got back to the ship hot, frustrated and annoyed, wishing punctures on cyclists in general I sat down in the Atrium and ordered a Diet Coke, when a camera crew started to assemble to do some filming off ship, a blonde haired lady joined them, the star of the shoot, one Jenni Eclair who I had mentioned in my earlier piece, so it might not have been a look a like I spotted but the real deal. By the way I have not spotted Rob Brydon yet.

The beauty of Valencia from my Balcony

Bloody Cyclists

Cartahagna at its best

Another Saturday Night

Today we are in transit from Cadiz to Valencia  so it has been a lazy day at sea. You are able to indulge in all manner of activities during the day ranging from an audience with Marco Pierre White a lecture on an unsolved murder, a talk about being catering manager for the Queen. Other things you could participate in were talks about avoiding water retention, opals in jewellery, joining a onboard choir, learn line dancing a talk about cheese and wine and tonight is a black tie evening so formal portraits and a black tie ball. So armed with a skinny latte in Cost I run an eye over the runners and riders in the Black Tie and Florence & Fred stakes, one of the first things I have noticed is how many Miranda Hart look-a-likes there are on board followed by several Jenny Eclair doubles (Blonde female Comedienne) among the Men there are several Jason Mamfords a brilliant Charlie Daniels, with shoulder length hair women would kill for. There is also a healthy contingent of the Black Watch complete with sporrans and skiendoes.  For many these evenings are the highlight of the cruise a chance to get dolled up give that special dress an airing, till you find that bitch on the next table is wearing something almost identical "but you carry it off far better darling" to raid the jewellery box and 4 inch heels, in short the best cabaret in town, long may it continue.

Just love watching Sunsets at Sea

Lisbon via the West Country

Arcadia was also in port

Weather has improved the sun is out and we have just docked right in the centre of Lisbon. I decided after a leisurely breakfast to tour the city on a hop on hop off bus. Everyone charged for upstairs so downstairs in in the shade it was for me, I was joined by a couple of sisters from Brizzle and who were on their first cruise, they found it amusing that in there 70s they were cruise virgins. After eventually sorting out the headphones and the right channel for the English commentary off we went around one of the nicest cities in Europe (In my opinion) after passing many statues of geezers on horses and plenty of beautifully laid out parks and tree lined Boulevards they thought it was "quite nice and colourful" quite different from Kingswood. Malcolm will be pleased to know they are Gad supporters. It was quite amusing watching Brits cross roads and taking there lives in there hands by looking the wrong way when crossing the road and insisting it was the foreigners fault for driving on the wrong side of the road (obviously UKIP supporters) After our three hour trip around Lisbon and being informed of the great catastrophes of the earthquakes that have devastated the capital and caused it to be rebuilt several times, they quite seriously informed me with no malice and in all sincerity that they don't think Brizzle has ever had an earthquake. Time to get off and back on board unfortunately one of the Sisters is more bumble footed than me and used a stick, as it was quite a walk back from the bus stop to the cruise terminal I walked with them over the cobble stones, can I hang on to your arm young man (the blind leading the blind) so we waddled back at a very leisurely pace during which I found out about working for WD&HO Wills holidays in Tunisia and many other little nuggets, thanks for making it a trip to Lisbon I won't forget in a hurry Ladies, in a good way. Brits at their best the masters of understatement. 

Henry the Navigator Monument

Lisbon

Britannia so far.

So I have had a few days to find my way around Britannia and I am still undecided how I feel about the latest addition to the P&O stable. My cabin with balcony on the 16th deck is really nice, massive wall mounted flat screen TV with loads of choice in programming. The powers that be have not been slow with the chance to make money on secondary spend by charging for some of the premium films. The bathrooms with shower enclosures are great and roomy. One thing I kept hearing was how small the balconies are, unless you are putting on a cabaret I think they are more than adequate, the only downside I can see is the balcony rail has been raised for obvious safety reasons and is in the eye line when sat. I would also say if you have not got a head for heights avoid cabins on the upper decks they are a long way up or down whichever way you look at it. The sound proofing has improved greatly, above my cabin is open deck and I have not heard a thing. It is noticeable in the dining areas that less staff are covering a lot more passengers and no specialist wine waiters. In the self service dinning area they have installed automated wine and beer dispensers, I kid you not, you swipe your cruise card and your appropriate choice gets charged to your cruise account. The set up for the buffet dining is very good the layout is excellent the serving islands are able to open and close independently so there is always plenty of choice along with plenty of seating. Another innovation is serving tea and coffee at your table, the menus are varied and imaginative everyone should be able to find something to suit. This is only a cursory over view there are also negatives, you always seem to have to wait a long time for lifts to arrive, on many decks there are no direct routes between venues on the same deck, which can be very annoying. In places it seems that there is an awful lot of wasted space. On this cruise ports stops have been daily so the fight for sunbathing space has not been too bad but on a Caribbean jaunt I could see this being a major problem, also on sea days. As you might have guessed from my observations it reinforces Britannia's image of being a  marmite ship. More to come on other aspects of life onboard.

Self Service Booze

Lisbon from my Balcony

Raindrops

The rain in Spain is most definitely not falling on the plain, it would appear to be dumping it on Vigo with a vengeance. After another tumultuous night transit around Cape Finistare where the winds reached Force 9, I am reassured this was not as a result of the Indian Buffet but the tail end of a tropical storm. So we got into port an hour later than scheduled which threw the OCD passengers into complete disarray. So after a leisurely breakfast I positioned myself in Costa (skinny latte Lisa) to do some serious people watching, now remember it is tipping it down, misty and the temperature has dropped quicker than the Greek Economy, the Brits abroad will still dress as if it is 90 in the shade, so there is a fine display of Bermuda Shirts, shorts of every type and length imaginable, one pair that are little more than a posing pouch to others that resemble de-mob shorts from 1945, the one common factor is they all have a fine display of goose bumps and in many cases accompanied by varicose veins looking like maps of the London Underground (and that's the women). Socks with sandals and trainers are on display everywhere, nothing says Brit on holiday more, it has become the quintessential sign of Britishness more so than the bowler hat or the pin striped suit. We have just had an announcement that the emergency power system is about to be tested and please do not use the lifts for the next half hour, now if I were a betting man what odds do you think I could get. Got the mobile got the number for Bet Fred, talk later peeps.

The central Atrium

A clean getaway. Almost

When I arrived at Southampton Cruise Terminal at my new system allotted time of 4pm I expected to breeze in and be whisked aboard using my priority boarding for the first time. Wrong the departure area was clock full of people not a seat to be had and nobody getting on board. What happened was because the sea was choppy and the Britannia so big it was moving on its berth and the method of boarding a mobile air bridge is designed to disconnect if it senses any movement for safety purposes, which meant nobody was going anywhere in a hurry and still the people came at the new improved boarding times to prevent congestion, I believe that is called irony. After getting on board and locating my cabin on the 16th deck, the next challenge was trying to find your way around this gargantuan, if it happened this is what Jonah must of felt like when swallowed by the whale. I was in good company as bands of lost souls were wandering around clutching there little folding deck plans designed for those with super eyesight, I don't know about these schematics we needed Sat Nav systems, belay that it would give P&O another opportunity to charge for something on their all inclusive cruises. Having navigated my way to the Crows Nest bar (I was looking for an outside deck) I thought it would be rude to pass straight through, so after having a look at the bewildering array of drinks on offer, I must add almost impossible to read from the menu in the atmospheric lighting (dingy) I plumped for a G&T my first alcoholic drink for 9 months, in a moment of weakness the barman persuaded me to try a new line they had called the "Perfect Gin & Tonic" which I did and it was not bad, that was until I got the bill £7.50, who was that perfect for? Diet Coke from this point forward. It did come in a nice glass I should of done a Janet. After a good nights sleep rock and rolling over the Bay of Biscay (5 metre sea swell) I am sure I will not be such in such an Old Fart mode.

Barb's at the Seaside

Where to start, so much ammunition. Most important first Barbs sunflower went overboard as we sailed down the Solent just as the sun was setting and a gale blowing, seemed appropriate somehow. My first mission was to find a deck that was open to the public on this aircraft carrier posing as an Ocean Liner, having done this I canceled my first opportunity as we were opposite Crawley Oil refinery and Barbs would never have forgiven me consigning the sunflower in her memory next to the 4 star. So I waited a while until we had passed Osbourne House another inappropriate place if you new her opinions on the monarchy. So Newport on the Isle of Wight it was, given its history with the world famous regatta and Barb's background working for Cornish Crabbers and Skiff racing it was just the right place to put her flower into the briney and give her the annual report.

New Adventure around the corner

Greetings everyone just getting my act together for my next jaunt on P&Os latest ship Britannia

Judging by the various groups on the Internet she certainly divides opinion, very much a Marmite ship. Hopefully I will give you my opinion for what it is worth, meanwhile time to dust off the suitcase and play PMT (Passport, Money,Tickets) then join Britannia as requested at 4-30 on the 14th September.

 I will do my best to keep you amused and informed

Photo's Added

Just a quickie, I have added a few photo's for your amusement.

Farewell

Well here tis, the last blog entry for my latest sojourn. Many will breathe a sigh of relief, I just hope I might have raised a few smiles, recounting some of the sights I have come across. When I get home I will upload some images to back up some of the tales, such as the Duke of Edinburgh look a like, Royston Vasey (Roy Chubby Brown) travelling low profile, Brit socks on holiday to mention a few. I am left with a few conundrums, what is in the Sainsbury carrier bag that the chap carries with him everywhere? Why do Costa Coffee serve drinks in long cups but only give you short spoons that don't reach the bottom resulting in burnt fingers. Why are people who work in art galleries short and pictures are always hung up high? Why are all the life rafts on board "On Hire" and have a best before date? Why is it not shocking to meet a member of the photography team at 11pm walking down a passageway with a Oceana lifebuoy around her neck assuring you it is only a prop and there is no problem. Why has the "Whitewall Gallery" got brown walls? Will the DFS sale ever end?

It's been another enjoyable journey with loads of laughs made all the more enjoyable by all the hard work of all the staff on board who work such long hours but always have a smile on their face. My travelling companions have also help make this a journey to remember so a big thank you to Janet and Malcolm for their friendship on the journey and may we all travel together again. So until the next blog in September, Bon Voyage.   

On Hire !!!!

 Roy "Chubby" Brown

The Web it weaves

Just a quick little observation, which shows what a small world we live in or is it a global village in which we are all connected by the wonder or curse of the Internet? Here I am wallowing along  in the good ship Oceana thousands of miles from land yet I have by means of the Internet been able to arrange to have my fridge/freezer repaired on the afternoon of the day I get home and have purchased a new monitor for my pc from Amazon which is being delivered as I type this piece. I find that amazing or is it just common place and should be taken for granted?

Tittle Tattle

Today I reflect on the gossip, news and overheard conversations. I start with the amusing tale of the disappearing cardigan (cue dramatic music). A lady at our dinning table was at choir practice and feeling a bit warm during her singing efforts took off her purple cardigan/shawl and draped it over the back of a chair and completed her practice along with another hundred or so souls who were giving it "welly" with varying degrees of success. After realising she had left the "cardi" behind she went back and could not find it, then she went to reception to see if it had been handed in, no joy, so that's it gone never to be seen again. Fast forward to a show in the Theatre and having a look round to see who is around, you guessed it, there in the front row draped around a ladies shoulder was a purple cardigan/shawl. Now here lies the dilemma what do you do next, how exclusive is its colour-design, in her case she did nothing, what would you have done. Here is one for the Hydrotherapy Pool staff, elderly lady quite happily walking along decided to go for a swim, several people where already in the pool, when the last person got out a foreign object was spotted on the bottom of the pool (Jan remember the Mars bar and the WI) Much panic ensued, threats of suing P&O, making someone walk the plank, staff had to empty the pool and do all the usual stuff, and a little old lady shuffled off with a knowing smile on her face. Please don't take the next little piece wrong, onboard there are quite a few gay couples who are flamboyant in the extreme, it must be annoying at times when you just want to sit quietly but you become a "Fag Hag Magnet" at breakfast this morning these guys must of taken very near an hour to eat their meal as they were constantly interrupted by Ladies of a certain age swopping numbers and emails with invitations "come and stay the weekend " I am not sure by the end of my meal that I would of been so charming, courteous and attentive as these guys.

Malcolm doing vital last minute shopping

Charlwood the Flu Years

Judging by the flood of emails( 1, thanks Bett & George)  some have missed my outpourings from the cruise front, unfortunately I have been struck low by a combination of Flu/Cold, Black Death and Trench Foot. Everything was going well until that fateful evening at dinner when one of our party did not come to dinner after "being ill" for the past 24 hours, let's call these fellow diners, Mary, Mungo & Midge (To protect the guilty) over the few days despite still feeling ill M, M & M continued to dine with us at the table, it only became a question of time before the next pin fell, and it was yours truly. I handled things slightly differently and stayed away for three days and stayed in my cabin so as not to pass It on, which has seemed to work. So I report secondhand some of the events during my period of seclusion, Malcolm (Scoop) managed to blag his way into the Dominica National Cricket ground and had a tour around the Stadium, he is building up an impressive list of Caribbean grounds visited. Janet has carried out several unaided retail duty free missions, obtaining the required items off her lists, including vanilla pods in Grenada. We are now on the return leg of our journey home, and to celebrate my exit from my self imposed isolation we had dinner at the open air dinning venue "The Horizon", kindly arranged by our social secretary Janet, the meal was excellent, the company first class and the conversation just what was needed after days of looking at the ceiling and at the porthole (Once again for the benefit of my big sister, you cannot open the window for fresh air).

 Tied up in Dominica

 Dominica National Stadium

 All these photos courtesy of "Scoop" Tucker

Barbs

16th January 2015:

Tonight at one am I will cast a single Sunflower overboard to remember Barbs birthday, although she left us four years ago, it seems like only yesterday and I love her as much now as I did then. 
True love stories never die.

Timber

If you have had reports of a mini earthquake from the International Seismic institute centred on the Caribbean and Antigua in particular don't worry dear readers it was only Charlwood going ass over apex. What happened was, after venturing into St Johns and dodging some very heavy showers (ruining the plans for a beach day) we even took shelter inside a row of phone boxes, I managed to miss judge the height of a kerb on a crossroad intersection and went sprawling onto a wet pavement managing to get my hands out to lessen the impact, the only damage was my pride, a filthy T shirt ( the second of the day after having a yolk spillage at breakfast) a grazed kneecap and scaring the life out of Janet who was with me during this retail expedition. Locals came rushing from all angles to give assistance and view the beached White Whale in their High Street. After getting up and assuring the gathered audience I was ok we adjourned to a bar for rest and recuperation and inspect the damage.

Today we have arrived at St Kitts where the weather pattern has been repeated, wet morning, clearing up at around noon, leaving a sunny afternoon. St Kitts is famous for its very scenic narrow gauge railway that was once used to haul sugar cane but has now got double decker carriages taking cruise passengers around the island whilst sipping rum punch. Today it was more like Network rail, with coach loads of passengers turning up from the ships in port only to be told the train had broken down and will not be running today (at least it was not leaves on the track), that's an awful lot of £65 rebates that have to be dished out and a shed load of unhappy punters. Having watched Sky news this evening it's happened again snow in the UK as soon as I leave the country in January, sorry everyone I don't do it on purpose.

Azura in Antigua same day as Oceana

Azura Leaving

Antigua Sailaway Paul & Janet

Little & Large

Fashion but not. As we know it.

One day to go before landfall, and it's starting to warm up, today its presently 25c and getting warmer, the fight for tanning space is on and the display of elderly brown bodies is impressive, ranging from pure white to Chesterfield Brown and a Brown beyond that which I would describe as Mahogany, the paradox is that having overheard several conversations of the basking assembled the majority vote UKIP, is that irony? I have spotted a first today, shorts with braces, this could start a whole new trend, this fine example were hauled up so far they would almost pass for Hotpants, fashion faux pas or trendsetter ( more like Irish Setter). I have further evidence of inappropriate sock wearing with sandals, I will upload the images when I return home when I have a fast,free internet connection, all images have been shot from the knees downward to protect the guilty. The charges for Internet is one of my few complaints while cruising with P&O, for 240 minutes use I am charged £64 plus a £2.50 set up charge. Many systems on the ship rely on an 24 hour satellite Internet connection and I find the charges made scandalous bordering on Piracy at Sea.

I attended another fine lecture by Paul Stickler on the A6 murder involving James Hanratty, his lectures give you the facts presented without personal opinion leaving you to draw your own conclusions, this has led to many lively debates over dinner. Paul has produced a series of lectures that have been entertaining and thought provoking and well presented and very well supported daily.

Janet, Malcolm and myself had an excellent meal in Marco Pierre White's Cafe Jardin last evening which although you pay a nominal surcharge (£5.25) the food is exquisite, the service and attention to detail is second to none. In my case the excellent company and the conversation in such pleasant surroundings made it a meal to remember, thanks guys. Tomorrow we reach Antigua and the antics of myself and my fellow travellers as we invade the island will be reported on shortly.

Thoughts

From my vantage point of the Costa Coffee lounge on the 7th floor of the Atrium I can observe the comings and goings of my fellow passengers and the crew as they awake from there slumbers as they come alive after another restful night at sea on our trek Westward to the Caribbean. The open plan nature lets me see over 4 floors and watch the glass fronted elevators dash from floor to floor, carrying couples who to all appearances are sweetness and light, but the minute they are in the lift by themselves, there is much finger wagging and retreating to opposites sides  of the lift point proven, then exiting to become a loving. Couple once more. Some people wake up just in time to find a three seater settee, make camp spread themselves out so nobody else can sit down and promptly have a snooze. You can also see the Promenade deck with couples sedately getting the morning constitutional in before the loading up of Carbs, Protein and essential and non essential fats, only to be passed by the Power walkers dressed in all the latest designer sports gear, sweat bands on head and wrists, headphones probably blaring out "Eye of the Tiger" and the logo emblazoned on the T-shirt we stop for nobody, as one or two have found out, there goes the no claims bonus. The sock & sandal watch continues, this morning I spotted some humdingers, black knee length socks coupled with some demob shorts circa 1932 issue, tropical shorts, khaki for the use of, as the gentleman wearing them was not very tall, it just needed a pith helmet and he would of won the "Lofty" Don Estelle (It ain't half hot Mum) prize. I seriously doubt this attire will be beaten, but I live in hope. I am now off to the Historical Murder Presentation, The Rillington Place Murders, this takes place in the main theatre at 10am and unless you are there by 9-30 seats are at a premium, we are a blood thirsty lot. I must finish on a serious note, wherever you travel in our world you cannot have failed to have missed the News about the cowardly attacks in Paris and the fundamental attack on freedom of speech and expression, which is a basic right in a civilised world, those opposed to these principles take heed, you will never win.

                JES SUIS CHARLIE

The Gunslinger Bum Bag

Westward Ho via the Porthole

Having just set sail once again after leaving Ponta DelGado in the Azores astern, overseen by a variety of would be Nelson's, Hornblower RN's and Captain Pugwash's all adorned with Helly Hansen jackets and their brand new Christmas present Binoculars swinging from assorted necks at a jaunty nautical angle informing anyone who is willing to listen and be bored how they would handle the manoeuvre we set sail for Antigua. One of the assembled barroom Admirals took my attention in particular as he was the owner of a particularly badly fitting "Syrup" (Syrup of Fig = Wig) and as the ship came round into the wind his forelock started to flap in the breeze, he obviously had not used enough adhesive, it looked like a scene from a Morecombe and Wise Christmas Special, this is undoubtably the highlight of my cruise so far.

The sea has been flat calm much to many people's relief and the temperature has also picked up so the regular game of "musical sun loungers" has begun a practice well worth watching. We have been lucky to have a series of very interesting lectures on historical murders and criminals which have been really well attended, there has been murder at sea, murder on a train, the Kray dynasty and the murder of Lord Erroll in Kenya a member of the famous "Happy Valley Set" which the film White Mischief was based on, it took place in the 1940's and is so convoluted, who was doing what to who, drugs, alcohol and espionage, if you like a mystery please do research and read about, Paul Stickler gave a fascinating lecture as all of his talks have been. With reference to his first talk the Murder of Gay Gibson aboard a Union Castle ship whose body might of been shoved through a porthole, I think a few on board have been threatened with that fate when they have come back and found their precious sun lounger has been commandeered by an khaki short attired, argyle sock wearing, open toed sandal wearing individual, pick a porthole punk!! 

 

Paul Stickler

The beauty of Ponta DelGado

A good bit of parking

Westward Ho