So to England

So with Lisbon astern and slowly disappearing we begin the run for home. Although I have not spotted one itinerant syrup (wig) flapping in the breeze with a mind and parting of its own or recalcitrant dentures trying to make a bid for freedom after a coughing fit or the Holy Grail an abandoned artificial limb, it has been a fun cruise and I have met some interesting people with a similar sense of humour. I must mention especially first time cruisers mum and son Jean and Simon from Poole who I seem to run into for a final Latte in Costa and compare notes on the days experiences and talk about old British black and white films, they have been great company. The many smiling staff who make up the crew both seen and unseen and who help to make your cruise such a great experience, they are always smiling, happy and working, thanks for looking after us. I hope everyone digs deep and are generous to a fault when it comes to showing their thanks with the tips you leave behind, they deserve every penny and then some. So now the mind starts turning to home, what has the cat been up to, are there any of those horrible buff envelopes waiting for you. What has my flat/cat sitter had a run in with this time? Previously it has been a fridge-freezer, a washing machine, hope I am not tempting fate but there is only the cooker and dishwasher to go. My next cruise is not until September 2018 when with my Social Secretary,Janet, I head off to the States and Canada again, unless of course something I can't resist pops up in the meantime. My next big date is a week Friday for a cataract operation, so on that note I hope you have enjoyed my efforts and I will keep my eye out for you. Safe journeys wherever you may travel.

Tripping the light fantastic

Random thoughts as we spend a day at sea before we arrive in glorious Lisbon. Everyone  is a little subdued as this marks the start of the trek home and the sea is getting a little choppier and there are lots of first time cruisers of all ages. Some old hands have been regaling them with horror stories of previous crossings of the infamous Bay of Biscay and how they have crossed it barely surviving the experience. Rule of thumb if the sick bags start appearing in the stair wells, brace yourself. 

 Another Penguin suit night for all who wish to get decked out in all their finery, with the Ladies wearing the family jewels and a chance for the men to display their Scottish ancestry or Mess suits, and who is to deny them, for some people it is one of the main purposes of the cruise. I notice though that the numbers playing the game are steadily falling and the number of smart casuals in the non formal dinning areas increasing. At one time the number of people eating in the Buffett on formal evening was minute and you could pick any seat, now seating is at a premium, the times they are a changing and I must admit it was quite liberating not packing the Tux for this cruise but on a longer cruise I think it would have to come along for a reluctant airing. So as a compromise for tonight's bun fight I have come along to the Beach House which is right at the top of Ventura with great sea views it carries a £7.50 cover charge has waiter service and a pretty varied menu, plus the table is yours for the evening, it's relaxed laid back great staff and a great way to finish off a hard day at sea doing nothing. This will be followed by a late evening skinny latte in Costa for a bout of people watching, the best cabaret on the ship, watching couples in the Atrium putting their dancing class lessons or not into practice. Last night a lady made a stupendous entrance when she missed the last coming down the stairs entering the Atrium. The band stopped playing, the dance floor cleared and several people rushed forward to assist, she was shaken (I was going to slip in here that she won the prize for best Disco  Dancer of the Night) after a rest she was able to carry on with just her pride dented and a little black and blue around the edges. 

Ladies who Shop

While writing some earlier blog material and grabbing a coffee before going ashore I was privy to a conversation they were having planning their day, the Ladies were Glaswegian and from an area that some years ago was referred to as the Gorbals. My wife Barbs used to tell people although the family now are Cornish, her mother was born and drought up in the Gerbils. So eventually I tuned into the accent hen, today was going to be the highlight of the whole journey with a trip to the market. A lady in a wheelchair was going to be parked at a strategic point to act as keeper of the purchases allowing the rest of the crew to carry on shopping unencumbered. The consulted copious lists of what they had to get for Winnie, Marie and another that sounded like Tullah to my untutored ear. They were having as much fun planning this as someone who was going to visit an ancient ruin. But probably more gusto, laughter and glee. I left them laughing and cackling like the witches in Macbeth. It lifted my heart as I set off on my expedition to find some free wifi and a postcard, life in the fast lane.

Captains Revenge

Today we arrived in Northern Tenerife in Santa Cruz, weather can be a bit hit or miss on this side of the island, the coastline here is quite rough and rugged and quite like North Cornwall in places. It was noticeable shortly after we tied up all the mobile phones started giving off various ringtones, vibrations to alert you that you have received a text messages informing the throngs that whatever phone plan in terms of free minutes and free texts you have in the UK they applied here in Tenerife. That was all they was needed and phones became surgically attached to ears and hands, the participants came in all shapes and sizes and of all ages. Can you remember when nobody could get in contact with you for a fortnight and the joy or misery of getting home and catching up on all the news and gossip, seems like a life time ago. Am I being a hypocrite making that last statement as I write and publish this blog? We have had extra time in port today as we have a very short hop to the next island. People have taken advantage and travelled further a field and it's showing we were supposed to sail at 9-30 it's 10pm and we are still alongside and about a 100 passengers light, give an inch. I have also come across this small guy who seems to have a waistcoat for every occasion and intentionally as a result stands out and his hobby in life seems to be complaining, every time I see him he is bending someone's ear, the roughness of the towels, the lack of choice at the buffets, slowness of staff serving, how long it takes to get off the ship, how long it takes to get on the ship. It has been suggested in some quarters that when he was circumcised, the wrong bit got chucked away,I bet he is having a breakdown about the late sailing tonight. Mother Nature has exacted her revenge up to now all our journey has been like a mill pond, when we eventually cleared the harbour it started to cut up rough with bottles falling off tables at 3am and an all cabin announcement at 1am apologising for the loss of electrical power and normal service will be resumed ASAP, just what the nervous traveller needs to hear, Captains revenge is sweet.

The Red Arrows perhaps!

First port day and the age old cruise rituals begin. To compound the usual stampede for the gangway or as I refer to it"Dunkirk Mode" where you can observe first hand the survival of the fittest as much jostling, elbowing and jockeying for position as this is a mixed cruise you can also add in the odd knee capping with a pushchair. 

Luckily wheelchairs conventional and electric plus Zimmer frames have an exit off a lower deck with less incline, this does not stop the popping of the odd wheelie and one or two hitting the quayside at Lewis Hamilton type speed, while the person accompanying is trying manfully to keep up. One or two look in the need of a swift blast of oxygen or you see then furgling  around in bags for a green or blue inhaler. Welcome to Medira. To compound the queues even more that are formed waiting to get off 90 minutes after the gang plank went down, there is an emergency drill for the ships crew, who are fighting an imaginary fire on decks 7,6 & 5 which also corresponds with the decks that people are getting off and now the full emergency signal is going off,brewery, cock and up come to mind, and stoically  the Brits continue to queue. I met a charming Lady who is travelling with her husband she must be in her mid seventies and carries her own oxygen supply pump. One of the things that she had booked was a trip in one of famous toboggans that come careering down the hill side spewing sparks from the runners and the shoes that the guys steering wear, anyone spotting a problem here, she could end up coming down the hill .jet propelled doing a passable Red Arrows impersonation. 

So it begins

If anyone has followed any of my earlier blogs they will know there is a definite lack of affinity between myself and electronic key cards. On my last cruise over 28 days I managed to go through 7 of them.My own key card Albatross has moulted over the summer and grown new plumage and is circling over my cabin. Key cards dictate your life onboard, they define your very existence, without your card no drinks, internet time, you are a non person, you become like the Norwegian Blue in the Monty Python Sketch an ex parrot who has shuffled of its mortal coil, and not able to get back in your bloody cabin. So the ritual begins the trip to reception. "Good morning Sir, how can I help you?" My key card will not work it has become demagnetised. " Have you tried cleaning the strip then retrying it slowly?" Yes and it still did not work which is why I am here. "Has it been in contact with anything magnetic, like your phone or any other electronic device?" No, I always seem to have a problem with swipe cards de sensitising. " well in my experience it is most unusual sir" it is that unusual that it happened to me 7 times in 28 days on my last cruise. "Oh I see Sir, I see from my screen this is your second one in 4 days already" Yes that's what I have already told you, I am surprised your screens are still working with me stood so close to them. " I will go and make you another one, let's hope this one lasts a bit longer" Humpf I doubt it, thank you see you in a day or two. This script and scene will be repeated by Saturday, I will still be playing me, the role of receptionist will be played by another of the ensemble.  Still the Albatross circles. Takes key card in trembling hand inserts into lock, a green light comes on and I am back in my cabin. In the words of Frankenstein "It Lives" but the pessimist in me says for how long. Place your Bets.

Something stirring in the Kitchen

Would you like to cook with Marco Pierre White, have your picture taken with him, buy a copy of his latest book and get it autographed? All for the princely sum of £80, for two hours with the great man, three Masterclass sessions available during the cruise, the book costs extra, limited to 30 places per class. £7, 200 for 6 hours work, book sales not included, that's not a bad gig if you can get it. Just shows the power of the celebrity chef, don't get me wrong it will be a dream come true for some people a chance to meet, interact be taught by someone you admire. Not sure about Marco but if it had been James Martin or Gary Rhodes the first name on the list would of been my wife Barbs. On cruises now they are very often themed to tap into niche markets, there is a Strictly Come Dancing cruise a couple of times a year, hosted by Craig Revell Horwood and several of the dancers from the shows. Also Classic FM at sea cruises for the classical music buff, besides concerts they call into famous locations, such as Chopin 's house in Majorca. Then I started to think about other themed cruises we might like to see, the Pirates at sea cruise where you rape and pillage at every port you go to and have random cabin numbers drawn to walk the plank. A vote for least popular passengers who are then cast adrift in a life boat. Voyages of Discovery, looking for El Dorado, The fountain of eternal youth, Unicorns and the Phoenix and the end of the DFS sale. The Weight Watchers diet cruise involves a ship without an engine and very long oars, subsistence rations and water no shore leave price you pay for your cruise depends on weight loss. Come to think about it that all sounds like too much to do and think about, time to sit back sip a latte and watch the ocean slip by. Cheers.

Nora Batty's Legs

The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd.

For the first time on several cruises I went to the theatre on my first night on board, the reason for usually giving it a miss, it's been a long day and you are knackered, inevitably it is P&O's own theatre company "The Headliners" who have 5 or 6 stock standard shows that they preform with various degrees of success. This evening though they were the support act to Peter Howarth who has been the lead singer of the sixties/seventies band the Hollies, who I quite happen to like, and he did not let me down.The star of the show was one of the Headliners female dancers left leg. Now don't get me wrong I was not a letcherous old man, but this young lady had obviously sustained an injury while performing, with a strain or a pull of some nature. To get her through performances she wore a flesh coloured leg support stocking that had lost some of it's elasticity, so much so 15 seconds into the dance routine it started to develop wrinkles and bumps of most noticeable proportions, by the end of their opening two numbers it had taken on a life of its own, achieving Nora Batty status, was I the only one to notice? We're people to polite to mention? After the main acts finale, out came the group again to give us a high leg kicking finale, and I was not to be disappointed the itinerant flesh coloured leg support was back on stage  giving it some real welly and creating lumps and bumps the size of varicose veins. The star of the show. 

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Gotcha

Gotcha

P&O are getting crafty in there old age! After seven years of reasonably trouble free first day cruising they have devised a fool proof method of making sure you attend the safety talk and life jacket wearing demonstration. Some of us including Lord Radstock and Lady Hertfordshire have devised methods to avoid this practice. Now all passengers have to present their cruise card and have it scanned to prove attendance, failure means you have to attend a defaulters safety drill and go in the naughty book. The drill was worth attending not only for its importance in its own right but being able to observe so many diverse passengers in a confined space with ages going from 6 months to late nineties and all stops in-between. The first thing you can pick out is the rebellious, for an hour before tannoy is warning you of the drill and not to wear your life jacket until you are shown the correct methodology. So at least 50% of the assembled cast and extras of Titanic the remake turn up with them on and fastenings trailing on the floor. Some people trip on the offending trailing straps, other people tread on them having the effect of car seat belts in a crash, immediate stopping of forward momentum and in some cases immediate garrotting. For those who have cruised or of a nautical bent will know life jackets are fitted with a whistle and a flashing light, within seconds the room resembles an aviary that has been infiltrated by a fox, that combined with various hearing aids whistling away at an even higher pitch, this was accompanied by a flashing light show of white flashing fairy illumination (I have never understood how an aircraft at 10,000 feet is going to spot that) At this point it felt like you were attending a Rod Stewart concert and we were only seconds away from someone leading the massed throngs of the naughty in a rendition of "Sailing". Luckily sanity broke out when the person in charge called for order and the removal of life jackets, it was a good job you could hear him over the mutterings of the disgruntled, as I looked around and eventually located the owner of the voice, who was vertically challenged and looked like a test pilot for airfix. As the rest of the demo passed off fairly peacefully and needing minimal audience participation. On being dismissed one or two were unhappy we had not had the chance to get into lifeboats. So thanks P&O your need for health and safety coupled with compliance has given me an opening to the blog and some thoughts for more things to write about, I am currently investigating spot the person without the tattoo