The Lone Geriranger

Geiranger was our latest piece of eye candy, set in a National Park, valued by the nation for outstanding natural beauty and a United Nations recognised World Site and within seconds you can understand why, to say it is jaw dropping is an understatement. Unfortunately the internet onboard is so slow and expensive it would take too long and cost a fortune to upload the photographs and video I have taken, when I get home and have given my one pair of knickers and the pair of socks a wash I will upload the images for you to enjoy. The waterfalls alone are amazing especially the Seven Sisters that cascade down into the Fjord and immediately opposite is another larger fall that is nicknamed the big brother (far more interesting and intelligent than the TV programme) the sound of water thundering from height is like rolling thunder. Our Captain or as I refer to him as people get all reverential "The Bus Driver" spun the ship through 360 degrees so everyone could get a great view, this was accompanied by classical music being played through the ships PA system which added to the natural splendour. Even the village at the end of the Fjord is built around a cascade that tumbles down the folds it has cut over the centuries. I am sorry that there are not all that many funnies in this small piece but the subject and place demand the upmost respect, which you will be able to judge when the images are uploaded.

Big Brother

Seven Sisters

 Shows the size of the Fjord as a local ferry passes our ship.

A small Pianist

Dotted around the ship are several baby grand pianos at watering holes and the main atrium which at various times of day have their ivories tinkled by a 5ft 7in pianist straight out of a Grecian 2000 advertisement of European extraction. As he goes from venue to venue during the day and evenings he has a faithful set of groupies from the blue rinse brigade who follow and in some cases stalk him around his venues with steam coming from the zimmers and walking sticks, and woe betide you if you get in their way and spoil their view of the performance. During his more complicated pieces usually his variations on melodies from the shows as the performance reaches a faster tempo he subscribes to the Eric Morecombe school of playing "All the right notes but not necessarily in the right order" but should you let accuracy get in the way of a good performance especially if you receive a sitting ovation with much rattling of jewellery. Then the fight is on to send him a drink, usually a brandy and the ultimate prize for the maestro to acknowledge you and the ultimate orgasm to join you at your table and talk to you and your daughter who chaperones the event whilst suppressing her own wishes and protecting the family fortune otherwise known as her inheritance. I have just passed the maestro (off duty) escorting a lady who is a dead ringer for Dame Edna Everage but Dame Edna is a better mover and has better legs for a stroll around the deck between tinkerings pass me a brandy, they are arm in arm not for romantic purposes but to support her and keep her upright. The guy is a bit of a chancer but at least he has a constant stream of free brandy, dinner companions and he is doing his bit for Help the Aged. The Ladies have an interesting time with some great stories of their conquest when they get back to Clevedon and the Luncheon Club & Streadent Swopping parties..

Up the Pole

Today we are making our way to the Lofotten Islands which lay inside the Arctic Circle this gave me the idea of mounting an expedition to rival that of Robert Falcon Scott's heroic but flawed effort to reach the North Pole. The "Oceana" polar plod would triumph because one of Scott's flaws was to use ponies instead of Huskies like the successful Amundsen expedition, whilst watching people struggle around the ship last nigh during turbulent seas,I was struck how little difficulty motorised and push wheelchairs had, throw in the odd Zimmerman frame and I believe we have transport sorted. It would be necessary to locate some specialist tyre changers and puncture repair people who could double up as "Mushers" to keep individual drivers focused on the target. I believe we could secure enough supplies from the daily vast left overs from the Continental Buffett, need to work out the calorific value of Croissants. Specialist cold weather clothing could be obtained from the onboard P&O boutique which is carrying its latest Caribbean collection, which have a tog value of 14, the beach towels supplied could be crafted into snow shoes by the onboard craft classes, the material that the towels are made from is one of the hardest materials known and would be absolutely non slip. The library has a fine copy of the News of the World Atlas 1982 edition so that's navigation taken care of. There is a magician on board doing cabaret, I have not yet seen his show but if he is any good he must have some doves tucked away that we could use for communication or emergency food. I think I will make Andersons bar the expedition HQ where I can base myself as the intrepid explorers set off with the pre paid mobile with 50p credit left on it, it is better class than the Lords Tavern and they do serve draft Stella. I hope that this endeavour will succeed but prepare myself for a negative outcome and prepare to become a UKIP candidate at the next election. Nurse I'll have my medication now.

Alesund and the bed moved

Things that go bump in the night, well the overnight passage to our next port of call, Alesund, was anything but smooth sailing, the Captain with typical understatement said it might get a bit choppy over night, he was not joking, it was like the haunted house at the funfair. Not many people got a good nights sleep, heard one lady say she got thrown out of bed, couple of people had falls and ended up in sick bay. The bleary faces at breakfast bore testament to the overnight activity. The front that caused the weather has followed us and it is persistently coming down, I ventured along the jetty and into town and was wet through inside of 5 minute, where upon it started to get worse and the wind got up (weather type wind not personal) turning it to a veritable monsoon and bloody cold with it. I decided to do what any sensible person would do and forgo the mock gothic, neo classical and art nouveau architecture and make a tactical withdrawal back to the ship for a warm shower a change of clothes and a warm latte.

Fun in Phlegm

Well here we are in Flam or as one lady insisted on calling it Phlegm. The approach up the Fjord is spectacular it makes Cheddar Gorge look like a Lego kit, the tops of the Mountains/Hills have been bathed in low cloud all day and it reminds me of the scene in the excellent film "The Thirteenth Warrior" starring Antonio Banderas were they are defending a Viking Village and they see the Fire Worm come down the mountain for the first time, very atmospheric, see the movie a good watch. Flam itself is OCD heaven, a place for everything and everything in its place, not a bit of litter to be seen, even under the trees not a leaf on the ground, everything arranged parade ground perfect. No peeling paint, builders skips, scaffolding, immaculate flower beds. They even have there own Forrest Gump riding around on a little red lawn mower cutting the grass perfectly leaving Wembley type stripes behind. The railway station is just like Trumpton, not sure if the driver sings the song as he poodles along. Please don't get me wrong none of my comments are meant as criticisms it's all a pleasant surprise almost like being in a time warp of Britain in the 50's people here have civic pride, everywhere I have seen so far would win Best Kept Village and Britain in Bloom awards, the backdrops lend themselves to it as the sunlight falls across the slopes and lights up one of the many waterfalls that cascade down the mountainsides. The most important resource of all are the people who are charming, friendly, polite and welcoming and go out of their way to help. The sail away in the late afternoon sunlight down the 13 mile fjord is amazing with farms and houses perched precariously on the steep wooded hillsides, fishing villages with there houses painted all the colours of the rainbow if this is the first day I can't wait to see the rest of this country.

Flam Station & Village

 Approaching Flam

First Musings or Brits afloat

So it begins as we journey ever Northward towards the top of Norway with its name that are virtually unpronounceable and steeped in ancient myths and legends, the  bridge announcement breaks my train of thought by announcing our position in longitude and latitude with the little nugget thrown in that our nearest point of land is ....Great Yarmouth pop the bubble why don't you. As I look around my fellow travellers who extoll that one of the reasons for cruising is to get away from it all, then they proceed to queue at reception or the library to get a copy of the onboard newspaper which is printed every morning with UK, World news, sports results and most importantly the weather. This is all backed up with three news channels on cabin TV's also showing three premiere league matches, nothing like getting away from it! I have met my fellow diners I am on a table of six, the make up is four ladies and two blokes, I am the youngest, one lady has that low lad Scottish lilt of Miss Jean Brodie, the guy has seen it,done it got the T shirt, two professional Northeners and Gaynor who would not say boo to a. Goose. Fun times ahead, I think this could be work In progress but I enjoy a challenge, and that is not allowing for their opinion of me!!  I think I need to prick someone's balloon of pomposity, get someone out of their shell, merry if not pissed, the others I need to think about, suggestions dear reader?

 Early Morning

 North Sea Sunset

Off we go again or the Vikings are coming.

Hang on to your Trolls, Smurfs and other Scandinavian paraphernalia as I head out for another adventure to the land of the midnight sun, Norway and the Artic Circle. I opted to go in August as it tends to have very little Snow fall and ice, as my sister will confirm us Charlwood's don't do cold and we are stiff in the ass not very flexible and have a problem controlling our feet and balance in summer, we can fall over a matchstick at the drop of a hat. So the chances of not breaking multiple limbs in the depths of winter, is virtually zero. My sister went as far as enrolling in Pilates classes to help with balance, poise and core strength, then proceeded to have a tumble and broke/disclocated various limbs. I suggested that she asked for a refund and invest in bubble wrap.

Once again I am sailing on the wonderful Oriana and I hope to bring you the highlights and lowlights of my trip, and introduce you to my fellow passengers and all their foibles, mine also, as we wend our way up and down the fjord's of Norway making our way ever Northward. I am not sure of my history and if I am wrong I appologies but I am reminded of my Mum's favourite joke, when asked by the village chieftan why the guards did not raise the alarm when the Vikings came over the hill and approached the village they replied "When we saw then and their horns we didn't know wether to kill em or milk them". 

We come from simple country stock and were easily amused.

I can assure you it will go downhill from here.