Man the Lifeboats

As we leave our last Caribbean island behind us, and start our long trek home, it seems a good time to reflect on some of the "characters" and events that have come into my orbit. The first and most importantly was the celebration of Brenda's second birthday, after we discovered we had missed her official birthday at the start of the cruise. We thought if the Queen can have two birthdays, so can Brenda. So we spent a very convivial evening at Marco Pierre White's Cafe Jardin, it must be placed on record for the first time on this cruise Hilary did not finish all courses served to her, I am led to believe this is as rare an event as the siting of Halley's Comet. We also entered the area of procrastination when she was presented with the choice of three mini desserts, let's put it like this we were the last customers to leave. In all seriousness a smashing evening was had by all, great conversation, great food and most importantly great company. Right now for the fun bit, "characters" , I have discovered "The Lady in Yellow" with the bri-nylon wig has a cabin on my deck or was paying a "pastoral" visit to one of her flock, I have now started locking my cabin door at night and hanging a few cloves of garlic from the light fitting as a back up. I also keep getting sittings of ultra tight short shorts man (this is not a mistake they are so short they must be cutting his throat) they tend to be very brightly coloured, he also sports a greasy mullet. When I was ashore he was sitting in a couple of bars I went into (to get out of the sun) sat on a bar stool with his back to the wall, so he could survey the whole room, with his legs akimbo leaving very little to the imagination, you just hope he has pants on or there is a liner ( no not the QE2 Hilary). I have not been able to determine which side he bats for! From several conversations I have had both sexes find him quite unnerving. We also keep running into and hearing a lady who we unfortunately got lumbered with a dinner one evening,when asked what job she had done before retiring, she informed us she was an educationalist, it went downhill from there especially when I said "Oh a Teacher" if looks could kill. Then the one child on board got mentioned, which she thought was awful,she should be in school. At this point Brenda was getting angrier by the second and pointed out the many reasons she might legitimately be on here. Her poor husband (a birdwatcher, anything to get away) was shrinking by the second and seemed such a nice chap. When seen processing around the ship as a couple they practice the reverse Islamic method, he follows ten paces behind in silence. When talking to people she tends to address you like a public meeting. Another dinner companion, who so far is the star in my eyes, after asking us all where we came from, checking out our breeding and bloodlines. At this point I always slip in that I was born and educated in Marlborough, which always confuses them (good old secondary modern) Her husband an ex military officer just observed the whole event and when he spoke it was so quiet you could not hear a word he said, you just hope you said yes and no in the right place. Mrs Bucket ( pronounced Bouquet )as we later christened her then started to tell us and the whole dinning room her claims to fame and notoriety, buckle up. As chairperson of the ******** and District Bowls Club, sub committee Summer Barbecue Committee the whole responsibility of this prestigious events falls on her elegant shoulders,singlehanded she produces several different types of exquisite salad dressings also her world famous Tiramisu that people fight over darling, and you better believe it no less than six meats are on offer (this part of the speech was delivered with all the venom, verve and belief of Hitler at the Nuremberg rallies, hell I was that fired up with barbecue zeal I wanted to invade Poland for the Coleslaw) Now the the knockout blow this epicurean delight was all delivered at £6 per head, cue background music of Land of Hope and Glory. Looking at the faces and expressions on the faces of Malcolm , Brenda and Hilary was priceless. Personally I was having a Tortola catheter moment. People, don't you just love them. I just had a terrible thought enter my warped mind, imaging hitting the proverbial iceberg and ending up in a lifeboat with them!!!! 

Perfection

it's quicker by Tube

If I said to you Tortola what would be the first thing that sprang to your mind? Maybe white sands, palm trees or rum punch, for me it is catheters, you may well ask what has happened to his warped mind, has he had too much sun? Let me explain, after wandering around the streets of this friendly little island, where motorists stop and let pedestrians cross the road the minute you step foot on the Tarmac not just pedestrian crossings, instead of aiming for you. Where people genuinely smile at you and have a chat, I found my way to Pussers Rum Outpost, a name that will be remembered by anyone that has served in the Royal Navy. I entered for some free Wifi and an ice cold beer. As I settled down to quaff my libation my attention was drawn to a 50 inch TV on the wall, that was airing the Weather Channel on came the adverts the usual run of the mill type, then came a slick all singing and dancing ad that had flashing lights, rockets, booming voice over, it had grabbed my attention, waiting for the punch line it had me hooked, what could it be selling? Then a young lady with a winning flashing smile presented a Dinky little case to camera offering a lubricated, discreet ladies catheter quickly followed by the larger gentlemen's equivalent. Then followed two minutes of every self fitting catheter you could imagine some of the male silicone versions brought tears to my eyes,followed by much leg crossing, looking around the bar I was not alone. There was also a mass exodus of both sexes to the toilets, has commercial TV missed an opportunity, if you will excuse the pun, there is a whole untapped market out there. On my way back to the sorry for the inconvenience partially finished cruise terminal in the governmental area of town I walked down Administration street and The Noel Lloyd Positive Action Movement Park which sounded a lot of fun. Outside the Administration Building for the Island, a brand new and imposing building that would not be out of place in the "First World" I saw a mother hen and her three chicks wandering about scratching around and feeding, which just about sums up this lovely island. Now after four cold bottles of beer and no handy loos, I am starting to appreciate the convenience of self catheratisation.

Pussers Outpost Tortola

The Park

Government House a fowl place

Beautiful Tortola

Charity begins at Sea

P&O have for the past few years supported MacMillan Cancer Support, and to date have raised over One Million pounds for them. It is a charity that is close to my heart, the support and help we received during Barbs long, brave fight with breast cancer along with our local Prospect Hospice made so much difference. On every cruise there are events held, coffee mornings, raffles etc. This cruise was slightly different as they organised a half marathon at sea, which people were invited to join in, along with crew, from ships officers, entertainment staff, waiting staff, chefs, engineers and passengers all got involved. They had to complete 42 laps of the promenade deck and were cheered on by fellow passengers. The event raised £1,349.06 a fantastic effort and all for a great cause.

A great effort by everyone involved

Jammin in Jamaica

BWe have arrived in Montego Bay, Jamaica the Captain parked the ship very nicely alongside the dock on this beautiful island next door to the building site and "The Best Dressed Chicken" factory (The Jamaican equivalent of KFC) luckily the processing, dressing takes place elsewhere, just distribution here. In the mean time Hilary & Brenda have had another incident with a phantom alarm sounding at 2.30am, one heard it and got up and started making coffee the other didn't, UN peacekeepers have been informed. On a personal note as many of you know I suffer from a gammy ankle caused by shrapnel from an old war wound that I don't like to talk about (A lie, it's osteoarthritis from previous broken legs). After my early morning shower I contrived to kick the leg of the chair with my good foot, and proceeded to do my Michael Flattley nude Riverdance impression (your are dead right dear reader, not a pretty sight) within minutes it started to swell and discolour ( no madam the toe). Have you ever tried to do a double limp without the aid of crutches. It looks like someone who has had long term constipation and the senna pods have suddenly kicked in without warning. Being a brave soldier I have carried on, but even slower than usual with tortoises overtaking me. As I have already lowered the tone of this piece I shall take it further down the slope. Tied up on the same dock is the ship Thompson Dream, those who have served on her say being an ex Soviet Cruise ship and quite old it suffers from a few leaks and is affectionately called the Wet Dream by the crew. Last night in the Footlights Theatre we had a 60s revival show with a four piece group called "Revolver" they managed to produce wall to wall nostalgia, you knew every song and every word, everyone came out with smiles on their faces. 

Colouring In

Crafty Invention or Pratt attack?

Sea days

 

 

Cozumel

 

 Both sides of Montego Bay

Spot the Kiddywink

When is a family ship not a family ship? When there is only one child onboard, yes that's right one child and three dedicated members of the children's team to look after her for 37 days. Yesterday was a sea day and I saw a most surreal scene of a children's treasure hunt with one participant clipboard in hand being trailed by her three minders. I wonder how the hide and seek is going to work out?  She could end up allergic to face paint if they go through the full range. We have gone through a succession of time changes since leaving the UK, we are now minus 6 hours GMT, to most people this is not a problem. Hilary on the other hand has had the slight hiccup, for example the Transit of the Panama Canal started at around 6.45, which was also sunrise, somehow she managed to set it for 5am, much to cabin mate Brenda's consternation. Although her time keeping is getting better, we still have to factor in a possible 5-10 minute delay for our schedules meet up for our evening meal, thanks to the Queen of Procrastination, who is also single handedly, keeping the hairdressing salon onboard busy, since setting out we are up to appointment number five and still counting. Today we have reached Honduras Bay Islands and the port Roatan Island, spread around the. Island are 6 cruise ships,we are sharing a berth with Costa ship and predominantly Italian cruisers at the manmade resort of Mahogany Bay, which has all the usual high end shops you would expect and a manmade beach which you can walk too, but unusually you can also get to by a chair lift as you see in ski resorts, I see some potential here for a bit of devilment here as a revenge for bad timekeeping. I overheard one old sweat telling anyone who would listen that if there were to many Italians on the beach and you wanted some room, just shout "Anzio" (Sorry Alberto).

Cable car to the beach

Retail therapy with a touch of Procrastination

The band played on

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Mahogany Beach

Diving Lessons on the wreck

The man made shopping complex

Panama Transit

Today was the highlight of the cruise a partial transit of the Panama Canal and it has certainly lived up to its billing. It started with a 6am alarm call followed by finding your position to take in the sights and sounds of this 2.5 hour journey through the three locks we needed to go through to get to Gatun Lake where people on various tours were tendered ashore. One of the first things to strike you was how green and lush the surrounding areas were, with forest as far as the eye could see, coming right down to the side of the canal, with frigate birds soaring overhead, accompanied by Pelicans fishing and swallows gathering up insect life close to the waters surface. The odd alligator was also sighted in the water margins. We have been told that we have been very lucky with the weather as lots of rain then sunshine is the usual order of the day, which explains the verdant surroundings, as the sun came up and burnt off what little cloud was in the sky, the temperatures started to climb and could lull you into a false sense of security with a gentle breeze off the water. I am sure there will  be a few cases of sunburn/dehydration later as the temperature climbed to the mid 80s (sorry for mentioning this back home). From the upper decks you were able to see for miles. As there was going to be a rugby style clamber for vantage points on the sharp end, I decided to make camp in the blunt end or stern as the nautical types like to call it. With out previously arranging it I had the good luck to meet up with Malcolm who had the same idea, and spent a most pleasant morning in one another's company, marvelling at this modern wonder of the engineering world. Watching the skill of the mule drivers ( a small towing train) keeping and positioning the ship correctly with only inches to spare either side. If you were foolhardy enough you could put your hand out on the lower decks and touch the side of the lock, so tight are the margins in fitting the ship in. When I get back to the UK I will post a load of pictures from the canal when I can access a fast internet connection. The ships internet is so slow it would take weeks to upload just one photo and use up all my time. I would like to thank Malcolm for his company and making this transit special.

Ships waiting to transit the Canal

Entering the first lock

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New road bridge being built to cross the Canal

Admiral Horatio Tucker

4 inches either side of the ship to spare. A marvel of engineering.

The Peril of Yellow

An update on the "Lady in Yellow" situation, after a couple of days of appearing with Perma Tan man hand in hand like loves young dream and being dressed for a remake of Saturday Night Fever with the gentleman all in white including white shoes open neck shirt and medallion on a gold chain strong enough to tow a broken down Rolls Royce and parading up and down the staircases in the Atrium as if it was the catwalk at a Paris fashion show, the first cracks of disharmony have started to show. This came in the shape of a very public stand up row while waiting for a lift, I think alcohol was a contributing factor, or the rate that the Ladies bar bill was increasing, while the gentleman's remained static. As they say in the newspaper trade this story still has legs. As today is a "sea day" on our way to the Panama Canal, I have attended a lecture about "Pirates" of the real variety not the Johnny Depp ilk. Followed by a classical concert this afternoon then a high tea, which still being good I shall pass on and have a couple of pieces of fruit. As the temperature climbs I have succumbed and the legs are on display, I am glad to say that mine fit relatively well, unlike some male and female short wearers who seem to be having to be permanently adjusting their gussets or something that is located in that general area, I find this very off putting while adjustments are being made in mid conversation, no matter how much you try to avoid it the eyes automatically look in that region as if by magnetism, very off putting when discussing pirates and the torture with crabs!!!!!

Should of been a PI

Aruba

Today we arrived in Aruba part of the "A,B,C" islands which were once part of the Dutch Antilles, the answer to the quiz question A,B,C is a=Aruba, b=Bonaire and c=Curaçao. Because of its Dutch origins it feels quite different to the rest of the Caribbean in culture and landscape, it is very popular with Americans and a walk around the capital Oranjestad proves that very quickly, with Wendy's, Taco Bell and large shopping Malls and Chevrolet and Mack lorries on the road, they also try and ambush you by driving on the wrong side of the road. The weather today has been very changeable, sunny one minute raining the next, but at least the rain is warm. I bumped into my travelling companions whilst mooching around town, very British in the extreme armed with umbrellas in Hilary's case it was more petite and parasol like to also protect from the sun, but also designed to keep her "hair do" dry. At one point I thought she was going to break into a selection from "Mary Poppins" very Welsh, there's lovely. I have sweet memories of Aruba, Barbs and I visited it one our first ever cruise on Ocean Village 2 (A sadly missed ship and great crew) it was on her bucket list to the experience a cruise, it also got me hooked on cruising, plus we made friends with Bet & George plus the rest of the Newton le Willows Light Infantry. We hired a Harley Davidson motorcycle and bombed around the island (the bike was a hunk of junk) the experience was great and we often looked back on it with great affection, it made a great impression on both of us, even as I write these words I have a smile on my face, so as we sail away thanks for the memories Aruba, you will always be special and hold a place in my heart and a smile.

Spot someone on a stool in short shorts?

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Bar with interesting cigar homage to Bill Clinton

Arruba, the most modern Island, spot the Shopping Mall and spot the Hill