Man the Lifeboats

As we leave our last Caribbean island behind us, and start our long trek home, it seems a good time to reflect on some of the "characters" and events that have come into my orbit. The first and most importantly was the celebration of Brenda's second birthday, after we discovered we had missed her official birthday at the start of the cruise. We thought if the Queen can have two birthdays, so can Brenda. So we spent a very convivial evening at Marco Pierre White's Cafe Jardin, it must be placed on record for the first time on this cruise Hilary did not finish all courses served to her, I am led to believe this is as rare an event as the siting of Halley's Comet. We also entered the area of procrastination when she was presented with the choice of three mini desserts, let's put it like this we were the last customers to leave. In all seriousness a smashing evening was had by all, great conversation, great food and most importantly great company. Right now for the fun bit, "characters" , I have discovered "The Lady in Yellow" with the bri-nylon wig has a cabin on my deck or was paying a "pastoral" visit to one of her flock, I have now started locking my cabin door at night and hanging a few cloves of garlic from the light fitting as a back up. I also keep getting sittings of ultra tight short shorts man (this is not a mistake they are so short they must be cutting his throat) they tend to be very brightly coloured, he also sports a greasy mullet. When I was ashore he was sitting in a couple of bars I went into (to get out of the sun) sat on a bar stool with his back to the wall, so he could survey the whole room, with his legs akimbo leaving very little to the imagination, you just hope he has pants on or there is a liner ( no not the QE2 Hilary). I have not been able to determine which side he bats for! From several conversations I have had both sexes find him quite unnerving. We also keep running into and hearing a lady who we unfortunately got lumbered with a dinner one evening,when asked what job she had done before retiring, she informed us she was an educationalist, it went downhill from there especially when I said "Oh a Teacher" if looks could kill. Then the one child on board got mentioned, which she thought was awful,she should be in school. At this point Brenda was getting angrier by the second and pointed out the many reasons she might legitimately be on here. Her poor husband (a birdwatcher, anything to get away) was shrinking by the second and seemed such a nice chap. When seen processing around the ship as a couple they practice the reverse Islamic method, he follows ten paces behind in silence. When talking to people she tends to address you like a public meeting. Another dinner companion, who so far is the star in my eyes, after asking us all where we came from, checking out our breeding and bloodlines. At this point I always slip in that I was born and educated in Marlborough, which always confuses them (good old secondary modern) Her husband an ex military officer just observed the whole event and when he spoke it was so quiet you could not hear a word he said, you just hope you said yes and no in the right place. Mrs Bucket ( pronounced Bouquet )as we later christened her then started to tell us and the whole dinning room her claims to fame and notoriety, buckle up. As chairperson of the ******** and District Bowls Club, sub committee Summer Barbecue Committee the whole responsibility of this prestigious events falls on her elegant shoulders,singlehanded she produces several different types of exquisite salad dressings also her world famous Tiramisu that people fight over darling, and you better believe it no less than six meats are on offer (this part of the speech was delivered with all the venom, verve and belief of Hitler at the Nuremberg rallies, hell I was that fired up with barbecue zeal I wanted to invade Poland for the Coleslaw) Now the the knockout blow this epicurean delight was all delivered at £6 per head, cue background music of Land of Hope and Glory. Looking at the faces and expressions on the faces of Malcolm , Brenda and Hilary was priceless. Personally I was having a Tortola catheter moment. People, don't you just love them. I just had a terrible thought enter my warped mind, imaging hitting the proverbial iceberg and ending up in a lifeboat with them!!!! 

Perfection