And another thing

I know I promised there would probably not be any more entries but on the last night of the cruise something happened that really annoyed me. Our hard working waiting staff who have looked after us superbly, with humour, patience and skill not to mention long working hours for a small return rely on diners to show their appreciation for all their efforts by marking that thanks with a tip of some description be it large or small whatever a person can manage, most of that money is dispatched back home to the family who that have not seen for up to 9 months (The average length of a contact). Lukas & Rackman had looked after us manfully becoming use to every ones little foibles, getting an extra bowl of ice cream for someone, making sure someone got a double starter, producing something that was not on the menu, the list of their kindness to passengers goes on and on. Roma our beautiful wine waitress who made sure your glass was never empty always had a smile and gave good advice on value for money, and was so excited because her contracted was over when she reached Southampton and was going home to Manila for 3 months to see her children.
Imagine my disgust when 4 people avoided eating in the restaurant that they had attended for the past 22 nights just to avoid having to give someone a tip, in my book is lower than low. Personally I would have found which cabin they were in and made sure their baggage had an accident while being unloaded, but that is not in the nature of these people they just shrugged and said "It happens" and got on with the job. Well it left me with a very sour taste and made me angry that those with so much in comparison go to such lengths to avoid just saying thank you for all that you have done for me. These people will probably never read this blog but I hold you in contempt for your meanness of spirit and deed.

Signing Off

This will probably be the last blog entry for this trip unless something of real interest occurs over the next day and a half. This trip has thrown up some of the most interesting ports I have ever visited I suppose that the English visitor is at an advantage visiting the US and Canada, we share a common language, often murdered, strangled and defiled but the basics remain the same and to a certain degree that knowledge is reinforced by television and film we know a lot of the places and people, a lot are preconceptions that get broken down and proved incorrect. One thing cannot be doubted that away from the mega cities the friendliness of the welcome you are given by local people and the way they will go out of their way to help, coupled to a fierce sense of Civic pride that they have, something that perhaps we have not lost but is certainly on the wane. It might appear that I am on a ship that is filled with odd balls, well only a few and a lot of the times I spot them they are only momentary lapses or slips made by ordinary people, with a few definite exceptions, you know who you are. As we get closer to home and the temperature continues to drop and the wind increases one thing does mystify me, the British males need to wear shorts of varying length, some bordering on the pornographic, others look like they have been taken from a 1920s Boy Scout, both these styles are worn with open toe sandals AND SOCKS pulled up just short of the knees, what is that all about? It would make more sense to put more layers of clothes on rather than peel them off as some of the Ladies choose to put smaller and smaller white tops on to reveal the depth of tan they have managed to acquire during the cruise, judging by some of the used leather skin tones on display many have tanning machines at home that get many hours of use. The other thing that comes to mind is that a cruise by its very definition is not a holiday of denial, the ability to graze 24 hours a day is possible and the area covered by some of the tans goes in no short measure to reinforce this fact. I have met some really charming people on this Cruise special mention must go to Pauline & Ken also from the West Country, we are fortunate enough to have similar senses of humour and most days swop tales of quirkiness we have spotted, they have been top company. Also with my IT support head on my ladies & gents I have been able to help or confuse have been good fun and great to chat to in my office in Costa Coffee ( Have you tried switching it on & off?) As I head off to Southampton successfully avoiding the icebergs, Noro Virus, Seasickness a fall or a stumble I have had a great trip, my last thought as always is I wish Barb's could have shared it.

Up and Down. Down and Up

Only 1,863 miles to home so the bridge inform us at noon, with the little nugget thrown in that during the night we passed within a 100 miles of the Titanic's last resting place. Oh well heave  ho and up she rises, we hit a choppy bit of sea overnight that has steadily increased overnight and has got people hanging on to handrails ready for that extra special bronco buck that comes along every 2-3 minutes, the waiters scurry around as if they have Velcro on their shoes. I have positioned myself at the top of the stairs leading up from the Atrium in the Costa Coffee shop partaking of a large Latte and watching the impromptu cabaret of the staircase two step, does this make me a sadist or a masochist? The best comment heard so far today a Lady on crutches accompanied by her husband approached the head of the stairs and he stopped her from going down, how thoughtful I thought concerned for her safety only for that to be blown away by his next statement " there's shops down there". Yesterday before our current rough spell it was a pleasant day that brought out the sun bathers  and swimmers, I watched this striking guy who is not unlike Matt Lucas in appearance (Little Britain) having a very loud shouted conversation with a  barman before stomping off and jumping into a hot tub spa, imagine my surprise when later at the formal dressed dinner, I saw the same chap dressed to the nines riding into the Medina dinning room on a mobility scooter, perhaps it is Andy from "Little Britain" or who he was modelled on, should I ask for his autograph or X. Some people are very difficult to please the table behind me in the dinning room have provided unwitting entertainment and frustration for me the whole cruise and one of the reasons I have not minded dinning alone. Last nights conversation was a classic, ranging from can't wait to pull into the first Motorway Services area on the way home to have egg and chips, to in case it's cold upon their return the Winter Duvet. Electric Blanket and emergency hot water bottle are strategically placed for ease of access in the airing cupboard. Other topics for complaint have included, compulsory tipping, to few chips on the plate, how slow the lifts are, staff are to familiar with passengers, quality or lack of it with the toilet paper, the extra sanitary precautions taken during the Noro Virus outbreak, the standard of people taking cruises has declined the list goes on, if ignorance is bliss these 4 people are in paradise. Tonight I am invited to a drinks party for previous P &O cruisers, that will offer a rich vein of potential observations and a chance of a free few drinkie poos before dinner, as the drink flows watch the the defences and accents drop. I will do my best to uphold the proud traditions of Wiltshire, oh arr me dear.

We are Sailing

All good things come to an end and we are just about to leave our final port of call Charlotte's Town on Prince Edward Island the setting for the series of novels, Anne of Green Gables, I remember the books being dramatised by the BBC on Sunday tea times in the 1960s with the beautiful ginger haired Kim Braden ( Bernard Braden's daughter) playing Anne who I had a school boy crush on. Other than that cocktail party stopping fact not a lot else happens here in fact it is very rural, tranquil and serene, we have gone a full 360 degrees from our opening port of call New York City. So as we say goodbye to dry land for the next seven days and get ready for the dash across the North Atlantic (back on iceberg watch) you can see everyone offering up silent prayers for good weather and a smooth crossing. First we have to endure that old cruising custom of the "Sailaway" where everyone is supposed to go out on the open decks and sing songs as you pull out of port waving your little union jack flags provided by P&O for the assembled passengers at the crowds on the quay ( Usually 3 hairy arsed stevedores who have just cast off the tethering lines and the local anorak cruise ship spotter) while singing Rule Britannia & Land of Hope and Glory, while little old Ladies go misty eyed as they remember waving the boys off to the Boer War just like this except we sang Goodbye Dolly Grey and I was a young flipitty jibbet back then young man. The DJ is working up the crowd up to a jingoistic fervour that makes you all want to vote UKIP and thoroughly thrash Johhny Foreigner and invade a small country. P&O promote unashamedly these events at every port we leave because you can't have a Sailway without having Champagne or Preseco  in hand to celebrate, with the Booze going at £3.00 a glass and the event lasting 30-45 minutes depending on weather, fervour and visibility it's really good business, now you either enjoy it or find it totally toe curling. Speaking as a company shareholder pass me my song sheet, can we top you up madam?

Quebec

Concrete works, not the first thing you expect to see after traversing down the mighty St Lawrence seaway, after passing under those majestic power pylons taking power to the south of Canada having experienced forests tumbling down to the rivers edge, small hamlets with their own small docks nestling into folds of land laying serenely just above the hide tide mark, opulent buildings perched on top of wooded hillsides like eagles eerie's with magnificent views of the broad sweeping river on its journey to the sea. The practical side of me wonders about forest fires and if they can get insurance and I bet it's a bugger to get out of when it snows an what about bears? Did you see what happened there the practical side overcame the romantic, anyway back to Quebec, apparently there were four other cruise liners in port before us and we had to make do with a berth in the commercial port, hence the stunning view of the concrete works, the gravel plant and the ship yard basin dry dock. I must be honest for such a beautiful and unusual city that Quebec undoubtably is it posses one of the least interesting approaches to port, but that is just being picky as we have had some stunners this trip, just take New York. Once we were cleared to go ashore a fleet of Yellow style American school buses presented themselves to act as the free shuttle service between the ship and the City. If felt I had become an extra in the Partridge Family (60s TV show that made David Cassidy) after a short run into the edge of the old City with the skyline being dominated by turrets, spinnerets and towers mainly green in colour and the proud flag of Quebec fluttering from all of them I walked across a dual carriageway and back into a time capsule. The small criss cross of cobbled streets ever winding upwards to the high arts of the old city are amazing and delight to explore and experience. Having to make several stops on m upward trek I was able to listen to the chirp of the local French accent (Those of you who know me will know that France is no my favourite country or people) it has a lovely sing song lilt an is not harsh to the ear sending you scuttling for an umbrella and raincoat when someone gets into full flow, admit idly all the hand actions and shrugs are still there but or me the greatest of delights was when these friendly people realised you were an English speaking visitor and spoke in such a pleasing accent I found myself asking questions just so I could listen to the accent. I won't bog you down with sites any guidebook will give you a far more informed outlook than mine, it is a great place to wander and just see where yo turn up. I must mention the Chateau de Frontenac which dominates the skyline and for an old train spotter like me the Funicular railway that connects the lower town to the upper town and has great views. While waiting to catch the shuttle back to the ship I sat on a bench  close to the Marina and settled down to some observing, one of the first things I noticed was how fit the locals are and how hard they work at it with dedicated running/cycle ways laid out, the amount of Lycra on display was enough to ignite a box of matches, not only runners and cyclists solo and tandem but also skateboarders, roller bladers, power walkers, dog walkers with dogs so big if you got tired you could saddle it and ride home. I also noticed how few medium size dogs were about but how many small dogs were being carried in bags and tucked inside coat with cute little heads stuck out, more a fashion statement than a practical dog. Compared to the States in Quebec I have hardly seen a fat person until I looked in the plate glass window opposite my bench. At that point along came the bus, thankfully we all waddle on board the springs just about held out back to the port in time for us to have an afternoon cream tea and ponder what we have learnt today, there are a lot of hills in Quebec, but you are only visiting.

It's tough up North

We have left the States behind and have arrived in Canada, the first two stops have both been quiet, Saint Johns which we arrived at on Sunday and has a City Ordinance that no commercial business may open before noon. It was like stepping back in time to boyhood in the 50s the only thing open was Church and the Pub opening at noon for 2 hours. There were a few places of local interest open, mainly connected to the sea. The population is quite sparse and many places of value to visit lie a good way inland away from the Bay of Fundy which has the largest tidal range in the world of 25 metres. Both places we have visited have Pink visitor buses, old London Transport Routemasters run in conjunction and raising money for Breast Cancer research, a percentage of every passenger use goes to that extremely good cause. On to Halifax which is a mammoth working harbour, with a city that reflects its connection history and dependency on the sea, again it is one of those places where much of the scenery and interest are way outside the city limits. Someone perhaps unkindly commented "That it will be nice when it's finished"  After all the hub-bub of the States it is hard to get used to the serenity and open spaces of Canada. As today is a seaday and we had towards the St Lawrence seaway on route for Quebec and that part of Canada that is quintasentcialy France I thought I would update you on some of the passengers we met early on in the piece. The Salmon is getting pinker around the gills the further North we get and the curve in his hook becomes more pronounced we get closer to the spawning grounds by the day, I hope my  analogy is not to accurate as if I remember correctly they keep swimming upstream, spawn get caught by bears or end up dying by beaching themselves. I will keep a couple of buckets of water on stand by and get ready to rush him to one of the four on board swimming pools. Talking of pools the pack of three hunters regularly can be seen stalking the various watering holes onboard were unsuspecting males go to rest and take on refreshment, they attempt to cut the odd male out of the herd and proceed to attack as yet without success despite being decked out in their finest mating robes and tribal adornments, when they have had an unsuccessful hunt they turn their attention back to quaffing large amounts of Proseco and turning upon their secondary prey the Waiters who only young are prepared to dangle bait and flirt with the pack but are too experienced to get caught and know the exact moment to run away. Also around the waterholes the lesser spotted Zimmers and Wheelchairs gather later on after sundown initially appearing normal in behaviour, after several hours here they seem to get edgy and difficult to control and quite raucous as they attempt to go off and roost for the night, woe betide any unweary traveller who should get in their way!!!

Barbs

Yesterday was a "Black Dog" day for me, at a beautiful sunset off the coast of Canada I set a  Sunflower loose in the Atlantic Ocean in memory of Barb's. True love stories have no end.

And the Winner is.

Well the big news from Aurora today is we have a problem with the Cruiser's friend NoroVirus  with quite a few passengers confined to their cabins for 48 hours and extreme health and cleaning steps put into place. Although it is done for your own good and benefit some of the older passengers don't take to it very well and are downright rude to the crew who are working really hard to contain it and minimise the effects so people can enjoy themselves. One lady plonked herself at a table and when asked to move because that side of the resteraunt was closed for cleaning refused point blank as she was a paying customer and it was her right to sit where ever she choose. Some people on here need to realise that old age comes to us all, but respect is not a side effect of age we all achieve that with out really trying, respect has to be earnt.  Personally if I was the waiter dealing with her I would of made sure I dropped her food and coughed on it and left my thumb in it when placing it on the table. While having a quiet five minutes and a small libation I thought I would do a head count of Zimmers and Wheelchairs. In ten minutes I counted 22 of these lethal weapons of various sizes, one lady who has part of my foot attached to her tyre I have nicknamed Bodicea as she takes no prisoners, god help you if you meet her in the narrow passageways leading to cabins (where she got my foot) or reversing into a lift. In a previous life she was either a Rally Driver or was into Stock Car racing, I think we could have a new form of entertainment two chairs either end of the passageway and off they set from opposite ends, the ultimate game of chicken, my money is on Bodicea.

Bawstan

After taking a day to recover from my exertions in New York and to prepare myself for the highlight of the whole trip Boston, I woke with the lark and had an early croissant and stepped off the ship girding my loins for another round of US immigration, lo and behold this amounted to one of Boston's finest saying " Welcome to Boston" followed by "have a nice day" then an encounter with a charming information lady giving out maps of Boston which the locals pronounce Bawstan. I asked apart from being a brilliant baseball player which was the best way of getting to Fenway Park Baseball Stadium, she said taxi's would charge mega bucks, she suggested a sightseeing trolley bus that stopped outside the Stadium plus also went around the rest of the city. I thanked her for her advice and hoped she had a nice day, I like to think her chuckle was in the irony of my words? I joined my "Old town trolley bus company" and the driver "Bear" who was to be our narrator, when he found out I was English he asked if I approved of what they have done with the country. I told him I would withhold judgement until the end of the trip, which gave us licence to have a bit of a snipe at one another during the tour, much to the amusement of the other passengers, in particular we kept crossing Marlborough St, which he insisted on pronouncing Marlboro St which I assured him was incorrect as I was born in Marlborough in Wiltshire after which it is named and that was the correct way to pronounce it by the end of the trip he very nearly had it right. On a serious note the city planners have done a great job of getting the balance right between old and new and they sit very well side by side, it is one of those places except for the traffic feels right and a place that merits more time to investigate it. After visiting many interesting places with attachment to the American War of Independence including the site of the Boston Tea Party we arrived at my Mecca, Fenway. The place I have seen so many times on TV and I was there and a chance to tour around before that evenings match, absolute bliss, for all you non baseball fans it lived up to all my expectations and more, I went and had a couple of beers in the bleachers bar where I managed to talk to some season ticket holders about all things Red Sox the end to my perfect day. I joined my bus again for the trip back to the Cruise Terminal. Boston who all the locals referrer to as a Town and not a City is more than worthy of a few days visiting to explore properly about the only things not to like it are Lobsters and Clams

The Bronx is up the Battery down

Aurora docked in New York

Rather than hang about in the immigration and wait for the all clear to go back on board I decided to go New York walk about (a term I use loosely)  after getting a free city map a guy who I had in stitches by just saying Cheers instead of thank you, he asked me to say it four times, at least I made his day. As soon as I left the building the heat hit you between the eyes, no air, traffic fumes attacking your throat, after two minutes I knew how a chicken felt in the microwave! Having located 42nd Street (Sounds good, better than Acacia Drive) I proceed in an Easterly direction heading for Time Square, one thing immediately struck me was the reason they have so many car accidents is they drive on the wrong side of the road. This flagrant abuse of the highway code has an immediate problem when crossing roads in looking completely the wrong way for traffic and risking life and limb. As I carried on my merry way it became obvious everyone is in a rush to get somewhere they should of been five minutes ago and as a further handicap they seem to be surgically attached to their cell phones or are having frantic conversation waving arms about on Bluetooth. I have come to the conclusion that shops are shops the world over just the quality in the way they display their goods change and the price, this is a statement from the male perspective, because I did witness several lady passengers in a pure state of ecstasy and miserable faced husbands carrying, Maceys, SAKs  and Bloomingdales carriers, shopping therapy transporter 3,500 miles or as one bloke put it "we are playing the away leg". Times square was certainly worth the walk (it took three beers to complete the journey) the whole world and it's dog passed you by in a matter of moments a sensory overload and I would imagine more so at night with all the signs a light. It was time to make the return journey, another 3 beers with the hidden tax and 15% tip or hop a Yellow Cab. Getting a Cab that is  free is another trick thats easier said than done, I got one eventually driven by that all American boy Ahmed. $15 dollars and a $5 dollar tip later I arrive back at the terminal, limping well, but I managed it. Ahmed's parting shot was remember it will be hard to get a cab tomorrow because it is a very important day for all the World 9/11 and don't forget the 4 minutes silence, multiculturalism at its finest.

The Twin Towers memorial spotlights 

New York night sail away

The Eagle has limped in

The sail into New York must be one of the most iconic events that anyone who goes on a cruise can expirience , it is like suddenly being transported into every film you have seen about the city. There is the Empire State building with King Kong and Fay Wray, the Statten Island ferry (one of the few things in NY that is free) in the opening scene Working Girl and Melanie Griffiths with the big hair. The Statue of Liberty back drop to so many films. Ellis Islands the immigration point where so many dreams where made and ruined, just like the Cruise/Kidman film Far and Away not to be mixed up with the Aussie Soap, Home and Away which is far more superior. Then there is the gap where the twin towers of World Trade Centre were. Have I cast a spell over you yet? Well I am just about to puncture it for you as I leant against the railings with my fellow cruisers to enjoy and marvel at the sites, I was joined by an elderly couple from Leicester who informed me they cruise all year round, as they struggle to pick out items on the skyline like the Manhattan Bridge which we are about to sail under, he informs me in all honesty that the highlight for him will be to visit Alcatraz Island!!!!Do I tell him or let him carry on making a complete and utter twat of himself and his wife to anyone in earshot? Being basically a kind person I quietly inform that Alcatraz is in San Francisco Bay, rather than shooting off mortified he stood his ground and asked if I could see the Statue of Liberty yet. They walk among us.

The next step and no small one is get past American immigration, there are customs forms to be filled out, visas to be presented, letters to be handed in. Every passenger wether they are going ashore or not plus crew all have to go through the process, which is a long walk from the ship, now the kicker nobody is allowed back on board until everyone has been checked out, this includes fingerprints left and right hand, right and left thumb print, individual photograph and passport scan, quite a time consuming process. Many of my older fellow cruisers were completely baffled by this array of gadgetry and the distinction between right and left also hand and thumb, in the end many of the immigration officers were as befuddled as the cruisers, one or two were not far off using Taser's and in one case a barretta automatic pistol. If you think there are almost 2,000 passengers and a 1,000 crew the whole process was destined to take around 3 to 4 hours in temperatures around 30c. Another strange thing that struck me was the diversity of the immigration officer's, 10-12 coloured, 4-5 Asian, 4-5 Chinese/Japanese and others who I would not like to hazard a guess! Welcome to America.

iPad Support

Before going down for dinner there was a beautiful sunset, which put me in a great mood of Bonhomie for the evening, then after a top quality dinner.

I went for a night cap before turning in, one of the staff informed me a lady was looking for me. You either have or you don't. Then I had a tap on my shoulder and there was Nina, the lady who I helped with her iPad needed help again could we meet in the morning? So there I am holding my iPad clinic over a medium Latte in Costa no sooner have I got her sorted out than two ladies from Blackburn took her place before I could say excuse me but I help them with their Samsung Galaxy and help them get on the Internet, take a seat Ladies the Doctor will see you. Then a gentleman asked for some advice about Windows XP on his laptop, I see a pattern developing here. There could also be a business opportunity. I eventually got away and took a breath on the top floor of the Atrium to study the water feature that spans five decks, my nickname for her is "The Floozy in the Jacuzzi " 

 The Flozzy

IPad tales

Well a few days into the cruise and everyone is settling down into their routines. One pitfall is to be spotted using an IPad by the blue rinse brigade who have been given them as pressies by their sons & daughters to keep in contact and so you can show us al, your pictures when you get home. First problem is the ones who use a stylus to tap the screen instead of using the finger, they fall into two categories, thump it so hard it nearly comes out the other side of the tablet or they give it a butterfly kiss and nothing happens. Once shown that the digit is the best way of going we move on to taking a photo, as the lense is incorporated in the frame trying to stop the Ladies taking numerous shots of their finger, the ceiling, the floor and in one case themselves by holding it wrong way round takes the best part of the morning. By now we are gathering an audience with some elderly gentlemen who have been proud owners for all of six weeks suggesting other ways of doing the task and thereby complicating the task further. At this point I can start to see a way out by doing an on board dating service getting people paired off and making my exit before we get onto the thorny issue of WI-Fi and sending emails, I make my excuse about an irregular bowel movement and head for the hills. I can safely head for a bar knowing I have done my bit for help the aged. I would like to give you a report about my dinning companions but the head waiter came to inform me last night that there was nobody else at my table, so there I am dressed in the Penguin suit just come from the Captains welcome party "Billy no Mates". He did give me the offer to join a larger table but I declined for the moment and agreed to reassess in a few days. As I looked around the dinning room I was struck with how many incomplete tables there were, in my immediate area a table for 4 with 2 people a table of 8 with 6 and towards the back of the restaurant a few completely empty, either a few have dropped off the perch, jumped overboard or the cruise is greatly undersold, if I get asked many more IPad questions I could be joining the band of the missing passengers.  

So it begins

So it begins, here we are aboard the good ship Aurora just about to cast off having survived the infamous queing to get on board and the security checks, security is provided by G4 who with all its current problems have crossed out the words please and thank you from the training manual, unless as someone suggested they are unable to speak English and are failed assylum seekers, the old saying poacher turned gamekeeper comes to mind. On the up side all the waiting about does give you the chance to look around your fellow passengers. So far I have spotted the "Salmon" which is probably unkind the gentleman in question has such a protrouding lower jaw and his upper is recedding so much that it comes to a an up turned point also it is 1quite warm he is a shade of pink, I wonder if he is going back to Canada to spawn. I will keep an eye out in case he tries to swim out of the pool and leaps towards the Jacuzzi, reminder must check pH and chlorine, once a poolie always a poolie. I can catergorically state that with the older female set this year in the casual top department you are either a Leopard or a Zebra have not spotted any inter species attacks as yet but can live in hope, Granny wrestling would be a better choice than the trio knocking out Abba numbers around the watering hole also known as the Crystal Pool. Well imbibbing a Stella purely for rehydration purposes I spotted a pack three of predators circling the watering hole, of the female variety having finished the Asti they then went on the food hunt, I believe they will endeavour to hunt and corner males over the next few days, I will don camoflage gear and report if they are succesful in the hunt. Of intrest to Darren & Lisa I have spotted the Lesser spotted amateur photographer, he is in display mode with three camera's dangling around his neck, one with a telephoto lens on that must be all of three feet long, plus a video camera a lickle point and click, he would have a wonderful scrap value, if he goes overboard with that lot on his neck in my professional opinion as an ex lifeguard he is a gonner. I wonder if photographers are like sports car owners and the length of the lens on display is a subconcious phallic statement? Time to get up on deck and have my free glass of champers as we sail away down the Solent leaving behind the majesty of Fawley Oil refinery, the container terminal and all those symbols that make you proud to be British

Off we go again

Getting ready for the next Expedition

Here we go again on the next little adventure, this time to the USA & Canada. I set sail from Southampton on 3rd September and return on 28th September this time a new ship to explore , the Aurora on which I have a single cabin forward which will come in real handy when we get into the Northern Atlantic where I can offer my services to the Captain as an extra pair of eyes on Iceberg watch, note to self remember to pack binoculars and drag outfit just in case, pay attention during lifeboat drill and locate nearest lifeboat/raft to my cabin.
I thought it was time to pay our American cousins a visit and just correct them on a few things, such as the use of the letter "u" in colour the correct way to pronounce and spell aluminium. Remind them that as inventors of the game it is most definitely Football and not Soccer failure to comply and Nanny will make them sit on the naughty step and they won't have Jelly for tea. Anyway one tea party does not mean you own a country. I am filled with vim and vigour that this trip has an evangelical spirit to it, it must almost be the same feeling that David Livingstone had as he set off for the dark unexplored corners of Africa. My itinerary includes New York, Newport Rhode Island, Boston, Portland then on to Canada. If you notice these Yankee chappies hanker for the Mother Land the clue is in the names selected from, the Counties of Yorkshire, Gwent, Lincolnshire and Dorset the missionary force within gets stronger by the minute.

The Tring Cowboy & Friends

A few words from the charming people that I met for a nightcap in Tiffany's most evenings, as you can probably imagine a host of stories to tell, all funny most unrepeatable.

Thanks for helping to make my cruise so enjoyable

Service with a Big Smile

One aspect of Cruising which should never be underestimated is the friendliness of the staff who you are in daily contact with, some would argue that the smiles and the courtesy you get shown is false, put on and done to illicit a large tip at the end of the cruise. I personally disagree, it would be hard to keep up that level of pretence for 24 days or even longer on a world cruise, the newly introduced tipping system has changed the old tradition of personal tipping in some cases. The nature of Indian, Filipino and Oriental people is genuinely a more positive outlook on life than the average European, you should also remember crew are often contracted for six to nine months at a time with very little time off.

Your first point of contact is always your cabin boy or girl, Minguel looked after me on this cruise and nothing was too much trouble and he was a hive of information, and on occasion's coming back to the cabin to find a swan or an elephant made out of towels did make me smile. Waiters the world over have a tough job, I have a job not to spill a coffee between the kitchen and the lounge, these guys do it at sea in force 9-10, respect. In Tiffany Court, which is were you get your Costa Coffee, all the guys were great, but I got on particularly well with Vincente (Vinnie) a great laugh always smiling and flirting, rearranging furniture to fit everyone in, a guy who had time for everyone who is very nearly at the end of his nine month contract and is looking forward to getting home to Kerala to his beautiful wife and 18 month old daughter. In our restaurant we were regally looked after by our waiters.

As you can see the smile never far away, a level of service and speed that would be hard to beat anywhere, always quick to change anything you were not happy with, get Sean an extra portion and find Patrick Ice Cream to go with everything. Janet who has to have a different menu was given the next days menu so she could make her selections for the next day with the minimum of fuss. Carol our wine waitress was a darling, once purchased you never poured your own wine, as your glass was getting lower & lower she suddenly materialised and topped you up, no mean trick when you consider how many tables she was looking after.
We also had meals at Marco Pierre White's Ocean Grill and the Italian Restaurant were once again the staff could not have been more attentive and help to enhance the experience. I am full of admiration for the staff who made my holiday such a pleasure, I don't know all your names but thank you one and all.

 

Table 71

The Ancient Art of Quoits

Deck quoits

Deck quoits is popular on cruise ships. The quoits are invariably made of rope, so as to avoid damaging the ship's deck, but there are no universally agreed standards or rules - partly because of the game's informal nature and partly because the game has to adapt to the shape and area of each particular ship it is played upon.
Players take it in turn to throw three or four hoops at a target which usually, though not always, consists of concentric circles marked on the deck. The centre point is called the jack. Occasionally this may take the form of a raised wooden peg, but more usually it is marked on the surface in the same way that the concentric circles are.
Well what happened was, Big Sean and I were persuaded by Malcolm (The Assasin) & Patrick (The Punisher) to try our arm at Quoits which we duly did with varying degrees of success, after nearly depositing several Quoits directly into the Ocean, taking chunks out of the ships superstructure we started to get the hang of the game and embarked on several amusing games, which to be honest were quite enjoyable. Half way through one game at quite a tense point in proceedings the Captain made his Churchillian style 6-00pm progress speech, causing the suspension of the game or quoitus interruptus. The game onboard ship is very popular with daily competitions taking place and the whole thing is taken very seriously and is extremely competitive, unlike our friendly games which had a never ending stream of banter, abuse and laughter, with even Georgie joining in (doing better in one session, than I did in several). Of course the best part of all was the apres quoits in Lords Taveners (The Pub) discussing the techinical aspects of the game over several beers before dinner, while Malcolm (The Duracell Bunny) went off on his training 2 mile walk around the deck, we were with him in spirit and waved at him every time he passed the bar window.

The Phantom

As we come towards the end of what has been a most enjoyable cruise one mystery still remains, somewhere on D deck resides the Phantom, who is he? What is his purpose? Sightings of the man dressed in a dark suit and tie have been reported and spotted since the ship left Southampton, he suddenly appears behind you in corridors, swishes past you silently, like an apparition, only to stop a few yards further on, stare silently into space retrace his tracks for a few steps then turn again and proceed on his original course silently without a word of explanation. He has been seen in deep conversation with with grey coloured passengers swapping biblical quotations ad nausium.  Allegedly during this cruise six souls have shuffled off this mortal coil, fallen off the perch, snuffed it. This has lead me to believe the Phantom's real purpose on board is as a freelance mobile undertaker, or even a representative of the Co-op funeral service (with divi stamps)  offering advice on various funeral plans to fit all budgets, this would explain his demeanour and ability to suddenly just appear and his hang dog expression. I am personally disappointed that we have not had the spectacle of a burial at sea, which would of offered considerably more entertainment than the two so called comedians that we have had to endure. The sight of the tarpaulin clad corpse sliding out from underneath a Union Jack borrowed from the mast, entering the Bay of Biscay from the surface of the highly polished dining tables from the Oriental  restaurant (borrowed between sittings) would have made a spectacular ending for all involved, with the DJ adding suitable background music to enhance the sombre atmosphere (Rod Stewart's Sailing followed by Puff the Magic Dragon, finishing with Rule Britannia) as the tarpaulin drifts into the after foam astern (At last I am learning the technical terms, instead of blunt & sharp end) and starts to sink with the plaintive sound of Oriana's hooter drifting across the ether and the sun slowly setting, with the scent of Gaulloise cigarette smoking drifting on the breeze from the coast of France. Having written that last paragraph I feel moved to seek out the Phantom and make an enquiry for a pre paid funeral plan. Upon arrival at Southampton I once again espied the Phantom patrolling the Promenade deck prior to departure clad in a Black cromby, Russian Style Hat and gloves adding even more to his mysterious persona. I must not have been the only one to thinks this for as we cleared the Customs Hall in the main building, one person had been pulled over by Her Majesty's Customs and Excise and was having the contents of his luggage inspected with a fine tooth comb, yes you guessed it none other than the Phantom. I had to move on with the majority of passengers but I was left to ponder was anything found? Was a full body and cavity inspection required, welcome to England.

Homeward Bound

We are now getting ready for our last port of call the tiny island of Horta part of the Azores in mid Atlantic a favourite stopping place for the Yachting fraternity doing Atlantic crossings. It is rare for cruise ships to call in, this only occurs a couple of times a year, so it has no large ship docking facilities and ships have to anchor off shore with cruise passengers having to be tendered across by the ships lifeboat's, this takes some considerable time and can be a bit like a fairground ride. At the moment tendering looks in doubt as the sea could have quite a swell and the rise and fall between ship and tender could be to great to make this a safe operation, the other risk is after getting people ashore the weather worsens and people cannot get back on board ship. If it does go ahead I think this exercise will offer great people watching opportunities, in a sadistic sort of way!!

Some of my top sightings in these last few sea days include, the 5ft 4" lady who is the same width, wearing a Pink mini Pom Pom dress and knee length black Lycra cycling shorts closely followed by a Blue Rinsed lady exiting the Ladies Loo with not only her dress tucked in her knickers but sporting a toilet roll tail. On the sun deck there have been quite a number of Wardrobe Malfunctions not on a par with Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl, more like Mrs Mills. Tattoos are not the property of just the young many of the mid seniors are sporting them and they are on display unabashed during copious sunbathing sessions, but be warned what started out as a cute little Dolphin on holiday in Turkey, can in later life become a Sperm Whale.

Bless You

Bugger

Our dinning manager was missing for a couple of evenings when we saw him again he told us that he had gone down with a cold but was now feeling better. The next evening our table monitor Janet, reported she had a head cold, but had dosed up, and was having an early night. Last night it was my turn, sneezing, blocked nose with a sore throat, that will teach me to gloat over the weather in the UK. Ridiculous coughing and sneezing in temperatures of 30c plus. The only up side I spent the evening in my cabin had room service (FOC) and avoided wearing the penguin suit for a black tie dinner.   

Death in Paradise

On a serious note for once in this blog, when you look at your fellow passengers you realise the average age is in the mid Seventies with all the attendant health issues that come to us all as we progress through life's rich tapestry. In Barbados yesterday two of my table companions were walking along the beach only to be halted in their tracks by local police shutting down the beach and putting an elderly gentleman into a body bag. It transpired that he was a passenger from the Oriana who was travelling by himself and had been enjoying a swim in the warm crystal clear water only to collapse as he came out of the sea, struck down with what appeared to be a massive heart attack. This has to be confirmed by an autopsy which will be carried out locally, my thoughts and sympathy go to the gentleman's family in the UK who waved him off, never to come back. There have been many falls and tumbles during our passage and the ship's Doctor and his medical team have certainly been kept busy, the crash team got called to a fall in a cubicle in one of the many loo's on board and had to resuscitate a person who was eventually transferred to a land based Intensive Care Unit. It just brings into very sharp focus how quickly your circumstances can change, so make the most of the present. I promise the next blog will be more light hearted.

The Usual Suspects

Table 71

A successful cruise depends on having an open mind, good weather and excellent dining companions, the  last can make or break your cruising experience. The first evening that I should have met my companions got off to an ignominious start, coming aboard at 3-00 ish and taking part in emergency evacuation drills (Titanic Time) then going back to the cabin and unpacking, thinking I'll just read a few pages of my book then waking up at 10-15pm just in time to go to bed and missing out on your first dinner sitting is not a great start. So with a measure of apprehension I made sure I was early the next night to meet my dining companions, at our table of single travellers, seven of us had been placed together, three ladies, three gentlemen and me. After making my profuse apology for missing the previous evening, introductions were made and luckily by associating people's names with books and songs I was able to remember them (for those of you who know me well an amazing feat given my short term memory) where was I, oh yes we had Georgie (from the Seekers song) an Enigma and child of the Sixties who once lived in the Kings Road, Chelsea, Janet of that literary classic Janet and John made famous by the much lamented Terry Wogan breakfast show, later to become known as Mother Superior, Lorna of Lorna Doone fame, every bit as pretty as the heroine of the book, with a great sense of humour.  With my love of Irish music Sean and Patrick gave me no problems in thinking of The Pogues and I could not get the Pogue's album "Rum, sodomy and the Lash out of my mind, very appropriate for a sea journey. Last but not least was a fellow West Countryman, Malcolm who I equated to Malcolm McLaren puppet master of the Sex Pistols, which if you ever have the good luck to meet Malcolm could not be further from the truth, a gentleman and a scholar very much old school, a dying breed. It became clear very quickly evident that through some quirk of fate, and the seating manager's whim we had been dealt an excellent hand that would help enhance our collective cruise experiences. Unfortunately we were to loose one of our company, Lorna, a cruise first timer along with Sean, unfortunately Lorna found the swell of our Atlantic crossing just too much for her and although it did settle down a bit she decided to make arrangements to fly back home to the UK from Antigua we gathered in the Atrium to see her off and wish her safe journey, although I only knew her for a short time she was a fun Lady with a great sense of fun. We did have another person transferred to our table, I will not identify him to protect the innocent, let us just say it was oil and water syndrome and there was a collective sigh of relief when a transfer bid came in for him (real or imaginary I cannot say) and it was agreed, without doubt it was best for all parties, those two days were as welcome as a guide dog with rabies. I can say that this is one of the most enjoyable cruises that I have been on and that is in no small part due to my fellow conspirators on Table 71, including the PA and events co-ordinator and table monitor, Sports Correspondent, quoits player and putter extraordinaire, the Big Sunburnt Teddy Bear who has developed into a confirmed future cruiser, the Spokesman & bargain hunter and our child of the 60s and veteran of Stones concerts on Eel Pie Island. Ladies & Gents thanks for your company and if you try and sue me I will deny it all.

Antigua

Here we are on the beautiful island of Antigua there are three ships including ourselves moored up, depositing approximately 6000 souls on this sun drenched paradise, including the Costa Luminosa parked right side up!! Also alongside is a Royal Caribbean ship that has a Captain Jack Sparrow lookalike stationed at the bottom of the gang plank accompanied by a photographer who insists on taking your photo with Captain Jack, surprisingly the Americans seem keen on the idea, if it was our ship the Old Dears would treat him like Abu Hamsa and chase him down the quayside with a combination of parasols, Zimmer frames and motorised wheelchairs. 

The ability of Islanders to communicate in several different languages at once is another eye opener, the common denominator being the ability to separate said multilingual punters from their American Dollars (The preferred currency) and slipping them their change in Caribbean Dollars which are useless and you need a wheelbarrow full to have any value. If they are detected doing this switch their inability to be able to communicate in the language they had been using to secure the deal gives rise to "Me no understand"   This does not apply to the upmarket shops like Diamonds International and Colombian sapphires & rubies, I think the security guards with the automatic weapons and bulges under tailored blazers are quite intimidating. I am not sure if this level of security is to stop theft by Cruise Visitors or the locals, but the contents of the shops are quite stunning with prices to match up to 6 figures and beyond on request, never have I seen the blood drain from male faces so quickly and a hand shoot to a wallet in a defensive manoeuvre so quickly accompanied by much tugging of arms to look at the lovely tea towels and Bermuda shirts just over the way.  Three of us have made camp facing these jewellery shops ordering cold bottles of Carib beer, this is better than watching a football match.    

Launched

A Sunflower is now floating around the Caribbean  Sea in memory of Barbs.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Barbs
True love stories have no ending.
All my love and more
Paul X

Lazy days or What

If you thought a cruise was laying back soaking up the sun, for some on board it is more like a military operation, a test in time management and pure stamina. Some of the older folk on board would make a marathon runner look a wimp. Don't believe me, here is a sample of a typical days programme. 

8am Walk a mile, yoga, Christian fellowship, Fab Abs, Art Class. From 10am Individual Quiz, Line Dancing, Deck Quoits, Learners Bridge, Shuffle Board Competition, Craft Class, Beginners Dance Class, Table Tennis Comp, 12.00 Form a Ships Choir, Beginners Spanish, DJ on deck, Film in Cinema, lecture Limp & Lifeless Hair? Progressive Quiz. Fit in Lunch. From 2pm Masonic get together, Whist Drive, Fluid retention and swollen ankles seminar, Classical recital. 4pm Short Tennis Competition, Total body conditioning, Discover acupuncture, Bingo, Golf Putting comp, Tai Chi. Individual Quiz. 6pm cocktail pianist Show in Theatre Thank you for the Music, Early Evening dance date, Comedian in Theatre, Pub Quiz, Dance the Night Away, Syndicate Quiz, Late Night Disco. Fit in four course dinner. Crawl into bed, shoot up with performance enhancing drugs to get through tomorrow. Honestly that is only part of the programme, this is not a holiday for the faint hearted, be warned, if you are contemplating a cruise go into training at least 6 months before you cast off!!!!

Force 8

I see by Sky News that bad weather has hit or is about to shut down the UK. Please spare a thought for all of those souls on board the good ship Oriana. We have had Force 8-9 winds and swells up to 8-9 meters causing the ship to alter course to miss the centre of this deep depression. Quiet a few people are feeling under the weather, luckily not yours truly, made getting about a bit difficult with the deck rocking and rolling but also made for great people watching conditions!!! You know its going to be rough when sickbags are put in dispensers in all the stair wells on the route back to the cabins and the air is full of the unmistakable aroma of Jayes Fluid. One unfortunate lady on her first ever cruise has had enough and booked a flight to Gatwick when we reach Antigua in a couple of days time. I have strategically found a seat in the coffee shop that covers the entrance to the Coffee Shop that everyone on that deck has to use to get anywhere else on this bucking bronco of a ship, the more sprightly have no problems, some pass in a sequence dance routine,one forward, three back, four to the side and repeat. The most interesting are those in zimmer frame with wheels, who very nearly break the land speed record if the conditions are right, it is all that I can do not to offer a round of applause. The reverse of this game the ascent is also interesting, although not as quick it is still a good spectator sport because it is a team sport some time with three or four participants pushing a standard wheelchair up this Mount Everest of a slope.
The seas are starting to settle as we approach St Marteen or first port of call, I envisage some Pope like moments when people are able to get on dry land again, with kissing of the Tarmac. I hope to report on other incidents as they occur, don't get me wrong there are great slabs of normality on this trip and some very pleasant company, especially on the table I share for dining a real good cross section of solo travellers, with an oddity thrown in (Not me for once) more on that later.

Southampton

Given the adverse publicity surrounding the ship I am joining later today. For those that don't know the P&O ship Oriana (The Plague Ship) docked just before Christmas at Southampton with over 400 people on board suffering from Noro Virus, extra medical staff had to be taken on board in Holland to help cope with outbreak, people were confined to their cabin's and upon its return several elderly cruisers were taken by ambulance to hospital. In light of this information I have made a quick study of the I-Spy book of birds and packed my binoculars in my hand luggage and intend to do a sweep of the skies above Mayflower Quay were the Oriana will be berthed.

Vulture

 Seagull

Starting Out

Well what happened was, when I retired and my wife Barbara sadly passed away I had to decide do I stay at home with the cat (Loulabella) or do I carry on with my life and do something that we had always talked about and wanted to do?

Meet the Cat

 

The what, was to travel, see places and meet people, enjoy different cuisines, experience different cultures, in short have our gap year at the other end of our lives, but with a little bit of luxury thrown in, cruising was the answer.
Just after Barbara received the diagnosis of having advanced breast cancer and all the horrible treatments that she had to face with some dread, but confronted with extraordinary amounts of courage, we decided that what was needed were some achievable goals and targets to get her through, a light at the end of the tunnel. We decided that the height of decadence would be a cruise and blow the budget. This we duly did by booking two weeks in the Caribbean with the sadly missed Ocean Village booking a balcony suite. To get us to Barbados in style we booked premium seats on the flight out and before we had reached the end of the runway we were tucking into champagne, needless to say the whole event was a great success and was the filip that was need to head into part two of her treatment programme. It was to be the start of a way of holidaying that we both fell in love with, a floating hotel of quality that whisked you away to a new port every day.

Well next thing to think about is packing, or as I like to approach it "Its a Knockout". I must admit to getting the iron out and doing a bit, but with my style of packing it will be a fairly pointless exercise. The great thing about cruising that you are not limited to 15kg or what ever the airline in their generosity allow you to have. While waiting to handover cases at Southampton I have observed as many as 6 cases handed over by a couple, you know the type "Young man I have been to the upper reaches of the Limpopo and had more cases than this for the bearers to take care of in my Caravansary" and you would not argue you with her. Mice chuck themselves on traps when she visits. Trying to work out what to take always taxes my thought process, what is the formula for socks and knickers over 24 days how often can you reverse them? I also work on the assumption anything white will only get one use as I will certainly spill something down it!!!
Have I got enough cat food in for the Queen of Guildford Avenue, who is currently addicted to Tuna in brine, cooked chicken breast and slums it with a pouch of Felix fish flavoured food to see her through the night and still she only weighs 3 kilos. Don't forget the giant sack of Cat Litter or as Loula likes to think of it Weston Super Mare beach half on the kitchen floor/half in the tray, she uses it as guerrilla warfare against humans by spreading it in places you don't expect and you tread on it half asleep in the wee small hours as excruciating pain shots up from the soles of your feet as you make that half asleep/half awake journey to the bathroom. A sign of getting older in the packing routine is the majority of room is taken up by pills and unctions needed for every eventuality, currently I take 11 pills in the morning and 5 at night, you do the maths for 24 days, then add in Gaviscon, painkillers, Immodium (could come in handy as this ship was the one that made the headlines with Noro Virus outbreak) and all the other stuff E45 cream, smellies, soap, shower gel, more like a mobile branch of Boots with pharmacy. Well nearly done just got to dig out the Monkey Suit for the formal evenings (Don't get me started on that, like a room full of Emperor Penguins). I will post some more observations over the next few days, until then time to do battle with the suitcase again, starting with removing the cat from the dress shirts I just ironed.