The Curse of the Cruise

Those of you who have followed my blog in the past will know that at times I have come home to a small domestic situation such as a kaput fridge, a knackered washing machine a banjaxxed shower and other little items usually as a result of the adventures of my friendly cat/flat sitter "Nunnsy". Since Loulabella passed away this was the first cruise that I could just lock the front door and not have to worry about anything back home. wrong. Arrived home yesterday midday, got my washing done, put in a Tesco online order to be delivered in the morning, made contact with family to let them know "The Eagle has Landed" This morning a lovely long shower without having to do your contortionist act and reversing onto taps, only to hear the sound of water running even after I have turned off the shower, stepped out of the shower only to be confronted with another cold shower coming through the ceiling of the bathroom and quickly forming a lake on the bathroom floor. So I go ice skating across the floor manage to locate and turn off the stop cock, and electrical water heating, lay down a swathe of towels, get a bowl from the kitchen and all before I have had my Cornflakes, now to find a plumber on a Bank Holiday weekend. The Curse of the Cruise Strikes. Part two, I eventually got the leak sorted out, thinking everything was back to normal, wrong, the thermostat on the immersion heater has just been and blown so no hot water, happy days. I must go down to the sea again.

Miserable old Sod

Heading for home now and we have been told to brace ourselves for a rough crossing over the Bay of Biscay, following the coat tails of an Atlantic Storm so it could be strap into a barstool time and ride it out with with alcohol. It has been a strange cruise with many long faces, couples bickering (even more than usual) lots of glum faces a lack of laughter, not I may add from the crew who as usual have been brilliant. There has also been a lack of characters, some who  I thought might be candidates turn out to be a few heartbeats away from being sectioned. To give you an idea of the general mental state, I am sat in Costa writing this and I am surrounded with couples going through their interim onboard accounts with a fine tooth comb and then using the calculator on their mobile to check that it’s right then checking the bank account at home to see if they have got enough to cover it, I don’t think the crew are going to do very well for tips. I feel like getting up and shouting YOUR ARE ON HOLIDAY, FORGET YOU ARE ENGLISH, STOP BEING SO ANNALY RETENTIVE. Perhaps the sea gods will be getting there revenge in the next 24 hours. Sorry to finish on a negative note, let’s hope that this cruise was just a blip and I am being a finickity old bugger. I will add some photos when I am back home and have a decent internet connection. Thanks for reading this rubbish I have been writing, hope you have enjoyed it and I have managed to make you smile, see you on the next one.

The air that I breathe

Usually I am writing about someone’s catastrophe or accident, this time it’s my turn, now before you start thinking he’s been on the bottle again (steady on Bet and Social Secretary) what happened was after some strolling around Lanzarote or more accurately being  blown around, I returned to the ship and after having a skinny latte, I decided to have 20 minutes in my cabin before getting ready for the helter skelter of a rich and varied evening. I woke up 2 hours later with a thumping headache,sinuses working overtime, sore throat and feeling nauseous. There was a smell of fresh paint everywhere in the cabin, which I correctly guessed was the cause of my problems. I did not know that the air con had been turned off to allow painters to paint all around the air con intake, one deck up directly over my cabin. I tried going out for fresh air which helped a bit, I reported the problem and they got the system back on to clear the fumes and file a report incident. I tried to go for a meal but managed to only get a couple of mouthfuls down before it threatened to reverse the journey, so I beat a hasty retreat to the cabin to lay down and be close to the loo, which I did for most of a sleepless night. Today is a sea day as we make our way to our last stop La Coruna in Spain, I have spent most of the day in my cabin catching up on sleep, re-hydrating and trying to get rid of my headache in preparation for a run ashore in a couple of days time. My last point is that if it had been someone with more serious health considerations could the outcome been more serious if it had been, Asthma, Emphysema, COPD or one of many more medical conditions. I feel a letter coming on to the CEO of P&O, and it’s not a script for Murder on the Ventura. I will point out the failings on the H&S front, no risk assessment, although each painter had personal protective equipment and safety breathing masks, they also failed in their duty of care to their passengers, namely moi.

Perv, books and Sailors

Usually a sanctuary to go and sit quietly, read a book, pick up a copy of the ship’s newspaper the Library is a little oasis of calm to go and hideaway for a while. That is the usual rule of thumb, but today unfortunately a chap came in and disturbed the usual air of calm. It all started off quite calmly and built up to the Nudge Nudge sketch from Monty Pythons Flying Circus. It started of by him informing anyone who wanted to listen that the extra soft bathrobes were on special offer in the Atrium for one day only and he could recommend them as they were beautiful and soft next to your skin (first flag) Next topic he brought was did anyone notice the Spanish Navy frigate we passed slowly while docking this morning? He was stood in his cabin window naked as we passed by (2nd flag) the frigate, that came as a shock to him and probably the sailors, at this point the library starts to empty, it’s a pity the dragon lady librarian was not in attendance as I think he would of been leaving in a hurry. He now hypothesized if it had been a lady would the sailors have got powerful binoculars out and perhaps tried to take pictures (now we have a forest of flags) Now he wondered if the Spanish navy had lady sailors, at this point he is articulating to an empty library, with several ladies giving him a few choice words as they left and threatening to report him at reception. Just when I thought it was quiet, it could end up like a game of Cluedo. Just make sure you keep your curtains drawn. 

It’s a dogs life

Gran Canaria the volcanic island with deep valleys and picturesque landscapes is the guide book description of this island and I dare say that if I went on one of the organised tours I would probably agree. My visit to the island took a different route, people must of been intimidated by the dark clouds and the breeze as out came coats, cardigans and pac-a-macs for the short walk into Las Palmas, I availed myself on a bench on the Esplanade adjacent to an elderly gentleman busking with an accordion, in the style of Morecambe and Wise” All the right notes but not necessarily in the right order” this help to guarantee a no go zone as people went to the far side of the pavement, just short of falling into the sea to avoid his gaze and hat to throw some coins in. This gave me a fashion show perspective of fellow passengers going by, with a wide variety of tasks in mind, mostly the ladies wanted to visit the perfumery’s the men just agreed or were looking for a bar. The most noteable items on display were a fine array of surgical supports, NHS and Private, knees and ankles taped up, zimmers, crutches, knee braces, whole leg braces, elasticated stockings, Lycra support cycle shorts, oxygen generators, the list is endless, it looked like the parade of athletes at the Stoke Mandeville games only they are properly in better health and better trained. If anything went wrong with the more complicated bits of paraphernalia it would take an Formula 1 pit crew to get them back in the game. Moving onto a local park I decided to turn my attention to the locals who seem to be obsessed with their dogs, of all shapes and sizes, wearing all sorts of leads, harnesses, muzzles and in one case a bridle, it was that big. Some also had outfits on, name harnesses, a hat, loads of cravats,bandannas, small dogs with coloured punk quiffs, and they sh*t were they liked. They say Brits are obsessed with their dogs, these Canaries leave us standing, and at least on the whole we clean up after our dogs, and one other strange I thing never saw a cat.

Ladies who do

Madeira, what do you do first sample the cake or taste the wine, simple answer try both, typical Brit on holiday it works well if you dunk your cake in the wine. Shuttle buses laid on between the ship and central Funchal which takes about 15minutes and there are loads of buses laid on but it looks like Lower Upshot Bagely WI are doing a re-enactment of the Dunkirk evacuation, the blue rinse brigade are taking no prisoners, they are working in conjunction with the Kamikaze wheelchair Deaths Head Squadron who are mowing down everything in their path be it friend or foe. Seeing the carnage I decide to be part of the rearguard party and go into town with the third wave, around midday when all the obstacles and booby traps have been taken care of. The change that can come over these mild mannered ladies is frightening and some members of the ship’s security staff are still cowering in corners suffering from Post Granny Shock.  Once in town and stroll around you start to wonder was it worth it, there are only so many model donkeys, miniature wine casks and fridge magnets, this is probably a jaundiced Male stand point, as on the return elements of the 1st Airborne Shoppers regiment are load down with bags as are their beasts of burden (husbands). I wonder how many of those purchases will end up in the backs of cupboards on White Elephant Stalls or be re-gifted?

All at Sea at the Sales

Last sea day before we arrive at Madeira, spent an evening at the theatre on board and saw the Comedian Mick Miller, have seen him several times now still a genuinely funny man who knows how to work an audience with quick one liners and just as you have stopped laughing along comes another laugh. I recently saw him on TV in Peter Kay’s Car Share, so still hard working and current, looking forward to his next show on Thursday. I have also been attending lectures in the mornings about the work of the code breakers at Bletchley Park including Alan Turing during World War Two, delivered by a very knowledgeable chap called Michael Kushner who is also a guide at Bletchley. There are so many ways you can fill your day. I have passed on ice sculpting for the nervous, freestyle water skiing and make your own sequined dress for the Captains formal ball, quite a few chaps did sign up for it though and now sequins adorn everything. The sun is out and bodies adorn the deck as far as the eye can see, not as you might imagine a sea of sizzling flesh, dripping sun block, no it’s a sea of ink and not all possessed by youngsters, it might of seemed like a good idea at the time but time and diet has not been in some cases or over indulgence is responsible for an increase in the original canvas area that the artist used as his canvas and of course gravity is also a factor. This is most apparent in a lady who at one time what started out as a charming little robin red breast, now thanks to the vagaries of time and gravity is the proud owner of an Ostrich with a hiatus hernia. Some perfectly charming snakes have become Anacondas disappearing to some very strange places. Another predictable trait of the Brit is the love of a bargain, even if you don’t need it or want it, they have set up tables in the Atrium like the pioneers in the old west circled them against an Indian attack. The tables are loaded with tat all priced at £5~99 or buy 5 and get the 6th free which tells you something about the quality of the goods on sale,but does that stop the sharks circling the tables four deep and fighting one another over ownership of a gaudy pink purse that even Barbie would be ashamed to own, once the sale is made the sales assistant ducks under the table and chucks another half dozen of the “hardly any left madam” on the table for the next victims, scrub that discerning shoppers.

Making Camp

As we exit an uneventful and smooth crossing of the Bay of Biscay (Not a periscope, iceberg or Great White Whale to be seen anywhere Lizzie) the only disconcerting thing to report was Adele playing on constant loop in the background, oh the inhumanity of it. Watching the great British table selection at breakfast is an ancient tradition that is preformed with all the pomp and accuracy as the Birds of Paradise in the rainforests of New Guinea, the only difference is the female has the fine and showy plumage, the Male is the plain and dowdy one, and very often still half asleep. Selection of the feeding site must have factored in, view, the ability to be seen by other females of the species, especially that posh cow from cabin 345, be draught free so as not to ruffle the hair which has been worked on since the 6 am shower, followed by 30 minutes in front of the mirror putting on makeup and various unctions, this is all lost on the un-shaven Male in muscle top, khaki shorts and flip flops who took approximately two minutes to get ready, this included underwear and sock sniffing time to see if they would go another day without turning them inside out, which is only done on rare occasions and the outbreak of Noro Virus (I believe this is how the band Dire Straits came up with their name) Now the nest site has been selected after several false alarms, the Male or beast of burden unloads all the paraphernalia needed for the mornings activities, next comes food selection where the female disappears for 20 minutes with the Male is left behind to protect the site from interlopers. When she eventually returns with 1 slice of toast and green tea it is his turn to get his calorie intake topped up to survive the rigors of the day, this usually entails a full English plus a round of toast and marmalade and a mug of builders tea, for which he is berated until lunch time,  but evolution has helped the Male to develop La La ears for occasions such as this. This performance is again repeated, minus food, but bottled water added around the sunbathing site, the female has to make a small sacrifice at this point by the addition of a floppy hat for Sun protection and sun glasses, spoiling the hair and makeup. This only lasts for five minutes due to the vagaries of the weather and a passing shower, abandon camp site back to the cabin, and if the sun comes back out the process, minus food will be repeated. It has all the makings of a reality TV programme hosted by Claudia Winkleman “The Great British Husband and Wife Day Out” As I finish this piece off sat in Costa Professor Hubert Farnsworth look a like from Futurerama has just walked in, he may be a cartoon character but I think I will ask him for his autograph.

Dancing with Costa

Day one in Costa on deck 5, at times it’s like the London to Brighton vintage car rally with the number of disability scooters passing through, it is like a convoy of armored vehicles on there way to the front, one of them in particular with a basket on the front driven by a flamboyant dressed lady has 6-7 teddy bears strapped to the front, please forgive me but it reminds me of the radiator on the dustcart. We have just had the Captains cocktail party or the parade of the peacocks where the female of the species and a few blokes strut their stuff and try and out display one another by various means, and they also try and trap the Captain in conversation whilst the other half snaps a bespoke picture to show the folks at the office or WI “We know the Captain quite well”poor sod has to do it all again with the 8-30 pm sitting. You can tell all the old hands at the cruise game they are pretty close to the bar area where the waiters replenish the free booze trays and they ambush the waiters when they pass by with a full tray, that way you can stockpile 4-5 free samples courtesy of Mr P&O (As taught to me by my Social Secretary Janet). Now the ballroom dancing has started in the Atrium, the more serious exponents produce little bags that contain their dancing pumps the very reason for taking the cruise, they also have that smug precocious look of child showing off when they do their thing (they have been rehearsing all year at home with the carpet rolled back, for this moment) and others are putting lesson one of the earlier dance class into practice for the first time. Most of the Ladies are in heaven an awful lot of the blokes are wishing they we’re somewhere else. Like me some chaps are to dancing what Boris Johnson is to diplomacy, but make for great viewing, a disaster slowly unraveling and if all goes to plan there will be no lesson 2, result.

Starting out

The starting point for most cruises I do is Southampton, as I get older I have become more and more anti flying. I find airports are set up to be anti-people, the hassle of the check in after negotiating the rat maze that they make you preform in, even though there is hardly any queue in front of you, I think it’s all part of the plan to de-humanize the process, this coupled with the ubiquitous luggage trolley that has a mind of its own, never will I complain about Tesco shopping trolleys again. When you make it to the check in point and start dealing with the human face of the airline company, usually about as friendly as a Rottweiler asking you safety questions she has repeated thousands of times with as much enthusiasm as a nun selling condoms. You finally put your luggage on the scales and look at the display to see if you got it right with the bathroom scales, only to find they are three kilos out and you are left with the option of repacking and putting on extra clothes and looking like the Pillsbury dough boy or pay £36 for the extra weight as if this was not bad enough you have to squeeze your flight bag into the measuring  device to see if you can take it on board. Then you have to run the obstacle course of abandoned luggage trolleys that have been left in relief of completing part one of the labours of Hercules. Task two security screening, getting rid of all liquids over 100 mils, then once through you can go to W H Smith and buy a 1.5 liter bottle of water for the flight! Empty out your pockets, take off shoes, belts, watches, jewelry and any other article likely to set the machine buzzing, but some how you still manage to set it off, stand by to be frisked and prodded then to be declared clear and made to walk through the scanner again, once again setting off the bells and whistles thereby requiring a further second opinion frisk and still finding nothing, only to be told we have been having trouble with that one all day, it’s ultra sensitive. At this point all the other passengers are looking at you like you are a cross between Carlos the Jackal and the Village Idiot. Stage 2 complete, so you start to make camp in duty free and then within seconds of  making camp you get the call to go to your departure gate, which is a half marathon away from your present location, so the migration of the wildebeest begins along moving travelaters that are broken and the gate happen to be in the furthest corner of the airport. (Do gates 1 & 2 exists, has anyone ever used them?) They then check your passport and ticket again sit you back down, then you guessed it call your row number to board the aircraft and invariably yours is the last number called. I won’t even bother to regale you with what happens at your destination airport. As opposed to Southampton, arrive outside the cruise terminal, someone lifts out your overweight case and whisks it away, the next time you see it is outside your cabin door. You have priority boarding and within 15 minutes of arriving you are in your cabin ready to set sail. No contest.

So to England

So with Lisbon astern and slowly disappearing we begin the run for home. Although I have not spotted one itinerant syrup (wig) flapping in the breeze with a mind and parting of its own or recalcitrant dentures trying to make a bid for freedom after a coughing fit or the Holy Grail an abandoned artificial limb, it has been a fun cruise and I have met some interesting people with a similar sense of humour. I must mention especially first time cruisers mum and son Jean and Simon from Poole who I seem to run into for a final Latte in Costa and compare notes on the days experiences and talk about old British black and white films, they have been great company. The many smiling staff who make up the crew both seen and unseen and who help to make your cruise such a great experience, they are always smiling, happy and working, thanks for looking after us. I hope everyone digs deep and are generous to a fault when it comes to showing their thanks with the tips you leave behind, they deserve every penny and then some. So now the mind starts turning to home, what has the cat been up to, are there any of those horrible buff envelopes waiting for you. What has my flat/cat sitter had a run in with this time? Previously it has been a fridge-freezer, a washing machine, hope I am not tempting fate but there is only the cooker and dishwasher to go. My next cruise is not until September 2018 when with my Social Secretary,Janet, I head off to the States and Canada again, unless of course something I can't resist pops up in the meantime. My next big date is a week Friday for a cataract operation, so on that note I hope you have enjoyed my efforts and I will keep my eye out for you. Safe journeys wherever you may travel.

Tripping the light fantastic

Random thoughts as we spend a day at sea before we arrive in glorious Lisbon. Everyone  is a little subdued as this marks the start of the trek home and the sea is getting a little choppier and there are lots of first time cruisers of all ages. Some old hands have been regaling them with horror stories of previous crossings of the infamous Bay of Biscay and how they have crossed it barely surviving the experience. Rule of thumb if the sick bags start appearing in the stair wells, brace yourself. 

 Another Penguin suit night for all who wish to get decked out in all their finery, with the Ladies wearing the family jewels and a chance for the men to display their Scottish ancestry or Mess suits, and who is to deny them, for some people it is one of the main purposes of the cruise. I notice though that the numbers playing the game are steadily falling and the number of smart casuals in the non formal dinning areas increasing. At one time the number of people eating in the Buffett on formal evening was minute and you could pick any seat, now seating is at a premium, the times they are a changing and I must admit it was quite liberating not packing the Tux for this cruise but on a longer cruise I think it would have to come along for a reluctant airing. So as a compromise for tonight's bun fight I have come along to the Beach House which is right at the top of Ventura with great sea views it carries a £7.50 cover charge has waiter service and a pretty varied menu, plus the table is yours for the evening, it's relaxed laid back great staff and a great way to finish off a hard day at sea doing nothing. This will be followed by a late evening skinny latte in Costa for a bout of people watching, the best cabaret on the ship, watching couples in the Atrium putting their dancing class lessons or not into practice. Last night a lady made a stupendous entrance when she missed the last coming down the stairs entering the Atrium. The band stopped playing, the dance floor cleared and several people rushed forward to assist, she was shaken (I was going to slip in here that she won the prize for best Disco  Dancer of the Night) after a rest she was able to carry on with just her pride dented and a little black and blue around the edges. 

Ladies who Shop

While writing some earlier blog material and grabbing a coffee before going ashore I was privy to a conversation they were having planning their day, the Ladies were Glaswegian and from an area that some years ago was referred to as the Gorbals. My wife Barbs used to tell people although the family now are Cornish, her mother was born and drought up in the Gerbils. So eventually I tuned into the accent hen, today was going to be the highlight of the whole journey with a trip to the market. A lady in a wheelchair was going to be parked at a strategic point to act as keeper of the purchases allowing the rest of the crew to carry on shopping unencumbered. The consulted copious lists of what they had to get for Winnie, Marie and another that sounded like Tullah to my untutored ear. They were having as much fun planning this as someone who was going to visit an ancient ruin. But probably more gusto, laughter and glee. I left them laughing and cackling like the witches in Macbeth. It lifted my heart as I set off on my expedition to find some free wifi and a postcard, life in the fast lane.

Captains Revenge

Today we arrived in Northern Tenerife in Santa Cruz, weather can be a bit hit or miss on this side of the island, the coastline here is quite rough and rugged and quite like North Cornwall in places. It was noticeable shortly after we tied up all the mobile phones started giving off various ringtones, vibrations to alert you that you have received a text messages informing the throngs that whatever phone plan in terms of free minutes and free texts you have in the UK they applied here in Tenerife. That was all they was needed and phones became surgically attached to ears and hands, the participants came in all shapes and sizes and of all ages. Can you remember when nobody could get in contact with you for a fortnight and the joy or misery of getting home and catching up on all the news and gossip, seems like a life time ago. Am I being a hypocrite making that last statement as I write and publish this blog? We have had extra time in port today as we have a very short hop to the next island. People have taken advantage and travelled further a field and it's showing we were supposed to sail at 9-30 it's 10pm and we are still alongside and about a 100 passengers light, give an inch. I have also come across this small guy who seems to have a waistcoat for every occasion and intentionally as a result stands out and his hobby in life seems to be complaining, every time I see him he is bending someone's ear, the roughness of the towels, the lack of choice at the buffets, slowness of staff serving, how long it takes to get off the ship, how long it takes to get on the ship. It has been suggested in some quarters that when he was circumcised, the wrong bit got chucked away,I bet he is having a breakdown about the late sailing tonight. Mother Nature has exacted her revenge up to now all our journey has been like a mill pond, when we eventually cleared the harbour it started to cut up rough with bottles falling off tables at 3am and an all cabin announcement at 1am apologising for the loss of electrical power and normal service will be resumed ASAP, just what the nervous traveller needs to hear, Captains revenge is sweet.

The Red Arrows perhaps!

First port day and the age old cruise rituals begin. To compound the usual stampede for the gangway or as I refer to it"Dunkirk Mode" where you can observe first hand the survival of the fittest as much jostling, elbowing and jockeying for position as this is a mixed cruise you can also add in the odd knee capping with a pushchair. 

Luckily wheelchairs conventional and electric plus Zimmer frames have an exit off a lower deck with less incline, this does not stop the popping of the odd wheelie and one or two hitting the quayside at Lewis Hamilton type speed, while the person accompanying is trying manfully to keep up. One or two look in the need of a swift blast of oxygen or you see then furgling  around in bags for a green or blue inhaler. Welcome to Medira. To compound the queues even more that are formed waiting to get off 90 minutes after the gang plank went down, there is an emergency drill for the ships crew, who are fighting an imaginary fire on decks 7,6 & 5 which also corresponds with the decks that people are getting off and now the full emergency signal is going off,brewery, cock and up come to mind, and stoically  the Brits continue to queue. I met a charming Lady who is travelling with her husband she must be in her mid seventies and carries her own oxygen supply pump. One of the things that she had booked was a trip in one of famous toboggans that come careering down the hill side spewing sparks from the runners and the shoes that the guys steering wear, anyone spotting a problem here, she could end up coming down the hill .jet propelled doing a passable Red Arrows impersonation. 

So it begins

If anyone has followed any of my earlier blogs they will know there is a definite lack of affinity between myself and electronic key cards. On my last cruise over 28 days I managed to go through 7 of them.My own key card Albatross has moulted over the summer and grown new plumage and is circling over my cabin. Key cards dictate your life onboard, they define your very existence, without your card no drinks, internet time, you are a non person, you become like the Norwegian Blue in the Monty Python Sketch an ex parrot who has shuffled of its mortal coil, and not able to get back in your bloody cabin. So the ritual begins the trip to reception. "Good morning Sir, how can I help you?" My key card will not work it has become demagnetised. " Have you tried cleaning the strip then retrying it slowly?" Yes and it still did not work which is why I am here. "Has it been in contact with anything magnetic, like your phone or any other electronic device?" No, I always seem to have a problem with swipe cards de sensitising. " well in my experience it is most unusual sir" it is that unusual that it happened to me 7 times in 28 days on my last cruise. "Oh I see Sir, I see from my screen this is your second one in 4 days already" Yes that's what I have already told you, I am surprised your screens are still working with me stood so close to them. " I will go and make you another one, let's hope this one lasts a bit longer" Humpf I doubt it, thank you see you in a day or two. This script and scene will be repeated by Saturday, I will still be playing me, the role of receptionist will be played by another of the ensemble.  Still the Albatross circles. Takes key card in trembling hand inserts into lock, a green light comes on and I am back in my cabin. In the words of Frankenstein "It Lives" but the pessimist in me says for how long. Place your Bets.

Something stirring in the Kitchen

Would you like to cook with Marco Pierre White, have your picture taken with him, buy a copy of his latest book and get it autographed? All for the princely sum of £80, for two hours with the great man, three Masterclass sessions available during the cruise, the book costs extra, limited to 30 places per class. £7, 200 for 6 hours work, book sales not included, that's not a bad gig if you can get it. Just shows the power of the celebrity chef, don't get me wrong it will be a dream come true for some people a chance to meet, interact be taught by someone you admire. Not sure about Marco but if it had been James Martin or Gary Rhodes the first name on the list would of been my wife Barbs. On cruises now they are very often themed to tap into niche markets, there is a Strictly Come Dancing cruise a couple of times a year, hosted by Craig Revell Horwood and several of the dancers from the shows. Also Classic FM at sea cruises for the classical music buff, besides concerts they call into famous locations, such as Chopin 's house in Majorca. Then I started to think about other themed cruises we might like to see, the Pirates at sea cruise where you rape and pillage at every port you go to and have random cabin numbers drawn to walk the plank. A vote for least popular passengers who are then cast adrift in a life boat. Voyages of Discovery, looking for El Dorado, The fountain of eternal youth, Unicorns and the Phoenix and the end of the DFS sale. The Weight Watchers diet cruise involves a ship without an engine and very long oars, subsistence rations and water no shore leave price you pay for your cruise depends on weight loss. Come to think about it that all sounds like too much to do and think about, time to sit back sip a latte and watch the ocean slip by. Cheers.

Nora Batty's Legs

The roar of the greasepaint, the smell of the crowd.

For the first time on several cruises I went to the theatre on my first night on board, the reason for usually giving it a miss, it's been a long day and you are knackered, inevitably it is P&O's own theatre company "The Headliners" who have 5 or 6 stock standard shows that they preform with various degrees of success. This evening though they were the support act to Peter Howarth who has been the lead singer of the sixties/seventies band the Hollies, who I quite happen to like, and he did not let me down.The star of the show was one of the Headliners female dancers left leg. Now don't get me wrong I was not a letcherous old man, but this young lady had obviously sustained an injury while performing, with a strain or a pull of some nature. To get her through performances she wore a flesh coloured leg support stocking that had lost some of it's elasticity, so much so 15 seconds into the dance routine it started to develop wrinkles and bumps of most noticeable proportions, by the end of their opening two numbers it had taken on a life of its own, achieving Nora Batty status, was I the only one to notice? We're people to polite to mention? After the main acts finale, out came the group again to give us a high leg kicking finale, and I was not to be disappointed the itinerant flesh coloured leg support was back on stage  giving it some real welly and creating lumps and bumps the size of varicose veins. The star of the show. 

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P&O are getting crafty in there old age! After seven years of reasonably trouble free first day cruising they have devised a fool proof method of making sure you attend the safety talk and life jacket wearing demonstration. Some of us including Lord Radstock and Lady Hertfordshire have devised methods to avoid this practice. Now all passengers have to present their cruise card and have it scanned to prove attendance, failure means you have to attend a defaulters safety drill and go in the naughty book. The drill was worth attending not only for its importance in its own right but being able to observe so many diverse passengers in a confined space with ages going from 6 months to late nineties and all stops in-between. The first thing you can pick out is the rebellious, for an hour before tannoy is warning you of the drill and not to wear your life jacket until you are shown the correct methodology. So at least 50% of the assembled cast and extras of Titanic the remake turn up with them on and fastenings trailing on the floor. Some people trip on the offending trailing straps, other people tread on them having the effect of car seat belts in a crash, immediate stopping of forward momentum and in some cases immediate garrotting. For those who have cruised or of a nautical bent will know life jackets are fitted with a whistle and a flashing light, within seconds the room resembles an aviary that has been infiltrated by a fox, that combined with various hearing aids whistling away at an even higher pitch, this was accompanied by a flashing light show of white flashing fairy illumination (I have never understood how an aircraft at 10,000 feet is going to spot that) At this point it felt like you were attending a Rod Stewart concert and we were only seconds away from someone leading the massed throngs of the naughty in a rendition of "Sailing". Luckily sanity broke out when the person in charge called for order and the removal of life jackets, it was a good job you could hear him over the mutterings of the disgruntled, as I looked around and eventually located the owner of the voice, who was vertically challenged and looked like a test pilot for airfix. As the rest of the demo passed off fairly peacefully and needing minimal audience participation. On being dismissed one or two were unhappy we had not had the chance to get into lifeboats. So thanks P&O your need for health and safety coupled with compliance has given me an opening to the blog and some thoughts for more things to write about, I am currently investigating spot the person without the tattoo 

Late Additions

Janet my social secretary, kindly sent me through some of her photos of our American/Canadian cruise to share with you.

Quebec

Newport RI

Merchant Navy Monument

Street Art Quebec

Sydney NS

Quebec

Cruise Terminal Sydney

Time Square

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Boaty Mc Boat Face