Cruise Preparation

Its that time of year again as I start to prepare for my next cruise, start the check lists off, I never expected to have to include these items along with the Strepsils, Immodium and Gaviscon, but according to the travel section of the ever reliable and well balanced Daily Mail I have another first priority that I need to pack. Read on dear friends (Not for the faint hearted)

Cruise passengers warned to pack 'good quality condoms' as rates of chlamydia and gonorrhoea soar among pensioners

• Warnings given out in government information fact-sheet
• Numbers continue to increase of people aged 65+ getting STIs
• Cases of chlamydia in the 65+ more than doubled in last four years

By John Hutchinson for MailOnline

Published: 13:49, 17 December 2014 | Updated: 16:17, 17 December 2014

Pensioners are being warned to use protection on board cruise ships if they plan on having flings after a rise in the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) among the elderly.

A new government fact-sheet, titled 'Travel health on board cruise ships' has warned cruise passengers - who are predominantly over the age of 50 - that they should be prepared if they plan to have sex.

The advice reads: 'If there is a chance you might have casual sex, be prepared: take in-date, good quality condoms with you.' 

OAPs are being warned to protect themselves in sexual encounters on board cruise ships

There is also a warning that the consumption of alcohol can lead people to 'lose their inhibitions,' and that taking care of your sexual health should always be priority.

STIs on the rise in the over-65s 

Worrying, sexually transmitted infections are on the rise in the over-65 age group. Here are some facts and figures from the period 2009-2013...

Chlamydia

2009 - 94 (84 men, 10 women)

2013 - 298 (242 men, 53 women)

Gonorrhoea

2009 - 60 (56 men, four women)

2013 - 126 (117 men, nine women)

Herpes

2009 - 158 (109 men, 49 women)

2013 - 265 (163 men, 102 women)

Syphilis

2009 - 33 (32 men, one woman)

2013 - 46 (40 men, six women)

Warts

2009 - 316 (262 men, 54 women)

2013 - 417 (329 men, 88 women)

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Last year, the average UK passenger age of those who go on cruises was 57 and a quarter of passengers are over 60 years old.

Despite many lines seeking to attract a younger clientele and families, the average age has risen from 54.8 to 57 in the last ten years. 

Travellers over the age of 60 also make up more than a quarter of cruise passengers, according to statistics.

Statistics taken from 2009-2013 show an alarming rise in the number of STI diagnoses for men and women aged 65+.

There were 295 confirmed cases of chlamydia in 2013, 242 of these were men with 53 women. 

The stats make worrying reading as in 2009 the number of confirmed cases was 94; 84 being attributed to men and 10 to women.

The amount of people aged 65+ being diagnosed for gonorrhoea has more than doubled for the years 2009-2013.

In 2009, 56 men aged over 65 and 60 women were diagnosed with gonorrhoea. In 2013 those numbers had risen significantly; there were 117 males cases of gonorrhoea and 126 where women were concerned.

There have also been increases in cases of herpes, syphilis and genital warts. 

A study recently published in Student BMJ found more than 80 per cent of people between the ages of 60 and 90 are sexually active, and the number of STIs among this group has doubled in the past 10 years. 

The average age of UK cruise passengers is 57, and sexual protection is on the government's agenda for these types of holiday

'People are making midlife changes and going back into dating and maybe never have used condoms when they started out many years ago,' Eli Coleman, director of the Program in Human Sexuality and the University of Minnesota Medical School, told ABC News.

'They also think of their grandmother's old fashioned condoms and know nothing about the availability of them now or how to use them.'

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I think I will turn down the invite for the Steradent swapping party.

Bye Bye Bergen

Just left our last port of call which was Bergen, Norway's second largest city well laid out easy to get around but after the other sites comes at the bottom of my list of favourites. We now have two sea days before we get back to Southampton and on the upper and back decks the panic tanning had begun, crew working in these areas all have fleece jackets on and look frozen, while all the crinklies who are already the colour of ebony try to add more colour. To break the day up I just attended a lecture about the sin&king of the Bismark (I am glad this was on the return leg) afterwards the lecturer was surrounded by the usual posse of public bar experts putting him right. An aircraft just passed over the ship and they have not sounded the action stations klaxon. The hardy swimmers are in the pool & jacuzzis even though we have a force 6 following wind, as one lady got out I thought that was an interesting tattoo then realised it was varicose veins. It has been an enjoyable cruise, slightly lacking in personalities, or perhaps it is me that is out of step and we still have disembarkation and customs to go yet,there is still time,I live in hope catch you all in January as I sail the broad Atlantic bound for the Caribbean.

Bergen Water Front

Just Sunbathing

 Old & New

A finally, it's a good job I am not into omens, the view from my cabin window.

The Lone Geriranger

Geiranger was our latest piece of eye candy, set in a National Park, valued by the nation for outstanding natural beauty and a United Nations recognised World Site and within seconds you can understand why, to say it is jaw dropping is an understatement. Unfortunately the internet onboard is so slow and expensive it would take too long and cost a fortune to upload the photographs and video I have taken, when I get home and have given my one pair of knickers and the pair of socks a wash I will upload the images for you to enjoy. The waterfalls alone are amazing especially the Seven Sisters that cascade down into the Fjord and immediately opposite is another larger fall that is nicknamed the big brother (far more interesting and intelligent than the TV programme) the sound of water thundering from height is like rolling thunder. Our Captain or as I refer to him as people get all reverential "The Bus Driver" spun the ship through 360 degrees so everyone could get a great view, this was accompanied by classical music being played through the ships PA system which added to the natural splendour. Even the village at the end of the Fjord is built around a cascade that tumbles down the folds it has cut over the centuries. I am sorry that there are not all that many funnies in this small piece but the subject and place demand the upmost respect, which you will be able to judge when the images are uploaded.

Big Brother

Seven Sisters

 Shows the size of the Fjord as a local ferry passes our ship.

A small Pianist

Dotted around the ship are several baby grand pianos at watering holes and the main atrium which at various times of day have their ivories tinkled by a 5ft 7in pianist straight out of a Grecian 2000 advertisement of European extraction. As he goes from venue to venue during the day and evenings he has a faithful set of groupies from the blue rinse brigade who follow and in some cases stalk him around his venues with steam coming from the zimmers and walking sticks, and woe betide you if you get in their way and spoil their view of the performance. During his more complicated pieces usually his variations on melodies from the shows as the performance reaches a faster tempo he subscribes to the Eric Morecombe school of playing "All the right notes but not necessarily in the right order" but should you let accuracy get in the way of a good performance especially if you receive a sitting ovation with much rattling of jewellery. Then the fight is on to send him a drink, usually a brandy and the ultimate prize for the maestro to acknowledge you and the ultimate orgasm to join you at your table and talk to you and your daughter who chaperones the event whilst suppressing her own wishes and protecting the family fortune otherwise known as her inheritance. I have just passed the maestro (off duty) escorting a lady who is a dead ringer for Dame Edna Everage but Dame Edna is a better mover and has better legs for a stroll around the deck between tinkerings pass me a brandy, they are arm in arm not for romantic purposes but to support her and keep her upright. The guy is a bit of a chancer but at least he has a constant stream of free brandy, dinner companions and he is doing his bit for Help the Aged. The Ladies have an interesting time with some great stories of their conquest when they get back to Clevedon and the Luncheon Club & Streadent Swopping parties..

Up the Pole

Today we are making our way to the Lofotten Islands which lay inside the Arctic Circle this gave me the idea of mounting an expedition to rival that of Robert Falcon Scott's heroic but flawed effort to reach the North Pole. The "Oceana" polar plod would triumph because one of Scott's flaws was to use ponies instead of Huskies like the successful Amundsen expedition, whilst watching people struggle around the ship last nigh during turbulent seas,I was struck how little difficulty motorised and push wheelchairs had, throw in the odd Zimmerman frame and I believe we have transport sorted. It would be necessary to locate some specialist tyre changers and puncture repair people who could double up as "Mushers" to keep individual drivers focused on the target. I believe we could secure enough supplies from the daily vast left overs from the Continental Buffett, need to work out the calorific value of Croissants. Specialist cold weather clothing could be obtained from the onboard P&O boutique which is carrying its latest Caribbean collection, which have a tog value of 14, the beach towels supplied could be crafted into snow shoes by the onboard craft classes, the material that the towels are made from is one of the hardest materials known and would be absolutely non slip. The library has a fine copy of the News of the World Atlas 1982 edition so that's navigation taken care of. There is a magician on board doing cabaret, I have not yet seen his show but if he is any good he must have some doves tucked away that we could use for communication or emergency food. I think I will make Andersons bar the expedition HQ where I can base myself as the intrepid explorers set off with the pre paid mobile with 50p credit left on it, it is better class than the Lords Tavern and they do serve draft Stella. I hope that this endeavour will succeed but prepare myself for a negative outcome and prepare to become a UKIP candidate at the next election. Nurse I'll have my medication now.

Alesund and the bed moved

Things that go bump in the night, well the overnight passage to our next port of call, Alesund, was anything but smooth sailing, the Captain with typical understatement said it might get a bit choppy over night, he was not joking, it was like the haunted house at the funfair. Not many people got a good nights sleep, heard one lady say she got thrown out of bed, couple of people had falls and ended up in sick bay. The bleary faces at breakfast bore testament to the overnight activity. The front that caused the weather has followed us and it is persistently coming down, I ventured along the jetty and into town and was wet through inside of 5 minute, where upon it started to get worse and the wind got up (weather type wind not personal) turning it to a veritable monsoon and bloody cold with it. I decided to do what any sensible person would do and forgo the mock gothic, neo classical and art nouveau architecture and make a tactical withdrawal back to the ship for a warm shower a change of clothes and a warm latte.

Fun in Phlegm

Well here we are in Flam or as one lady insisted on calling it Phlegm. The approach up the Fjord is spectacular it makes Cheddar Gorge look like a Lego kit, the tops of the Mountains/Hills have been bathed in low cloud all day and it reminds me of the scene in the excellent film "The Thirteenth Warrior" starring Antonio Banderas were they are defending a Viking Village and they see the Fire Worm come down the mountain for the first time, very atmospheric, see the movie a good watch. Flam itself is OCD heaven, a place for everything and everything in its place, not a bit of litter to be seen, even under the trees not a leaf on the ground, everything arranged parade ground perfect. No peeling paint, builders skips, scaffolding, immaculate flower beds. They even have there own Forrest Gump riding around on a little red lawn mower cutting the grass perfectly leaving Wembley type stripes behind. The railway station is just like Trumpton, not sure if the driver sings the song as he poodles along. Please don't get me wrong none of my comments are meant as criticisms it's all a pleasant surprise almost like being in a time warp of Britain in the 50's people here have civic pride, everywhere I have seen so far would win Best Kept Village and Britain in Bloom awards, the backdrops lend themselves to it as the sunlight falls across the slopes and lights up one of the many waterfalls that cascade down the mountainsides. The most important resource of all are the people who are charming, friendly, polite and welcoming and go out of their way to help. The sail away in the late afternoon sunlight down the 13 mile fjord is amazing with farms and houses perched precariously on the steep wooded hillsides, fishing villages with there houses painted all the colours of the rainbow if this is the first day I can't wait to see the rest of this country.

Flam Station & Village

 Approaching Flam

First Musings or Brits afloat

So it begins as we journey ever Northward towards the top of Norway with its name that are virtually unpronounceable and steeped in ancient myths and legends, the  bridge announcement breaks my train of thought by announcing our position in longitude and latitude with the little nugget thrown in that our nearest point of land is ....Great Yarmouth pop the bubble why don't you. As I look around my fellow travellers who extoll that one of the reasons for cruising is to get away from it all, then they proceed to queue at reception or the library to get a copy of the onboard newspaper which is printed every morning with UK, World news, sports results and most importantly the weather. This is all backed up with three news channels on cabin TV's also showing three premiere league matches, nothing like getting away from it! I have met my fellow diners I am on a table of six, the make up is four ladies and two blokes, I am the youngest, one lady has that low lad Scottish lilt of Miss Jean Brodie, the guy has seen it,done it got the T shirt, two professional Northeners and Gaynor who would not say boo to a. Goose. Fun times ahead, I think this could be work In progress but I enjoy a challenge, and that is not allowing for their opinion of me!!  I think I need to prick someone's balloon of pomposity, get someone out of their shell, merry if not pissed, the others I need to think about, suggestions dear reader?

 Early Morning

 North Sea Sunset

Off we go again or the Vikings are coming.

Hang on to your Trolls, Smurfs and other Scandinavian paraphernalia as I head out for another adventure to the land of the midnight sun, Norway and the Artic Circle. I opted to go in August as it tends to have very little Snow fall and ice, as my sister will confirm us Charlwood's don't do cold and we are stiff in the ass not very flexible and have a problem controlling our feet and balance in summer, we can fall over a matchstick at the drop of a hat. So the chances of not breaking multiple limbs in the depths of winter, is virtually zero. My sister went as far as enrolling in Pilates classes to help with balance, poise and core strength, then proceeded to have a tumble and broke/disclocated various limbs. I suggested that she asked for a refund and invest in bubble wrap.

Once again I am sailing on the wonderful Oriana and I hope to bring you the highlights and lowlights of my trip, and introduce you to my fellow passengers and all their foibles, mine also, as we wend our way up and down the fjord's of Norway making our way ever Northward. I am not sure of my history and if I am wrong I appologies but I am reminded of my Mum's favourite joke, when asked by the village chieftan why the guards did not raise the alarm when the Vikings came over the hill and approached the village they replied "When we saw then and their horns we didn't know wether to kill em or milk them". 

We come from simple country stock and were easily amused.

I can assure you it will go downhill from here.

Test Blog

Testing email posting update on "Travels with Charlwood"

Some odd photos from the Cruise

 St John's, Antigua just after rain storm

 Same street 20 minutes later

Oriana in Dominica

Guardians of the Chaplin Cinema on board Oriana

Made it to Horta at Last

On previous trips to the Caribbean, Horta has always been on the itenerrary but because it is by tender the weather has always been to rough to launch and go across, this time the weather was perfect to go ashore. Unfortunately the Charlwood nether regions were in a state of turbulence at about Beaufort Scale 10 which percluded me from doing the transfer, so I still have not managed to visit Horta, one day.

Homeward Bound

Now the end is near(make a good opening for a song that) time to reflect on the trip and the people I have met along the way and some of the events. On a personal note there were three or four days that I was scared to cough or sneeze because the outcome could of been catastrophic, I could well of had the best suntanned legs on board, something didn't agree with me, it all settled down, thank god for Imodium. One person sadly passed away during the cruise, I understand that there is a special storeage facility on board and special procedures that are gone through to return the person to the UK, I have not been able to face frozen peas since I was given this information. P&O continue to practice piracy on the high seas with their pricing regime for internet usage, £64 for 240 minutes, with lesser times proportionately dearer still, crew members who are also charged extortionate prices wait to hit port and find free wifi access so they can contact home during their nine month contracts. I have been fortunate to meet many nice people during the cruise, also a few who are full of their own self importance and are quick to "address you like a public meeting" to them in the wise words of Mrs Agnes Brown " That's Nice"
I know it's time to come home and face the cat as I found myself making out a shopping list for Tesco's, how sad is that? At this point in every cruise I find myself thinking how brilliant the staff on board are, they work remarkably hard and are always cheerful and smiling for a pittance of a wage, and have to endure some obnoxious behaviour from passengers at times, they seem to be powered by Duracell batteries, thanks guys for making it a trip to remember, yet again.

Nature Watch

As the temperature begins to drop by about two degrees a day the fight is on for space on deck to squeeze the last bit of tanning potential out of the sun. If you are up early enough a get a seat just outside the Conservatory eatery and arm yourself with a cup of coffee and a croissant at a table tucked away in the corner of the Lido deck over looking the grandly named "Crystal Pool" (Techie note, good Chlorine Levels, poor pH 7.9 not sure of TDS but pretty sure incontinence is the issue) you can assume the role of David Attenborough observing a watering hole in the Kruger National Park. The elders of the pack approach the area with the confidence of many seasons behind them, moving a little slower now but looking for all the signs, estimating the course and track of the sun, licking the finger and testing for wind, weather wise not personal, estimating the premier spot with optimum opportunity and starting the complicated business of nest building for them self and their mate. This is shortly followed by the dance of the beach towel as it is spread and denotes their territory which prevents others encroaching, this is followed by moving other items into the area preventing other nest builders from getting too close, but at the same time as moving items of furniture about, such as small tables to place all the paraphernalia needed for this 10 hour ritual. If at any time others try to invade the site, it can lead to major displays of anger and subtle retaliation. It should be noted that the urinating on items to denote the nest site area is no longer practised intentionally but I am not sure about in the watering hole, see my Techie Note, I thinks tis is more to do with Arthritis, Hip Replacements and steep pool ladders and being able to get out in time. Once established the site is never left unattended for fear of a Cuckoo entering the nest, items are placed to discourage interlopers, such as books, hats, IPads, sun creams and other various unctions, this is most noticeable at feeding times, when partners take it in turns to eat, or alternatively the female of the species circles the Buffett with an expert eye, and armed with several napkins gathers rolls, cold meats & fruit to take back to the communal nest. So it carries on throughout the day until the last ray of sunlight leaves the sky and silence returns to the watering hole, only for it all to be repeated tomorrow.

Does Lightning strike twice in the same place?

In my previous blog I regaled you with story of the Loo Water flooding of my dining companion's cabin in the early hours of the morning. Does Lightning Strike in the same place twice? Is there such a thing as a Jonah? Do Bears shit in the wood? Well that Finger of Fate had not stopped flying yet, it came back to the same cabin in the early hours of the morning two days to do a lap of honour and deposit the contents of the said loo system into his bathroom and part of his bedroom floor again. It was almost a complete repeat performance again, but detected a bit earlier this time, so the area of damp or as he called it " The tide did not rise as far this time " (Typical English understatement & reserve). Taking it all in his stride after the clean up operation again, he wrote a stiff letter, to the House Services Manager suggesting that this should not be happening, once is an accident, twice is downright careless and he might want to consider some form of compensation for inconvenience and lack of sleep. A very calm and measured response, compared to most of us. If Barbs had been on board and it had happened to her (She took these things very personally) she would be several hundred pounds better off, had a discount or free future cruise, and been displaying a new set off earrings made of someone's testicles before the cock crowed the dawn. (fact).

Things that go bump in the night again

On every trip there always seems one person that everything seems to happen to, every piece of bad luck that is possible seems to be attracted to this person, like iron filings to a magnet. It is not a pleasant position to be in as I well  know to my own cost after an ill fated journey to Arnhem in Holland, but that's another story for another time.
You may recall one of my dinning partners had an issue with an ear infection and blood on his pillow, we'll the flying fickle finger of fate has singled him out again to be the recipient of her cruel humour. Whilst in the land of nod he was convinced he could hear the sound of the sea breaking against the rocks, banging against rocks, so real was his dream that he woke up with a start he decided to get up. The minute he put his feet over the side of his bed he was aware of a wet sensation and water or something ankle deep and lights suddenly coming on and people in his room, being without his hearing aid he was just a bit disorientated to say the least,not sure if was a dream or real, had we struck a rock and sinking, Costa Concordia style? It certainly was real, he was ushered back on to his bed well several maintenance crew members dashed to his bathroom to turn the water off. During the early hours of the morning the toilet system in four cabins had backed up and started to flow profusely into the bathroom and out into the bedroom to a depth of three inches, remember this is not clean water direct from the mains. He sat like a Sheikh in the middle of his bed as everything swung into action, the first thing after the excess water was got rid of, was the old carpet was ripped up a space heater run for ten minutes, hoovered through a new carpet laid down, everything cleaned and tidied, the two odd items of clothes that had been caught in the deluge taken away and put into the ships laundry, they apologised for any inconvenience, turned off the lights and wished him goodnight. Surreal or what?

Doctor, Doctor.

Today we arrived in Grenada, which means only one more port of call (Barbados) then we start the journey back across the Atlantic via Horta in the Azores. In two previous attempts I have not made it into Horta because it is a tender transfer and the weather has been too rough to launch the tender boats, third time lucky!
Our Indian brethren are a little bit down today after losing the world 20/20 final to Sri Lanka, one diner suggested that our waiter cheer up, it's only a cricket match it's not life and death, the waiter came back with a classic " No it's more important than that" silence was the reply. Yesterday in Dominica being Sunday all the shops were shut, so the only option was to adjourn to a bar and sample the local beer at $2 a bottle, after 6 I decided it was quite nice and had some great conversations with two ladies from Abergavenny also two gentlemen from Rochdale and a guy from Dominica who's laugh was so thick and deep, if treacle had a noise that would be it, all in all a great way to spend a Sunday lunchtime. The Welsh ladies offered their opinions on various acts that have been performing on board, the latest comedian was "Rubbish" we have heard better at the Working Men's Club, the male singer was very good, looking forward to seeing him again, mind you not as good as Tom Jones, see. A tough audience indeed. Apparently the sick bay have been relatively busy from trips and falls as a result of the rough Atlantic passage, one of my dinning companions tripped and cut her leg on the side of the bed on the first evening, it was serious enough to warrant 12 stitches on the lower leg and a course of anti-biotics and having it checked every two days, the lady who is in a wheelchair cannot speak highly enough of the treatment she has received. The running total for her treatment so far is £800 and rising, just shows the importance of travel insurance. Another gentleman at our table who wears hearing aids woke up one morning to find his pillow covered in blood, his hearing aid had caused an infection in his ear which had burst causing the blood, after treatment at the medical centre they stopped the bleeding, but he has been unable to wear his hearing oaid, and he may have to go to the local hospital in Barbados and have the offending blood vessel cauterised. We have been taking the Mickey with fake sign language and offering to buy a hearing trumpet ashore, which he joins in with. Our table is now known as "Emergency Ward 10" and after dessert we now have Doctors Rounds instead of coffee.

The British are Coming

The dinning table is starting to relax a bit and there is more laughter, it has not jelled like previous cruises yet. One incident has really broken the ice more than any other, someone said they had seen a sign up for a meeting on board for "The Friends of Dorothy" which is code for a meeting of Gay people. After some discussion one of the Welsh Ladies pronounced she had nothing against Gay people as long as they didn't ram it down your throat, we'll guess who just erupted into an uncontrollable mess with tears running down the face others were laughing out loud and the Lady suddenly realised what she had said in all innocence and went into convulsions in the chair next to me the whole dinning room was staring at us some with humour and a few with snooty looks. Still it worked in breaking the ice, I don't think there will be any changing of addresses but at least meal times are more fun due to one slip of the tongue(forgive the pun).
Arrived in Antigua this morning (Friday) weather really nice about 30c we are having a longer port stay than usual not leaving until 10pm, stepped foot ashore got half way up the Main Street and the heavens opened with torrential rain, I had to find the nearest shelter which just happened to be a bar that was showing India v South Africa in the World 20/20 cricket semi final, the crew of Oriana are mostly Indian and were in the bar supporting their team with much gusto and loads of banter with the locals where cricket is a religion great fun and great to see people who make our cruise so much fun having a great time themselves. Rain has stopped time for some serious people watching, no pith helmet yet, but have seen a captains hat with so much gold braid on it that it might of been designed by Boy George, an oversize (three times over) Australian flat sided bush hat, a Tam o Shanter with ginger hair sticking out from the sides Jimmy and a dozen or so Rasta Hats complete with Dreds, the British are in Port.

Ebony and Ivory

Now the weather is changing for better, the fight for sun worshipping spots has begun along with the vast range of fashion statements that accompany that hobby. By contrast now the sun is high in the sky there is also a scrabble for comfortable areas of shade, you must decide if you are "Ebony or Ivory". At the blunt of the ship (technical nautical term) there is a series of ascending decks that the sun loungers are arranged on if you go to the top deck and look down towards the pool, it's like staring at a surreal tin of sardines. As the heat rises several ladies rise together to go and rehydrate, for modesty they put on diafonous robes made of chiffon and as the wind catches them it looks like an early morning mist off the Yorkshire Moors. At breakfast in the Conservatory this morning over my croissant I was taken with the range of gentleman's shorts were on display from so short and tight you would have to sing soprano, Lycra's that would not be out of place on the Tour de France, M&S finest tailored shorts and last but not least those as worn by Lofty on It ain't half hot Mum, almost as big as the person wearing them, big enough to have a folding bicycle in the pocket and bell tent in the other pocket and they are fitted out with guttering in case of rain. They should be listed as National Monuments. In many cases these sartorial statements of elegance are enhanced by devastating foot apparel, knee length black socks with trainers, argyle socks with open toe sandals and my own personal favourites so far, white tennis socks with a pair of zip up Chelsea boots. We are still two days from Antigua I am hoping that when we hit land that I might spot a Pith Helmet.

Azores behind

We have left the Azores and are off again it is still pretty rough and 4 days until Antigua it's like watching the "Ministry of Silly Walks" & beginners Rumba lessons rolled into one, my self included. The funniest crowd participation game is to be in a lift and when it gets to your floor the door opens the ship lurches and everyone goes out at a 100 miles an hour like extras in the parachute drop over Arnhem in a Bridge too Far, woe betide anyone waiting to get on the lift they are mowed down in the rush, you learn very quickly when waiting for a lift stand off to one side.

Just off to the talk by ex copper Bob Ferris he is quite humorous very 80s and reinforces all your ideas of police from that time, slightly more law abiding than the people they were catching but only just, has some very funny stories many at his own expense.

Not a lot of characters on this cruise a bit like gods waiting room some people are a bit bland the most adventurous decision they will make is to pick meat or fish from the menu. Must have struck really lucky on my previous cruises, and been spoilt for choice & characters. Just spotted an old boy wearing a Popeye the Sailor type cap or it could be a very large Jewish skull cap, excuse me I am off to investigate. Will report back later.

Things that go bump in the night

Well here we are in the sunny Azores, Punta del Garda to be precise, the Captain made a midnight dash to get into port before a particularly nasty weather front came in a prevented us from docking at our original time of 7am as yet no signs of this evil threat. Personally I think it was "boys and their toys syndrome" just an excuse to see what she could do flat out and beat the school record. Fast asleep in your cabin off in the land of fantasy and suddenly the Bing Bong of a ship wide announcement at 3-15am goes to every cabin and public area on ship this  goes out to raise you from your sleep. "alpha bravo deck D cabin 123 (made up) all report" now for those more observant among you might remember we have had a fairly rough crossing up to now, this is just what the more nervous traveller needs to hear at that time of the morning. Any bets how many got back to sleep and if they did dreamt about the Costa Concordia and the Titanic having a head on collision. Nobody is saying what happened but based on previous cruises it was a call for the "Crash Team" and a difribrillator for a cardiac incident, I am quite surprised it did not lead to multiple cardiac events. I was disappointed that no one was wearing their life jacket for breakfast. Now for a trip a shore and a beer at a well appointed bar and some people watching. I shall report back later.

So it starts

This has been a strange trip so far, because of roadworks in and around the Southampton area causing major traffic delays there was not the usual queuing to register, go through security and get on board ship. Although it was appreciated I was robbed of the opportunity of studying my fellow passengers under pressure, those that have low tolerance thresholds, in short the characters that populate my blogs, it just means more cups of latte in "Costa" and observe the rich tapestry life that passes by the heart of the ship. This time I have dinner companions, they have put a table of single travellers together, from conversations so far I am the youngest,a callow youth of 63 summers!!
We have, three charming sisters from Penarth in Wales, a spiritely 84 year old from Manchester, a guy from Shropshire, a lady from Basingstoke and a gentleman called Barry, I secretly wished he was connected with the Welsh ladies as he could of become Garry from Barry.
It is a cruise where average age is mid 70s at a guess and it is noticeable how many blokes have got Jeremy Clarkson itis, inappropriate wearing of jeans with saggy bums and silly tops, perhaps they are determined to grow old disgracefully, if that is the reason and not a fashion statement I am all for it.
I was lucky enough to have a cabin upgrade bestowed on me I went from D deck up to A deck, as an ex work colleague observed next stop the crows nest!! The upgrade does come at a price apparently I am on iceberg watch every other night 11pm -1-00am.
As always the staff are unbelievably happy, I think they must put something in the food, and as the cruise proceeds hopefully some of that attitude will rub off on some of the passengers. It might be in short supply over the next couple of days as the weather forecast for mid Atlantic does not look good with a lot of low depressions forecast and high swells given as the sea state. I will strap myself into a bar stool to ride out the storms and I should have some fodder for the blog as a result. Just as I finish this blog the rain has started lashing down and you can't see 20 yards and the foghorn has just started to cut in, time to head for the bar, happy days.